The Durian - Hanoi's Smelliest News: February 2019

Trump and Kim seen fleeing the country as hostel bills mount

Nội Bài International Airport, Hanoi – It’s Fear and Loathing in Hanoi as a flustered Donald Trump and Kim Jong-un were seen charging through the airport in a mad dash to hit the immigration desk before their hostel owner reports them.

There were visible sparks flying between the two as they bickered their way out of a taxi, allegedly without paying, or stopping to remove the toilet paper that had become attached to Trump’s foot. Clearly, something, somewhere had gone horribly wrong on the much-ridiculed “Backpacking for Peace” Southeast Asian tour.

Our reporter retraced their steps from the night before.

Claiming that the pair had overslept and then made a less than discreet run for it, fellow backpacker Dean Hamilton, 19, stated that a drunken Kim had been carried to bed in the shared dorm room by Trump at approximately 3.15am this morning.

“I just remember this huge scene kicking off sometime after 3am,” recalls Hamilton, “Someone had told Kim Jong-un to keep it down or something and he just flew off the handle, yelling about nuking everyone, nuking their mums and Trump – that dude was trying to be chill about it, but even in the dark, you could tell he was scared.”

“I’m not surprised they did a runner,” added Hamilton, “I saw Trump’s tiny little hands all over the place last night, he was like a particularly gropey spider, but large, orange, and humanoid. He wasn’t even drinking.”

While owner of Beds, Bugs & Beyond was unavailable for comment, airport CCTV showed an irate, apparently unpaid taxi driver chasing them into Nội Bài International Airport before being wrestled to the ground by airport security.

Speaking exclusively with The Durian as he trampled over a small child on the way to the immigration checkpoint, North Korean Supreme Leader, digital disruptor, and would-be influencer Kim Jong-un claimed, “We had no choice man, that place was skanky and I totes forgot I booked us on the earlier flight to Bangkok, we could take a later one, but we’d miss our connection to Chiang Mai.”

Stopping to mop the sweat from his supreme brow, the North Korean leader confided to our reporter that he was too hungover to deal with Trump’s shit and had deliberately booked a seat on a separate aisle.

Trump echoed his backpacking buddy’s sentiment in a characteristically unedifying and incoherent statement, “People say we didn’t pay, that’s fake news, people – they know nothing, these people, nothing, I’m a very rich guy, one of the richest, too rich some people say, not me, but that’s what people say, they say ‘He’s very successful, sure, but he’s too rich’ – I’m unpresidently rich and I’m a winner, I’m gonna win at immigration, I’m gonna win at catching this flight, and I’m gonna win at this full moon party Kim’s taking me to, great guy, Kim, short, but great, tremendous eye for parties, I love parties, love them, except the crooked Democrats, they won’t pay for my trip, they’d rather pay for illegal immigrants.”

Reports stated that the pair were just inches from the security checkpoint when they descended into visceral, verbal violence as it emerged that the passports of both world leaders were in fact still behind the desk at Beds, Bugs & Beyond.

It may be too early to speculate on the outcome of this ugly spat, but as authorities surrounded the pair with guns drawn, it signalled a premature end to the “Backpacking for Peace” Southeast Asian tour that promised so much and delivered little more than memes and hours of reportage that nobody asked for.

Detained and indicted for absconding without paying, Trump and Kim are set to appear in court later this month, but for the time being, their journey together enters a new phase as they await trial behind bars at an undisclosed location in Hanoi.

More on this sphincter-tightening story as it develops.

The Durian is a satirical news outlet, all of our stories are completely fictional, designed only to amuse and entertain. Any resemblance to people living or dead is purely coincidental and in no way intended to hurt your feelings. Sorry for pointing out the obvious, but there’s an abundance of humourless morons out there.

Beg-packer Trump selling US Declaration of Independence on streets of Hanoi to fund trip

Hoàn Kiếm, Hanoi – The Durian can confirm that rumours circulating on social media in the early hours of this morning are true. With shocking evidence, we can conclusively corroborate that the 45^th President of the United States of America has already blown his financial load in Vietnam and has fallen to the lowly status of beg-packer.

Reported sightings of “Big Donnie” Trump attempting to flog a rather crumpled US Declaration of Independence on the pavement of Mã Mây have been confirmed.

In a desperate bid to save his “Backpacking for Peace” gap year with North Korean leader and pre-eminent tech-disrupter, Kim Jong-un, author of The Art of the Deal has struggled to find a buyer for a genuine piece of American history.

The troubles began for the nuclear duo when a bill to release more funds for Trump’s travels was blocked by Congress on Wednesday, but the problem of funding was compounded further by Kim’s newfound veganism, ruling out the possibility of cheap street food in Vietnam.

“Obviously we’re disappointed by the decision in Congress,” explained a top Trump aide, who had recently been dismissed due to budgetary restrictions, “We really thought that the American taxpayer would understand that their president needs some dough to tread the path of the shaman with his kindred brethren Kim, before returning to usher in a new era of American greatness, perhaps with dreadlocks.”

“Honestly though, it was dope while it lasted, peace out Rocket Man!” he added before scurrying off to the departure lounge.

Meanwhile, bereft of the secret service, money for food, or anyone to wipe his arse, a dishevelled, shit-covered President Trump had resorted to begging on the streets of Hanoi, a mere four days into the “Backpacking for Peace” tour. A hastily scribbled sign made from cardboard and inked in rat’s blood outlined the sales pitch for the US Declaration of Independence.

While notorious deal-maker Trump attempted to get a fistful of Dong in exchange for the 243-year-old document separating America from Great Britain, North Korean Supreme Leader Kim Jong-un had promised to come up with some cash by farming Bitcoin, just as soon as he could find somewhere to charge his new iPhone X.

A crestfallen Trump, no stranger to hard times, was reportedly seeking to file for bankruptcy for the eighth time, before remembering his favourite lawyer, Michael Cohen, probably wasn’t the guy to call – even if he had phone credit.

“It’s a total witch-hunt,” explained an exasperated, visibly dirty Trump, “The Dems won’t pay for this trip, I called the President of Mexico, we had a very good call, a very productive call, but he says to me, he says ‘Donald, Mr President, I’d love to fund your backpacking trip, I love Southeast Asia, but Obama already called me’ and you know what Obama said? You know what he said to the President of Mexico? This is it, this is what he said. He said ‘Don’t do it.’ I couldn’t believe it, can you? It’s so sad. Such a loser. Now Vice President Pence won’t answer my calls, he won’t answer, now I have no credit, but I know he likes me, he likes me a lot.”

When our reporter pointed out that selling the historic US Declaration of Independence for enough money to get a dorm room was probably a felony, the 45^th President of the United States responded, “That is fake news, you, The Durian, The Durian is fake news.”

Speaking exclusively with The Durian, Kim Jong-un revealed he still had the financial backing of his country, but he felt that a few sanctions might help Trump calm down.

“He’s been a total bitch about this whole trip man, he doesn’t have the spirit to just appreciate the journey – he’s all about the destination, y’know? Then he got all pissy cause his elephant pants weren’t baggy enough and cause he got charged more than a local, so I just thought ‘Fuck this noise’ and decided to take a personal day,” explained Kim over the phone from an unknown luxury spa.

At press time Kim was reportedly enjoying a yoga class, while Trump was seen shaking hands with a Russian tourist after closing a deal on US nuclear codes. The beg-packing world leader was last seen freshening up in a Burger King bathroom.

Trump posts scathing review of Obama Bun Cha on TripAdvisor

Hoàn Kiếm, Ha Noi – Though President Donald J Trump was physically unable to fight in Vietnam some four decades ago, the POTUS has since developed into a keyboard warrior the likes of which the world has never seen.

Trump is currently travelling Asia with his arch-frenemy Kim Jong Un, Supreme Leader of North Korea and aspiring digital nomad, on what has been dubbed the “Backpacking for Peace” tour, but seemingly not everything has lived up to the Donald’s expectations.

The leader of the free world demonstrated his prowess behind a dimly lit blue screen again yesterday, leaving a scathing review on the TripAdvisor page of Hanoi restaurant Bun Cha Huong Lien, aka Obama Bun Cha.

Trump’s predecessor Barack Obama made the hole-in-the-wall eatery famous in 2016 when he stopped in for a bite and a beer with the late, great Anthony Bourdain, but it seems noted cheeseburger and Diet Coke connoisseur Trump was less than impressed with the Hanoi delicacy.

“If I had to choose a word – and I know many words, lots of people say I have all the good words, remember that – I’d say overrated, ok? I heard such tremendous things, ok, but I just don’t get it, nobody gets it. This guy Obama, ok, he never got food, never understood it, that’s what everyone is saying. Do we even know he came here? I never saw a visa, nobody else, the CIA, the FBI, the IBM, they never said they saw it. Where is his certificate of entry?” the review begins, after extensive review from editorial staff at The Durian managed to decipher the grammatical minefield Trump had left online.

The 45^th President of the United States of America went on to lambast the cutlery options, which he is believed to have described as “these long, fat toothpicks”, before querying the lack of ketchup, promising to Make America Great Again by securing a trade deal on ketchup with Vietnam and claiming to be “doing his bit” for bilateral relations by posting his review to TripAdvisor.

As to the actual food, the POTUS expressed some confusion as to the mechanics of bun cha consumption:

“What’s with the burger patties floating in the soup? I’ve eaten at all the top restaurants, all of them, in fact, the KFCs, McDonalds, Pizza Huts here, they’re begging, begging me to eat their food. So, you know, I know a little bit about food, more than a little bit, actually. And I’ve never seen burger patties floating in soup, even though I’ve been everywhere, by the way.”

The review stumbled over a range of emojis that seemed to imply further confusion on behalf of the Leader of the Free World, before returning to a 7-year-old’s interpretation of English.

“By the way, Anthony, Anthony Bourdain, he wanted me on that show. Parts Under There or whatever it was called. Because, you know, as I said, I know a thing or two about food, and reality TV, you know. He says ‘Mr Trump I need you on the show, we’re getting killed by the Apprentice in the ratings!’ And I said ‘Eh, Tony, I’ll think about it, ok.’ I’m still killing him in the ratings, by the way, even though he’s dead and I’m not. I was very sad he died. Tragedy. Like this food!”

Reached for comment, Trump’s comrade Kim would only say, “It was fine, like I would have preferred more grovelling and fear-induced heart attacks at the mere sight of my presence from the waitresses, but whatever, he [Trump] is killing my buzz man, nobody even uses TripAdvisor anymore – but I’m working on a new food app called #SlimKims.”

Kim discovers internet, becomes digital nomad

Hoàn Kiếm, Hanoi - Just days into the much vaunted “Backpacking for Peace” tour of Southeast Asia a large, pretentious and horn-rimmed spanner has been thrown into the works, threatening to derail the entire trip and in turn, usher in a nuclear holocaust.

Kim Jong-un, supreme leader of North Korea and US President Don Trump’s backpacking soul brother, discovered the internet on his first visit to a Hanoi Starbucks on day one of the trip, and has since fomented plans to move to Chiang Mai and become a “digital nomad.”

While the so-called ‘Hermit Kingdom’ does have limited internet access, it is believed the supreme leader was positively overwhelmed by the amount of information readily available at his gilded fingertips as he scrolled an afternoon away in Hanoi.

“I love the internet, you know Al Gore is a good friend of mine, you know, nice guy, not a winner though. This guy Kim though, once he saw the tremendous – and it truly is tremendous – stuff you can do, with the pictures and words and that was it – bing-bing-bing-bing – he was gone. Sad,” lamented Trump between sips on his 33^rd Diet Coke of the day.

Our correspondent corroborated the POTUS’s rambling, explaining the hereditary ruler of the DPRK had swiftly gone from viewing a few innocent cute cat videos, to injecting the dankest of memes directly into his eyeballs within minutes.

Before long, the internet-stricken leader had set up his own Upwork, LinkedIn and Medium pages as well as his own website (which has been classified for security reasons) to advertise his services as a “Virtual Assistant”.

On the “About Your Supreme Tasker” page of his personal website, Kim presents an enticing overview of his services:

“Ready for a break from the day to day labours of ruling your own glorious nation state? Want a weekend off from smiting your enemies and dictating righteous angry missives to your underlings? What you need is a bit of virtual assistance from me, your Supreme Tasker Kim Jong-un.”

Offering services including but not limited to “Optimising your pig-dog nemesis database,” “Photoshop Top Tips for the Rotund Rascal” and a boutique service, “Executing the Perfect Execution – How to Add that WOW Factor,” Kim told The Durian, via Slack of course, he was already inundated with requests.

“As it turns out, there are a lot of people out there looking for support services to optimise the running of their SMEs, social media channels or socialist utopias,” he explained, before sending us a video of a cat petting a puppy with the caption “OMG!!! Cute overload!!”

Experts suggested that the excessive use of exclamation marks may signal a strengthening of the nuclear bromance between Kim and Trump, even as the 45^th President of the United States was seen sat in Hanoi’s sole branch of McDonalds alone for much of the day.

At press time Kim’s Instagram story, accompanied by numerous hashtags, including #RiseAndGrindBitches, #Hustlin’, and #I’mNotARocketmanImmaRockItMan had failed to gain any followers from North Korea.

Kim and Trump’s backpacking tour of Southeast Asia to begin in Hanoi

Nội Bài International Airport, Hanoi – Donald J. Trump and Kim Jong-un today began their backpacking tour of Southeast Asia, landing in Hanoi earlier this morning.

Billed the “Backpacking for Peace” tour, the two world leaders are expected to travel around Southeast Asia together for much of the next year, until their respective economies collapse.

There was an electric atmosphere at Nội Bài International Airport today, for once not due to faulty wiring, but rather in anticipation of this historic moment.

In a joint press conference, Trump and Kim stated that, after much soul-searching, they had decided to forgo their differences and, in a bid to find themselves, would spend the foreseeable months travelling around Southeast Asia together.

“I love Hanoi, it’s a tremendous city, one of the best, they had John McCain, they had him and they said, y’know what they said to me?” asked the President of no-one in particular, “They said, ‘We don’t want him, he’s not a war hero, he was captured’ so now I’m here, it’s great,” exclaimed Trump.

“I never got to see Vietnam as a young man, and now, now I wish I had, it’s tremendous, most beautiful airport I’ve ever seen, ever, and I fly a lot, I fly, like, all the time, cause I’m, well y’know I’m a very important guy and the thing, the thing with important guys like me, is that well, obviously, they’ve gotta fly and that’s what Obama never got, yknow? He never flew – not once, believe me, I checked, he never flew and he never flew to Hanoi, this beautiful city, that I’m in, it’s a city and I’m in it, it’s beautiful, tremendously beautiful, a city...”

According to local press, the President of the United States continued on for some time until a senior aide gave him the signal to stop by wiping the dribble from his chin.

It was a sentiment that Kim echoed, “It’s so good to get some time off from thinking up nihilistic rhetoric about nuclear holocausts,” he stated, caressing his stomach like it were a baby sloth and in doing so prompting speculation that the Supreme Leader of North Korea was less than satiated by the VietJet in-flight meal.

“I’m serious,” stated the Supreme Leader after finding his composure, “It’s always ‘Total annihilation’ this, and ‘thrice-cursed pig-jackals’ that, you have no idea how repetitive it gets out there, so yeah,” Kim let out a long exhale, “it’s just nice to take some time out.”

Senior Trump aides insisted that the President of the United States had described the tour as unprecedented, rather than the distinctly audible “unpresidented” that had escaped his aging mouth earlier today.

As Trump’s national emergency drags on in America, the Commander-in-Chief seemed remarkably at ease with senior aides attending to the President’s tie, while an embarrassed Kim looked on in earnest.

Confiding in The Durian, Kim expressed dismay that Trump hadn’t been allowed to make the trip unaccompanied.

“It’s just such a bummer that these secret service goons are gonna be there,” moaned an exasperated Kim, “It’s so fucking lame, man – this is supposed to be our trip and now we got all these big boys spoiling all the fun.”

“We just got here and he’s already ruining it,” whined Kim, “but at least he left that dork Pence at home, that bitch’ll scare off all the pussy,” the Supreme Leader flashed a smile.

At press time the world leaders’ taxi was forced to wait for a full 30 minutes as the pair continued to make jokes about paying with their Dong. This led to an escalation of Dong jokes the likes of which even 19-year-old Australian backpackers only chuckle at.

The Durian has managed to obtain press passes for the entirety of the Backpacking for Peace tour and will be bringing you live coverage from around Vietnam and Southeast Asia as this historic event wipes its arse over our collective memory.

Highway at rush hour perfect place to teach child how to cycle, insists Grandfather

Tây Hồ, Hanoi – With a smile on his face and boundless love in his heart, Nguyen So Hiep beams with pride as he watches his granddaughter Duyen learn to pedal her pink bicycle, riding up and down a busy stretch of Yen Phu Street at rush hour.

The four-year-old has taken to the streets of Hanoi like a duck to water, pumping her feet in rhythm and deftly weaving in and out of the trucks, motorbikes and gold-rimmed SUVs that hurtle past her.

“Nothing gives me greater joy than hearing the anguished cries of buses and ice delivery drivers when she cuts them off and completely ignores them. It reminds me of my carefree youth,” Hiep wistfully said to The Durian as he watched Duyen pedal the wrong way down the street while playing a game of Candy Crush on her phone.

When asked whether it was sensible teaching a child still not fully in control of their bowel movements to cycle on a busy road, Hiep snorted so loudly he almost spat out what remains of his teeth.

“What’s the problem? I learned to cycle here as a child and the roads weren’t even paved back then. Yes, it’s a little busy, but we can’t coddle children or else they’ll never grow up. She has to learn to get back up when she falls, dust herself off, rearrange her kneecaps into the correct positions, argue her case in the ensuing traffic dispute, and get back on the bike as if nothing happened,” he said.

Hiep is also explaining the finer points of cycling fashion to his descendant and letting her know how important it is to dress properly on the roads.

“Under no circumstances should she ever enjoy unrestricted peripheral vision, how else is she going to learn to cycle as if she’s the only person or thing using the road? I’ve made sure she has a hat, mask and scarf to wear to keep her safe and blind.”

Nhanh Van Nhanh, owner of the Tay Ho-based driving school YouDriveFast, told The Durian that Duyen has a promising career as a road user ahead of her.

“All the greats start early. Anyone who ever caused a traffic accident with four fatalities or more got on the roads by at least six, so Duyen has a strong head start. If she has the necessary grit and thoughtlessness required to flout all the laws of man and God on the roads and thereby cause chaos and devastation every time she pops to the shops, she could go all the way to the YouDriveFast Hall of Fame.”

While Hiep acknowledges Duyen has a long way to go before she’s ready to hit the roads totally unsupervised, he has faith she’ll get there sooner rather than later.

“She’s already dipping out from behind parked cars at the last minute and finding other cyclists to talk to while they ride slowly, stalling traffic behind them to a crawl,” he said with great pride, “She’s a natural!”

Woman misaligns chakras, vomits faeces

Tây Hồ, Hanoi - Local cretin and “educator,” Stacey Hopkinson, was hospitalised on Monday after a particularly strenuous holistic wellness session left her chundering fecal matter on Tô Ngọc Vân.

In attempting to rebalance her life force or some bullshit, Stacey attended a meditation class hosted by well-known Mystic Dave, who has lingered around Hanoi like a damp, bearded fart, parting a number of credulous fools from their hard-earned English-teaching salaries.

“I had been feeling a lot of negative energy recently. I was really disconnected from the universe. Dave usually sorts me out, but I guess I just pushed my chakras too hard this time.” Stacey explained from her rancid hospital bed.

A reporter from The Durian was unable to find the shaman from Milton Keynes in the fog of incense that enveloped his squalid flat. However, he did respond to enquiries on Facebook Messenger.

Spiritual life-coach Dave declined to provide his prices, although a brief investigation by The Durian revealed he was charging $70 per hour of nonsense, and $100 if he whacked a small metal bowl during the scam session.

Dave assured our reporter that he had undergone intensive training on YouTube and was certified by the internet-based Institute of Health Sience. It is unclear whether the alternative spelling of ‘science’ was intentional.

“After chanting and listening to Enya for 45 minutes I was feeling a bit woozy, so I stepped out for some fresh air. That’s when I barfed crap all over the pavement. I recognised the substance almost immediately as the quinoa salad and wheatgrass smoothie I had for lunch.” Stacey said between bouts of gagging.

This isn’t the first incident of its kind. Last year, a group of 10 dupes required emergency treatment after eating a bowl of quartz crystals to bring emotional stability to their colons. Doctors were able to remove the stones rectally from nine of the idiots, while one man wanted to leave them where they were. His current condition or whereabouts is unknown.

Undeterred by the gastrointestinal repercussions, Stacey said the unfortunate event would not keep her from such pursuits in the future.

“I got a tarot reading from one of Mystic Dave’s housemates and it said I should keep paying for the sessions. You have to trust the cards, you know? I’ll just bring a bucket next time.” Stacey said.

At press time, Mystic Dave was advertising a new ‘blindfolded motorcycle yoga’ class. The Durian encourages all of Dave’s customers to give it a go.

Bus Driver cranks up volume on EDM as journey enters thirteenth hour

Hà Đông, Hanoi – Hurtling towards Hanoi at some 140kmp/h, bus driver Le Tuan Trong determined
that as his bone-rattling journey from Hue entered its thirteenth hour, now – more than ever – was
the right time to really crank up the EDM that had been blaring non-stop since they left the ancient
city.

With Hanoi in the headlights, a Red Bull in hand and his bloodstream polluted with narcotics that
would’ve put even a young Mick Jagger in a wooden box, Le felt a sudden surge of energy that
spurred him to double the volume on his favourite EDM playlist.

Despite enduring almost thirteen full hours of blaring tunes that could at best be described as the
last mournful shrieks of R2-D2 being thrown into a house fire, Le was eager to share his intoxicated
love for the Hanoian EDM scene with everyone on the bus.

“This one’s for you at the back!” Le reportedly yelled. Sources confined to the bus confirmed that Le
continued to chuckle maniacally as a grotesque slab of sunburnt American flesh rose from the
depths of a pharmaceutically-induced slumber to emit something approaching English.

With the bass speakers pumping away like a quarterback on prom night, the American’s Diazepam-
sodden slur of a complaint escaped the ears of Le, who was occupied trying to Facetime his cousin
while navigating the perils of the road.

Complaining to our reporter that tonight’s passengers were a bunch of nanny-state, soggy-bottomed
buzzkills, Le went on to express his vehement disgust with the distinct lack of vibe and/or dancing,
before swerving to avoid a motorcyclist and her child.

While none of the passengers screamed when Le asked our reporter to take the wheel so he could
stretch his legs, his decision to urinate out of the door of the moving bus was met with open disdain
from the few passengers dumb enough to have not drugged themselves into a temporary coma for
the duration of their nightmarish voyage back to the Vietnamese capital.

Neither the scowls of jabbering passengers nor the smattering of urine that he’d sprayed into the
stairwell by the door of his bus could bring Le down, who smiled as the bright lights of Hanoi came
looming forth from the smog, flying past his glossy eyes in perfect time with the latest interminable
EDM beat.

When the journey finally came to a screeching halt, so too did Le’s musical adventure. An audible
sigh of collective relief escaped the passengers, as did the tortured screams of a cyclist who’d been
caught in Le’s wheel-arch for the last 5km of the journey.

At press time, Le was reportedly sinking a few beers with fellow drivers in the car park,
contemplating moving into the aviation game for a well-known Vietnamese airline.

Man cements place in Hell, buys car in Hanoi

Ba Đình, Hanoi – Unaware that his actions would undeniably damn him to an eternity of torturous suffering in the darkest bowels of Hell, local man Nguyen Dang today purchased a large car for use in Hanoi.

Sources close to Nguyen confirmed that he remained blissfully ignorant of the interminable suffering he had brought on himself at the hands of horned demons by investing a considerable sum of money into a large Dodge four-wheel-drive.

“I knew it would be a disaster,” claimed Nguyen’s wife, Tran Que Anh, “People descend into blind, ugly violence when two bikes come at each other down our alleyway, this three tonne behemoth is going to get us all killed.”

“And for everyone out there who thinks he’s compensating for something,” she added, making a shrimp motion with her pinkie finger, “he is.”

Our correspondent in Hell spent the morning conferring with representatives of Satan and established that a staggering 98% of Hanoians that have been consigned to hell were in fact damned as a direct result of purchasing cars far too large for the ancient city.

“We’re working double-shifts, overtime and drafting in wayward angels just to deal with all these yuppie Hanoians who think a centuries-old city with narrow winding alleys is the perfect playground for a four-wheel-drive armoured personnel carrier,” one demon who wished to remain anonymous disclosed to The Durian.

Reports indicate that Hell’s minions are struggling to keep up with the demand for cars in Hanoi and that the need for skilled demons, qualified in the necessary arts of skin-peeling retribution, hadn’t been this dire since the Nixon administration folded.

“We’ve had to increase our recruitment drive over the last decade – have you got any idea how hard it is to find specialists who understand the subtle nuances of hollowing out a human body so it can be used it as a demonic prophylactic?” lamented the demon as he absent-mindedly twisted the limbs off a screaming Hanoian who, in his mortal life, had driven a Hyundai.

“It’s next to impossible to find enough skilled workers who can even train wasps to fly down a human throat, let alone get them to perforate the stomach lining,” sighed the demon as he withdrew his barbed penis from the eye socket of a Vietnamese BMW driver, only to insert it into the ear of a woman who once parked her Kia across both lanes on Nguyễn Đình Thi.

“Still, no rest for the wicked,” he laughed, making remarks scarcely audible over the agonised wailing of lost souls receiving celestial punishment for their choice of automobiles.

Adding that the vast majority of Hanoi’s motorists would most likely get a whiff of the sulphurous misery emanating from the fiery pits of damnation, The Durian’s underworld correspondent learned of the special measures Satan’s office had recently put in place for Hanoi’s car owners.

These included, but were not limited to, being boiled alive in a hot pot filled with raw, untreated sewage, being forced to eat the entirety of their own car before shitting it back out, only to consume it again and – in the cases where the car purchased was white – being used a Beelzebub’s personal flayed dildo.

All of this, however, was yet to be revealed to Nguyen, who had managed to wedge his new Dodge 4WD sideways on Van Bao, forcing him to exit the vehicle to remove a small child that had somehow become caught in the bonnet.

When reached for comment, Nguyen simply offered that he “deserved this,” although sources later confirmed that he was in fact referencing his new, shiny Dodge and not the interminable nest of flesh-eating ants that would devour him inside out for all of eternity in Hell.

At press time, Satan had reportedly obtained planning permission for an extension to Hell with a new circle of unwavering despair and brutality expected to be added to the underworld late 2019.