14 hospitalised due to change in weather

Ba Đình, Hanoi – At least 14 people have been hospitalised following a mild change in weather in the Vietnamese capital of Hanoi.

As December rolls to a close like a derailed freight train, Hanoi’s weather has taken a turn for the agitated. Over the course of the past week, Hanoi’s weather has lashed out violently at the city’s inhabitants, leaving 14 people hospitalised and many more confused as to what the fuck they should wear.

Eyewitnesses on the ground have since given statements to the police, describing graphic scenes of cold humidity, rapidly followed by a perspiration-inducing heat, akin to the one day of British summer.

While experts remain vigilant in tracking the weather’s actions, doctors at Đừng Chết private clinic in Ba Đình district have issued a public health warning, as they expect the number of bedbound weather victims to rise.

“We know that many people are getting sick around this time of year, but really it’s nothing to worry about, it’s just the changing weather,” the statement issued through national media read, “So please don’t come to us claiming to have influenza, chest infections or even tuberculosis – we’re medical professionals and we assure you, it’s just that the weather has changed.”

Tây Hồ resident and self-appointed food critic, Jared Cohen, was recently involved in a traffic altercation with a bus and has since had two toes amputated at Đừng Chết private clinic.

“I was really worried at first, because I thought I’d been hit by a bus, but fortunately, it was just a slight change in weather – perfectly normal for this time of year,” said Cohen, speaking with The Durian reporters as he hobbled from his hospital bed to the toilet.

At press time, staff at Đừng Chết were taking special measures to ensure that the inevitable influx of weather-stricken patients could be suitably climate controlled.

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