The Durian - Hanoi's Smelliest News: January 2019

Digital nomad actually just twat with a laptop

Tây Hồ, Hanoi – Usually found nursing a cà phê sữa đá in front of a crusty Dell, 29-year-old
Carl Watkins never misses an opportunity to describe his digital nomad lifestyle to anyone in
earshot.

“I disconnected from the grid two years ago. I was just so fed up of the 9-to-5 grind, you know?”
Kyle explained sagely.

After working for two months at a call centre in Hartlepool, Carl called it quits and packed a
rucksack with some shorts and his computer. Booking a one-way ticket to Bangkok, the intrepid
young man found his way to Hanoi, Vietnam, lured by the promise of cheaper rent.

That was two years ago, and, clearly, Carl is living the dream.

“I don’t actually have a job. But I have this laptop, and I use it. So, I think that makes me a digital
nomad.” Carl said, hitting a series of random keys while staring intently at the device.

Carl is the latest in a wave of young go-getters with no marketable experience giving it all up to
find their fortunes overseas. Hyped on caffeine but bereft of ideas, the digital generation squint
at their screens in cafés and bars across Southeast Asia.

Through a series of Instagram posts, Carl has charted his exciting journey. His most popular
post – an image of a laptop in front of a beach captioned ‘My office for the day’ – was liked
nearly two thousand times. On further inspection it appears the laptop was not switched on.

Carl admits that he visited the beach as part of a free trip offered by his hostel and was only
there for 20 minutes.

While Carl slaves away at a blank Word document, his girlfriend Moonwind is busy at home
making jewelry from paper clips and twine.

“I feel so free without a stable income or any future career prospects. I’m not tied down by those
concerns, so I can really follow my dream anywhere!” Moonwind explains.

“I pity those people who are stuck in a regular job. They don’t know what they’re missing.” The
young woman says as she scavenges for the scraps she needs to survive in a nearby bin.

“It can be hard at times, but luckily my parents send me some money every month.” Carl says,
opening a second blank Word document and refreshing his Facebook page.

Eventually, Carl is joined at the café by another digital nomad. On opening his own laptop, the
pair sit in silence, contemplating the future of work in the 21 st Century.

If you’re a digital nomad and have been affected by The Durian’s in-depth reportage on the
matter, please scream loud enough to be heard from the depths of your own arse.

The Durian is a satirical news outlet, all of our stories are completely fictional, designed only to amuse and entertain. Any resemblance to people living or dead is purely coincidental and in no way intended to hurt your feelings. Sorry for pointing out the obvious, but there’s an abundance of humourless morons out there.

Unmarried 28-year-old woman sent to glue factory

Cầu Giấy, Hanoi – Family sources have today confirmed that local bachelorette, Tran Trang Chi, will
be sent to the glue factory later this month, following 28 years of failing to find a husband.

The decision was made for Chi by her parents, who insist their unconditional love for their daughter
leaves having her connective tissue boiled down to make glue as the only option.

“While obviously, this was never going to be an easy decision to make,” said father, Tran Thanh, “It
was one that we felt was right for Chi – what use is there in this world for an unmarried 28-year-old
woman anyway?”

“Personally, I feel she’s spent too much time, not to mention money, on her education. What did
anyone ever learn at university that their husband couldn’t have told them?” he added.

Having attained a Bachelor of Languages from the prestigious Hanoi-based RMIT University and an
MA in Linguistics from Cornell University in New York, Chi has enjoyed a vibrant career working with the Institute of Applied Pedagogy, where she is researching educational approaches to students with special education needs.

“It’s really a big blow for the family,” continued Chi’s father, “We expected so much from her and
she just has so little to show for it and time is running out, as she gets older, we just can’t see her
being capable of giving much more to society. She’ll be able to offer much more as glue for a
mechanic than she ever could by helping autistic children integrate into society.”

“The sell-by-date on her as wife-material has long since passed,” echoed Chi’s mother, Nguyen Bich
Ngoc, “She’s already 28 and, as much as it kills me to ship her off to the glue factory like some
broken down pack-mule, we’d be deeply suspicious of any man desperate enough to marry her
now.”

Speaking with The Durian while her parents organised a gathering of the extended family to
celebrate or commiserate, Chi stated, “This is such fucking bullshit.”

“Just because I want to do more with my life than boil chicken, wash clothes and fire tiny humans
out of myself – which, hey, if you’re happy with that, good for you, but I’m not – I still don’t think
that means I need to be euthanised.”

Having lived independently for the last half decade, Chi disclosed plans to move to Ho Chi Minh City before her scheduled trip to the glue factory.

Fighting back tears, her parents were preparing to transfer their affections to Chi’s siblings, stating
that, although it was a difficult time for the family, there was still some hope for Chi’s younger
brother, Tran Trong Minh, who, at 21, already has a promising career in League of Legends and a
girlfriend in Australia that the family will meet “soon, I promise.”

Vietnamese Football Fan addicted to driving around in circles

Hoàn Kiếm, Hanoi – A Hanoi man has spoken out about his own personal hell in an effort to warn others of the dangers of addiction.

However, it’s not booze or drugs this man is hooked on, but driving round and round in circles waving a Vietnamese flag and beeping his horn.

“It all started back in January during the AFC U23 Championships,” Nguyen Di Bao, 23, told The Durian, while he absent-mindedly circled Hoàn Kiếm Lake on his red Honda Wave.

“We beat Qatar in the semi-finals and I was overcome with joy, so like everyone else, I just started driving round and round. It’s the purest expression of joy I can imagine” he explained.

Unlike most of the revellers enjoying the historic moment, Di Bao didn’t stop driving until the day of the final, a full four days later.

“I just couldn’t seem to stop, the thrill of driving in circles while making as much noise as I possibly could was just too much of a rush, a break from the norm. It was all I could do to tear myself off my bike to watch the final, which was physically tough too as I had blisters the size of lychees covering my ass.”

Though Vietnam lost the final to Uzbekistan in agonising fashion, Di Bao and thousands of others took to the streets to celebrate, but yet again, he took things overboard and with a dedication to driving in circles not even seen in one-toothed NASCAR drivers, circled the city for a week.

“I relieved myself in empty bottles of petrol after filling my bike up, ate only what I could consume with one hand and took naps while on long straights like Phạm Văn Đồng and Yên Phụ. I think I only caused two or three fatal accidents while unconscious, which is a win in my book” he noted.

Since slipping into this perilous literal loop of addiction, his girlfriend had left him after Di Bao revealed he was no longer able to orgasm unless being choked by a red headband.

With no significant international football tournaments for a few months, Di Bao thought he would be able to kick what had become a destructive habit, but instead he found himself seeking out reasons to hit the street for a fix.

“If an 11-year-old Vietnamese kid came third in a chess tournament in Belarus, I would celebrate. If I stumbled upon an Instagram post espousing how beautiful a koi pond in Đắk Lắk was, I would celebrate. It got to the point where I was out every night for hours,” Di Bao said.

This routine carried on until August and the Asian Games, where Vietnam made it to the semi-finals.

“Things really got out of hand during the Asian Games. I was snorting 100% pure ground coffee beans constantly so I could keep going for the entire tournament. I thought I would get some respite when we were knocked out, but those beautiful bastards kept on winning!”

There would be no let up for Di Bao though, as Vietnam won the AFF Cup in December. Worse still, they lifted the trophy in Hanoi.

“I went berserk. I figured out which bus had the players on it, and just kept circling it as it made its way into downtown. It was quite dangerous and the bus nearly crushed me several times, but I would have died happy knowing Coach Park would be the one to scrape my entrails off the side of the road.”

There is some hope for Di Bao, as in the last few days he finally stopped celebrating the AFF Cup win and took the time to defecate in an actual toilet and borrow some money from his family to begin paying off the astronomical petrol bills he has racked up.

“I’m going to get back on my feet literally and figuratively. I can’t quit cold turkey though, so I’ve decided to taper off with a few laps of Hồ Ba Mẫu every night while blowing a whistle quietly,” he told The Durian, with something approaching hope in his eyes.

However, with Vietnam in the midst of the Asian Cup tournament, Di Bao will need all his strength to resist a habit that has almost ruined him.

While he’s withstood the urge to give in to his cravings so far, largely thanks to locking himself inside Circle K bathrooms and huffing glue, Di Bao trembled with fear when The Durian informed him the national team take on Yemen tonight.

“There’s ANOTHER game tonight? Fuck me! The gorgeous gits will probably win this one too! I’ll have to get the petrol tank on my bike enlarged.”

Countless Hanoians to perish as first British-Chinese takeaway set to open this week

Hoàn Kiếm, Hanoi – Experts are predicting that the streets of Vietnam’s capital will run red with blood as thousands of expats clamber over the corpses of the fallen to get a taste of Great Wall Hanoi Takeaway, the first foray into British-Chinese food for the city of 9 million.

Confirming that an untold number lives will be lost in the scramble to scoff down as many sweet and sour pork balls as humanly possible, experts state that the bloodshed set to follow such ravenous enthusiasm for chicken chow mein will overshadow anything thus far witnessed by the nation.

“Based on the models that we’ve run, it is clear to us that the situation is far grimmer than we could’ve imagined,” explained Dr. Campbell of the Institute for Hunger Cravings.

“We grossly underestimated the powerful, all-consuming lust that many Britons are filled with at the mere mention of what they consider to be ‘Chinese’ food.

“The chances of survival during this soft opening period are that of a blind toddler facing up against Floyd Mayweather,” he continued, “All of our research indicates that expats and locals alike are set to lose their minds in a sauce-slathered frenzy of British-Chinese takeaway and will stop at nothing short of murderous violence in order to consume it.”

Speaking exclusively with The Durian from an undisclosed location, owner of Great Wall Hanoi Takeaway, Wang Yong, expressed delight at the forthcoming bloodbath.

“My family so proud!” squealed Yong with delight, “Back home, people fight outside my parent shop many time, but now they fight because food – not beer, this progress!”

Noting that Hanoi’s foreigner community has often been fractured, fragile and altogether flimsy over the years, Yong hopes to reignite a sense of community fostered by a love for Chinese takeaway that people will be prepared to kill for.

“Growing up in UK, many idiot say ‘You not British’ so I say, this not Chinese init bruv and give them food, they like it, but fucking idiot vote Brexit and now, restaurant fucked, init,” he explained. “My food – Great Wall Takeaway – make everything better, my promise!”

Despite long held beliefs that it would take a catastrophic existentially-threatening event to bring society to its knees, experts have today been dismayed to learn that all it would take is the release of British-Chinese takeaway food into a previously untapped market.

With the majority of Hanoians expected to be trampled to death or brutally beaten with brooms in the first few hours of Great Wall Takeaway’s opening, Dr. Campbell confirmed that those who initially survive are most likely to die participating in forced gladiatorial combat events that will probably take place in the Thunderdome battle royale hellscape that awaits when sweet and sour chicken balls replace the Dong as currency.

Yong has since offered to console Dr. Campbell with a lifetime supply of chow mein, which is expected to include about four or five meals.

“I love Vietnam, but no Chinese restaurant like back home make me sad,” mused Yong as he checked and rechecked the barricades at his secret bunker deep underground.

“So I make Great Wall Takeaway best meal of life, init, worth fight for, worth die for, for sure!”

The Durian has since armed its reporters with trowels and GoPro cameras to bring you the very best in street violence that is sure to engulf the city following the advent of a new Chinese food takeaway.