Hoàn Kiếm, Hanoi – The
Durian can confirm that rumours circulating on social media in the early
hours of this morning are true. With shocking evidence, we can conclusively
corroborate that the 45th President of the United States of America
has already blown his financial load in Vietnam and has fallen to the lowly
status of beg-packer.
Reported sightings of “Big Donnie” Trump attempting to flog
a rather crumpled US Declaration of Independence on the pavement of Mã Mây have
been confirmed.
In a desperate bid to save his “Backpacking for Peace” gap year
with North Korean leader and pre-eminent tech-disrupter, Kim Jong-un, author of
The Art of the Deal has struggled to
find a buyer for a genuine piece of American history.
The troubles began for the nuclear duo when a bill to
release more funds for Trump’s travels was blocked by Congress on Wednesday,
but the problem of funding was compounded further by Kim’s newfound veganism,
ruling out the possibility of cheap street food in Vietnam.
“Obviously we’re disappointed by the decision in Congress,”
explained a top Trump aide, who had recently been dismissed due to budgetary
restrictions, “We really thought that the American taxpayer would understand
that their president needs some dough to tread the path of the shaman with his
kindred brethren Kim, before returning to usher in a new era of American
greatness, perhaps with dreadlocks.”
“Honestly though, it was dope while it lasted, peace out
Rocket Man!” he added before scurrying off to the departure lounge.
Meanwhile, bereft of the secret service, money for food, or
anyone to wipe his arse, a dishevelled, shit-covered President Trump had
resorted to begging on the streets of Hanoi, a mere four days into the
“Backpacking for Peace” tour. A hastily scribbled sign made from cardboard and inked
in rat’s blood outlined the sales pitch for the US Declaration of Independence.
While notorious deal-maker Trump attempted to get a fistful
of Dong in exchange for the 243-year-old document separating America from Great
Britain, North Korean Supreme Leader Kim Jong-un had promised to come up with
some cash by farming Bitcoin, just as soon as he could find somewhere to charge
his new iPhone X.
A crestfallen Trump, no stranger to hard times, was
reportedly seeking to file for bankruptcy for the eighth time, before
remembering his favourite lawyer, Michael Cohen, probably wasn’t the guy to
call – even if he had phone credit.
“It’s a total witch-hunt,” explained an exasperated, visibly
dirty Trump, “The Dems won’t pay for this trip, I called the President of
Mexico, we had a very good call, a very productive call, but he says to me, he
says ‘Donald, Mr President, I’d love to fund your backpacking trip, I love
Southeast Asia, but Obama already called me’ and you know what Obama said? You
know what he said to the President of Mexico? This is it, this is what he said.
He said ‘Don’t do it.’ I couldn’t believe it, can you? It’s so sad. Such a
loser. Now Vice President Pence won’t answer my calls, he won’t answer, now I
have no credit, but I know he likes me, he likes me a lot.”
When our reporter pointed out that selling the historic US
Declaration of Independence for enough money to get a dorm room was probably a
felony, the 45th President of the United States responded, “That is
fake news, you, The Durian, The Durian is fake news.”
Speaking exclusively with The Durian, Kim Jong-un revealed he still had the financial backing
of his country, but he felt that a few sanctions might help Trump calm down.
“He’s been a total bitch about this whole trip man, he
doesn’t have the spirit to just appreciate the journey – he’s all about the
destination, y’know? Then he got all pissy cause his elephant pants weren’t
baggy enough and cause he got charged more than a local, so I just thought
‘Fuck this noise’ and decided to take a personal day,” explained Kim over the
phone from an unknown luxury spa.
At press time Kim was reportedly enjoying a yoga class,
while Trump was seen shaking hands with a Russian tourist after closing a deal
on US nuclear codes. The beg-packing world leader was last seen freshening up
in a Burger King bathroom.
The Durian is a
satirical news outlet, all of our stories are completely fictional, designed
only to amuse and entertain. Any resemblance to people living or dead is purely
coincidental and in no way intended to hurt your feelings. Sorry for pointing
out the obvious, but there’s an abundance of humourless morons out there.
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