The Durian - Hanoi's Smelliest News: March 2019

Tourist left walking around lake for days after date with local woman

Hoàn Kiếm, Hanoi – An American man vacationing in Hanoi as part of a Southeast Asia backpacking trip was found unconscious at the edge of Hoàn Kiếm Lake this morning, with bloody stumps in place of where his feet should have been.

Ben Jenkins, 25 from Seattle, reportedly went on a date with a local woman he met on the popular matchmaking app, Lay a Tây, the evening prior to being found.

“We agreed to meet in the Old Quarter and walk around the lake,” said a visibly shaken Jenkins, “I thought it sounded a bit boring, but that it would be a good chance to wow her with my exotic backpacking stories. I normally lead with the one about when I did Angkor Wat after a 24-hour booze, balloons, and mystery powder bender.”

“I have a great photo of a pile of my puke in the foreground of one of those shitty temples as the sun rises,” he added, “Majestic, man.”

According to testimony given by Jenkins to local police, the two walked around Hoàn Kiếm Lake six times before buying ice cream and sitting on a bench to chat about pets, marriage, and intersectional feminism.

“After the ice cream we started walking again – I was beginning to wonder if it’d ever end,” he says. “That’s when I lost sight of her in a group of Koreans dressed as bananas.

“I would have just said fuck it and went to look for a happy ending place, but I couldn’t work out the local SIM cards, so I just kept walking, looking for her. Oh god, what have I done?”

Jenkins was found the next morning with pus and blood oozing out from his mangled legs and third-degree brain freeze, presumably from eating copious amounts of matcha ice cream.

His date on the evening in question has been identified as Nguyen Chi Phuong, 23 from Hanoi.

The Durian was contacted the following afternoon by a man who also claimed to have walked around the lake with Phuong, barely escaping with his feet intact. He wished to remain anonymous.

The anonymous caller – Alexander Smythe, 24 from Nottingham, UK who works at Fun Speak English Centre on 27B Nguyen Chi Thanh Street – told The Durian that he was subjected to an evening of drinking bubble tea and walking around the same lake after meeting Phuong on February 16^th.

“She talked about how she wasn’t ready to get married yet,” said Smythe, “But then she kept asking me if I wanted to marry a Vietnamese girl. To be honest, I didn’t really get what she was after.

“We walked around the lake a couple of times and then I lost her in a group of Koreans dressed as watermelons. I said, ‘fuck it’ and went to look for a happy ending.”

Smythe traversed the lake a few more times before migrating to a nearby craft beer bar which serves his favourite apricot fart infused beverages, where it is believed he eventually blacked out and went back to the lake. He was picked up by local police in the middle of the night circling a roundabout in a cyclo.

Local police officer Pham Dang Duc confirmed that there have been several reports of foreigners in Hanoi being left to wander aimlessly around lakes like lost children in recent months. He was unwilling to comment on how many had been found with mangled limbs.

“We pick them up and drop them at Spy Bar where they can drown their sorrows,” said Duc, “They usually look very confused, but we just tell them that it’s all okay and then they calm down.

“The Tây is a solitary creature that adapts to the presence of other life forms by warming itself up with alcohol, so one must take care not to startle it,” he added.

Duc also confirmed that the local authorities are aware of Korean tourists dressed as fruit and that measures are being taken to contain the situation.

At press time, our reporter was taking a picture for a Korean couple dressed as cartons of milk.

The Durian is a satirical news outlet, all of our stories are completely fictional, designed only to amuse and entertain. Any resemblance to people living or dead is purely coincidental and in no way intended to hurt your feelings. Sorry for pointing out the obvious, but there’s an abundance of humourless morons out there.

VietFly passengers eagerly anticipating landing so battle royale can begin

In this special dispatch filed from his cellular device, Geoffrey Hornswaggle brings you a report from an aircraft, shortly before descending into the belly of Hanoi.

With mere minutes to go before landing in the capital, the tension on board flight VF69-420 from Da Nang was rising as passengers braced for the traditional post-touchdown brawl.

From row one all the way back to 32, passengers are licking their lips furiously, sharpening their elbows, and making peace with their ancestors in preparation for the carnage to come when the plane lands. The Durian can exclusively report that all passengers aboard flight VF69-420 are bulging with bloodlust, waiting for the moment wheel meets tarmac, allowing them to leap to their feet, climb the chairs and begin raiding the overhead bins.

“See that sleeping grandmother in 27D? I’m about to make her my bitch,” one man said to me, with baggage lust in his eyes.

While the rest of this was flight was conducted in something close to civility, with only a few phone conversations during take-off and one half-hearted attempt at smoking in the bathroom, the vibrations took a turn for the wretched and depraved as soon as the pilot announced we would be landing soon.

Once the announcement ended, a blood-curdling scream echoed down the plane from the front row as the frailer passengers began to openly weep. One unidentified woman was heard wailing, “In the name of all that is holy have some mercy – it’s a Versace for crying out loud!”

In an attempt to find out exactly why every VietFly landing warrants scenes of blind, ugly violence, I decided to ask some of my fellow passengers – just what was driving them to gnaw on one another’s skulls in a bid to feast on the gooey innards?

“Well, once we’re allowed to stand up, I’m allowed to get my things. Waiting’s for suckers, and I ain’t no sucker. Foolish Tay,” said one teen, who was busy filing his fingernails into sharp points.

“I’ve been stuck in this seat for almost two hours and so it’s about time I physically expressed myself – violence is a beautiful medium” explained a middle-aged man.

We’re about to land now. I’m not sure I’ll make it, some of the others are arming themselves with knives and all I have is this flimsy 1999 Durian-issued laptop to defend myself with.

Delete my internet history and tell my family I wasted my life with them.

Since that report was filed, a small avalanche of severed limbs tumbled out of flight VF69-420’s cabin doors, with one blood-spattered passenger, clutching her luggage, emerging victorious.

Cannibal guest chef, a mistake admits food festival organiser

Tây Hồ, Hanoi – Smelting Pot Tiny Food Festival; a day usually reserved for cosy, middle-class expressions of late-stage capitalism where people exchange money for a mouthful of food served on a paper doily, instead descended this weekend gone into an orgy of violence that has left one person hospitalised and a further four in police custody.

“Smelting Pot has always hoped to push the boundaries of culinary cultures – for example, our flambeed air tarts have sparked much joy among those who can afford them, and the blue cheese & buffalo pigeon wings have become an international success after Gordon Ramsey tweeted about them,” stated Lola Crunkle, organiser of the long-running food festival in Hanoi, “So I think it’s a bit unfair that the media has chosen to focus only on the negatives.”

The negatives, in this case, being the inclusion of Abra-Cadaver’s food stall, run by infamous Dutch chef, Hans von Grubber. Grubber, 37, has made his mark on the global foodie scene for incorporating human meat into his recipes.

Hanoians attending this month’s Smelting Pot were shocked to see some of Grubber’s more creative concoctions on sale alongside the regular, exorbitant sliders.

“We know the foodie community is always craving something new, so this time we thought we’d pull out all the stops and invite Hans to showcase his controversial dishes,” Crunkle said, in an apparent defence of her decision to let a self-confessed cannibal loose in an enclosed space filled with juicy, tender white people.

“There seemed to be a touch of irony to what he was doing,” she added, “So we honestly, hand-on-heart, thought it would be harmless. This, I now acknowledge, was wrong.”

Serving up his trademark broiled scalp, turmeric-toes marinated in bone marrow and world-famous breakfast Justin skillet – a creative twist on the breakfast skillet classic that uses assorted parts of men exclusively named Justin – Grubber stole the show this weekend in Hanoi, along with some internal organs.

The trouble reportedly began when Grubber, furious at the lack of provisions for human meat, offered esteemed vegan classroom-ornament Stefan Jollisburg of South Africa the chance to be eaten, live at the festival.

Drunkenly believing himself to be living in a period of peak-irony, Jollisburg accepted the offer, but only when a butcher’s knife pierced his stomach and Grubber’s assistants were reaching into the bleeding wound to retrieve his innards did Jollisburg realise that this was no joke.

It took a cavalcade of assorted vegans, vegetarians, pescatarians, and flexitarians to rescue Jollisburg from the Abra-Cadaver food stall, but not before Grubber had allegedly performed an ad hoc lobotomy on the young South African.

Sources state Jollisburg is undergoing treatment at Đừng Chết private clinic, where doctors have pronounced him partially brain-dead, but have confirmed he will be able to return to the classroom next week and still stands a chance of scoring an above standard mark in his quarterly performance review.

“While we cannot defend the actions of Grubber or Abra-Cadaver, I vehemently deny any part in the violence that took place,” explained Crunkle, who has been detained along with Grubber and Abra-Cadaver staff as part of a wider investigation into commercialised human consumption.

A spokesperson for Abra-Cadaver confirmed that a misunderstanding between Smelting Pot organisers and Grubber regarding the provision of human flesh had escalated unexpectedly, but stated that there was an untapped market in Hanoi for white meat and that they hoped to attend next month’s festival better prepared.

“We are deeply sorry for the egregious errors that took place this weekend,” wrote Abra-Cadaver on social media, “But we do actively encourage any humans with an interest in being cooked or eaten to apply to our meat donor programme, especially those called Justin."

"It is our understanding that Hanoi is awash with prime candidates, who – if successful – can spare themselves the indignity of teaching English in a dimly neo-colonial fashion by donating their flesh to Abra-Cadaver."

The statement continued, "We pride ourselves on using only the tastiest, least STD-affected parts of the English teacher and we hope that we can showcase our chefs’ talents at next month’s Smelting Pot Tiny Food Festival.”

Revealed: bubble tea shops just a front for drugs

Ba Đình, Hanoi – Bubble tea shops are everywhere you look in Hanoi, supposedly because teenagers love drinking neon coloured ‘liquid’ and choking on lumps of boiled rubber.

The truth, however, is far more insidious, and The Durian can exclusively reveal that all bubble tea shops in Hanoi and, perhaps Vietnam, are simply fronting for an elaborate drug dealing operation.

While it may look like gelatinated globules of semen floating around in a Dulux colour range of pastel paints, bubble tea has remained inexplicably popular with the youth of Hanoi, but now The Durian can finally offer a concrete explanation.

Yes, gangsters have been peddling heroin, cocaine and methamphetamine out of well-known bubble tea chains like Bubblez4U’n’Me, TeaIzLyfe and SlurpMyGoo for close to two years.

The Durian was first tipped off to this shocking truth after one of our reporters made a purchase from Trà Thuốc Gây Nghiện on Giang Văn Minh Street.

“I had to see what all the fuss was, the queues outside had been fucking massive for months and I wanted to be the 400th person to write about teens hooked on bubble tea,” explained, Mr X, a freelance reporter who wished to remain anonymous so as not to be passed around Vietnamese prison like currency.

“I only had one sip – easily the worst taste balls have left in my mouth, so I threw it on the side of the street like any good Hanoian would, the stuff was absolute pish! But about an hour later I was having epiphanies while listening to Kid Cudi, Googling places that sell hemp in Hanoi, and trying to start a Kickstarter to bring Quest back, so I knew I was off my tits – what’s worse, I wanted more.”

Our freelancer has since been locked in a basement, with food and water intermittently lowered in via a system of pulleys until Mr X is feeling better.

This revelation launched an investigation into the shops across the city.

Fronting for drug deals was the only logical explanation, as there’s no reason for any economy to be able to support one place selling water with tapioca and food colouring, yet alone thousands.

“I opened my shop with good intentions, I’d heard they were doing well in Taiwan,” explained current bubble tea shop owner Mrs Y, also speaking under condition of anonymity.

“Just a few weeks in, I was nearly bankrupt – I had no customers, but the SlurpMyGoo shop across the road was always packed with kids gnashing their teeth and passing out from anticipation.

“I was then approached by someone who said he represented the ‘Funki Tea Boyz’. He said he could make my garbage tea irresistible for a small retainer, he said I could have the world! Oh God, what have I done?” Mrs Y sobbed, while sat on a throne of cash.

Mrs Y explained that initially, she just sprinkled some of the Boyz “funky powder” into her products, but before long customers were asking for pure, uncut bags of the flavouring, and she was rolling in the dough.

“I’m ashamed but I’m rich, so I sleep at night for the most part. To be honest, I’m stunned no one figured it out until now. It’s been a real eye-opener for what people will endure to get their next fix though,” she said.

If you know someone addicted to bubble tea, contact The Durian for more information on how to safely and humanely have them put down.

Local man unable to orgasm without pneumatic drilling in background

Ba Đình, Hanoi – While most find Hanoi’s never-ending construction work as much fun as a sandpaper handjob for the ears, one local expat can’t get enough of the sounds of drills, hammers, and ripped Vietnamese men ripping thuốc lào.

That’s because Richard Wrigglesworth, 32, can no longer achieve orgasm without having his skull shaken by the sound of pneumatic drilling and other construction noise.

“It all started when I moved here last June,” the small-time barbiturate salesman turned English teacher from Loughborough told The Durian.

“I moved into a shared house, as I couldn’t afford my own place by working 10 hours a week, which really says something about the housing market here if you ask me. Anyway, I met this bird on Lay a Tây, which is like Tinder, but where white men have a leg up for once, and brought her home for a bit o’ the old hanky panky.”

However, before Wrigglesworth could give his date the “greatest 30 seconds of her life”, disaster struck.

“She could hear my housemates arguing over which ass cheek they should get their ‘Live, Love, Laugh’ tattoos on,” Wrigglesworth lamented, “and she said she didn’t want anyone to hear us making sweet, sweet love. But luckily, that’s when the drilling started.”

While his street’s fifth Vinmart was being constructed next door, Wrigglesworth enjoyed a summer disappointing “countless” Vietnamese woman, all to the rhythmic soundtrack of pneumatic drilling.

Once the construction work ended, Wrigglesworth had a bigger problem. For the 32-year-old accident, it was about more than finding a new noise to drown out the unimpressed grunts of his latest “conquest”.

“I had an empty house, bird round, rubbered up like a Hanoian motorist in the rain, bish-bash-bosh, things are getting saucy, but I can’t seem to make it to the finish line, if you catch my drift,” the respected member of both the ESL and psy-trance communities explained.

Wrigglesworth found that months of screwing to the sounds of screws being screwed and drilling to the sound of, well, drilling, had triggered a Pavlovian response in his nether regions, whereby sexual climax was associated with the sound of construction work.

This realisation led him to some dark places.

“Now I wank at construction sites whenever the workers take a smoke, tea, or chit chat break, which is luckily every 30 minutes in Hanoi. I was almost caught once, but played it off by doing the white, male pantomime.”

When reached by phone, coitus expert Ron Jeremy told The Durian that he had, since retiring from the porn circuit, hired a permanent, live-in slap-funk bassist.

“I’m out of porn for good now, but those bass lines – the vibrations man, they sent something through me,” confessed a weary Jeremy, “Now, I’m in a loving relationship, happily married, but the only way I can make good on my wedding vows – which were actually similar to a lot of my old contracts actually – the only way I can do it is with that bass.”

“It was a bit tough at first, getting Linda to be cool with someone else being in the room for our most intimate moments,” he added, “so we went through a few trial runs, but now since we’ve got Ashley on a permanent retainer as our marital bassist, things have been bigger and better.”

Team behind Clean-up Challenge actually just really good at Photoshop

Đống Đa, Hanoi – Documents handed to The Durian have today uncovered the truth behind the recent Clean-up Challenge, a trend more viral than a savage outbreak of super gonorrhoea at some far-flung Quest Festival of yesteryear.

The challenge, which has been encouraging wholesome, environmentally sane behaviour is in fact the mean-spirited machination of a devious few who are just really, very good at Photoshop.

While people across Vietnam have been acting in the best interests of humanity’s long-term survival as a result of the Clean-up Challenge, evidence we received today that we are yet to verify, read, or even really stare at longer than you would a casual roadside fire in Hanoi, has confirmed the worst.

Countless idealistic individuals have gotten off their phones and taken to the streets, beaches, and sparse green patches of Vietnam to rid the nation of discarded rubbish. The craze has seen people who don’t want to watch the planet die a miserable choking death take “Before” and “After” photos of the area they’ve cleaned up. The transformation of affected areas has been both more stunning and easier to look at than even the most skilled nose-job.

But The Durian can reveal that these photos are merely the work of Photoshop enthusiasts sipping cà phê sữa đá into the wee hours of the night.

With the rise of fake news, a term popularised by a fake president, this bombshell series of documents has opened another festering wound on the bloated carcass of trust.

Indeed, it begs the question – is anything we read online to be believed these days?

The Durian met with two young, optimistic, and enterprising teen participants of the Clean-up Challenge to break this devastating news to them in person.

“Well, personally, I think whether it started as real or fake, it’s inspired people to do something real,” explained nubile twerp with a desire to create a habitable environment for generations to come, Nguyen Đéo Gà Diep.

“The virality of this challenge has tapped into a collective fear we all share about environmental sustainability,” added Nguyen’s associate, Van Làm Tình, “It’s good so many people have responded to such an urgent, universal crisis.”

Sickened to his core by such enthusiastic notions of positivity and responsibility, especially from people who look like they have their umbilical cords attached and tucked into their trousers, our reporter was forced to flee to the nearest bar.

The online response to the Clean-up Challenge has not been entirely positive though.

Anti-environmentalist and all-round human butt-plug, Justin Jaffretto, took to social media while hiding behind his penguin profile picture to complain about the trend.

“It’s a bloody disgrace, where the hell am I supposed to throw my litter now? I bet these libtards wouldn’t like it if they found me rummaging through their garbage late at night and taking photos of all their used condoms! They don’t even stop to think that maybe the places they’re cleaning up was more aesthetically pleasing while covered in human debris – inconsiderate snowflakes.”

While these revelations published today by The Durian may have individuals like Jaffretto wanking themselves to sleep and throwing the ejaculate-sodden tissue into a park, the extent of the fallout and what this means for the Clean-up Challenge is yet to be seen.

Will people continue to actively make a positive impact on their environment, or will they too simply take to Photoshop? Find out next week as The Durian sends our reporter undercover as a piece of garbage.

Ciputra residents mock flimsy barbed wire outside Tây Hồ housing complex

Khu đô thị Ciputra, Hanoi – Noting that the razor-wire defence mounted by ambitious Tây Hồ urban developers was utterly useless, residents of Ciputra mocked the notorious foreign district of Hanoi without mercy or the presence of armed guards.

“Well I’d say bro, just look at this,” exclaimed Trayden Rufflin, as he and fellow Ciputra residents embarked on “urban safari” into the darkest bowels of Tây Hồ, “They’ve not even got manned gun turrets, let alone sentry gun defences, how quaint!”

Looking like the sort of arsehole you’d usually only see from the safety of your sofa while he presents a TV game show, Timeshare Manager by day and all-round wank-stain, Rufflin, 38, had earlier that morning enjoyed a liquid breakfast, quaffing cocktails at the Ciputra Club that inexplicably cost VND2,900,000 each.

“They’re part of a boutique, curated recipe,” explained Rufflin as he carefully stepped over a puddle, “Four parts gin, two parts brandy, and just a twist of orphan’s tears.”

“I’ll send it back if it’s anything more than a twist,” he added.

The party of four had allegedly drank enough to spend the afternoon “slumming it” in the sun, while marvelling at the lack of armed guards in a small Tây Hồ neighbourhood.

“But how can someone live like this?” asked a totally straight-faced Daphne McCloné, a 34-year-old retired corporate lawyer, “These hovels scarcely look large enough to house the help!”

The couple accompanying Ruffling and McCloné were reportedly traumatised by the sheer number of Vietnamese people living in Hanoi. The pair, later identified as Reginald Von Bloomington and Penelope Lithely – jewellers specialising in conflict diamonds – were reportedly struggling to comprehend the barbarism of Tô Ngọc Vân.

“It was all a bit of a shock,” Von Bloomington confided to The Durian reporters on the scene.

“I just never imagined myself in such a ruinous war-zone where...” tragically Von Bloomington’s sentence and life were both cut short as he walked into traffic while inspecting the overhead electrical wiring.

He was killed instantly by the impact of an English teacher on a Honda Wave. He is survived by his wife Jennifer Jollifer, his mistress Penelope Lithely, and swathes of illegitimate children.

Distraught by the demise of their fellow adventurer, the shell-shocked trio vowed never to leave Ciputra again and, with the assistance of their private security taskforce, scuttled back to the ostentatious holes from which they’d slithered.

At press time foreigners and locals were coming together to load the splattered remnants of Von Bloomington and the now-deceased English teacher that hit him onto a wooden cart, so that they could later be salvaged for parts.

Delivery range of man’s favourite restaurant confirms God is dead

Thanh Xuân, Hanoi – Throwing himself back onto his bed with an audible sigh of exasperation, 31-year-old Gareth Barnes today learned his Thanh Xuân residence was considered too far for delivery by his favourite Hanoi restaurant, Culo Cazzo, and that God must be dead as a result.

According to sources, a dejected Barnes lay staring at the ceiling fan wondering how such an omnipotent, omnipresent and thoroughly benevolent being as God could possibly preside over Earth if Culo Cazzo couldn’t even deliver the measly few kilometres that separated their luscious fettuccine alfredo from his home.

“It’s just so eye-opening,” said Barnes to no-one in particular, “I mean, if having a creamy white pasta delivered to my door is too much to ask for, then what hope is there for the people of Syria, Yemen and all of us who suffer needlessly?”

Upon realising that he perhaps had it better than most and was in the luxurious position of being able to order a pizza while millions of people worldwide would have to hunt rats with a dirty, old shoe for their dinner tonight, Barnes wondered if he’d been overly harsh on the Almighty Lord and Creator.

Shaking his head, he later stated “No, he [The Light, The Shepherd, The Creator of All] must be dead. A living God wouldn’t allow such an injustice to occur to such a righteous man. I’m a good person and don’t deserve this, it was only last week I bought a pack of chewing gum off a man with no limbs!”

An abject Barnes reportedly motioned over to his phone, before going on to claim “This just fucking proves it.”

Unaware that he was on his feet now and speaking in a half-murmur to himself, Barnes continued, “Come friendly asteroids and wash this intolerable pain away in the cleansing fires of oblivion.”

Speaking exclusively with The Durian, Francesco ‘Frankie’ Palmisano, owner and manager of Culo Cazzo, claimed that this wasn’t the first time Barnes had been driven into an existential funk by his restaurant.

“One time we couldn’t get the parmesan we needed for his risotto and I found him trying to hang himself in the customer bathroom.”

Adding that while he felt a surge of pride to know that anyone could equate a lack of access to his food to the demise of the Alpha and reportedly the Omega, Palmisano felt he had no choice but to “ban the fucking psycho,” as he considered Barnes “a loose cannon.”

Sources confirmed that Barnes remained prone for some time before eventually staggering over to his phone and settling on a less reputable Italian restaurant.

Clueless Backpacker has no idea he’s bottom of foreigner food chain

Hoàn Kiếm, Hanoi – Touching down into Hanoi’s infamous Old Quarter and as oblivious as the day he was born nude and shrieking, an utterly clueless backpacker is yet to cotton on to the simple fact that he will be the butt of all other foreigner’s jokes for the duration of his stay.

Despite having spent something close to 17 hours in transit from his native home, the UK, Derek Dalwhinnie had not even thought for a moment that he would be the lowest form of foreigner in Hanoi.

Sources close to Dalwhinnie noted that the swaggering saunter with which he carried himself into the taxi and his broad, unassuming smile undoubtedly meant that he remained blissfully ignorant to his perceived parasitic status within the foreigner community in the Vietnamese capital.

With an ear for the uninitiated’s language, his taxi driver saw to it that Dalwhinnie received a thorough welcome to Hanoi by charging him VND800,000 for his ride from the airport to his Old Quarter hostel.

Upon arriving Dalwhinnie bade an earnest farewell to the taxi driver and began his journey from white middle class male to the most looked-down-upon sentient foreigner in the nation.

“Get a load of this tool,” chirped a lesser-speckled English teacher as her and her herd of unqualified edutainment yuppies strolled past the mesmerised Dalwhinnie, “That’s the best he’ll smell all week!”

The gaggle of girls trotted on, with Dalwhinnie unaware of their goading jokes about his appearance, moral compass, and virility. He remained ignorant to the girls giggling, even as they remained completely ignorant of their own place within the hierarchy of foreigners in Hanoi.

Sources close to the clods of bacteria grown in language centres stated that none of the girls were in any way willing to accept their status as inherently low-rent foreigners.

While Dalwhinnie grazed peacefully in the paddock of ignorance, The Durian tracked down Professor Xuan Ban Nam of the Foreigners Academic Research Trust (FART) – a think-tank that focuses on the behaviour of foreigners in Vietnam.

“While I would caution that it’s too early to say,” stated Professor Xuan over the phone, “It sounds as though his cocksure sense of confidence stems purely from a blissful state of naivety.”

“I’ve spent years studying the habits of these cheese-fiends,” added the Professor, “They are in fact social beings, despite their relatively low levels of engagement with Vietnamese culture, but they organise themselves within specific patterns, always ensuring that there is someone positioned directly below them – someone to reassure them that they’re not the dregs of society – and in spite of their differences, the expatriate community will gladly unite around the common cause of condemning the backpacker for they lack the agency, comprehension, and ultimately the will to respond in a retaliatory fashion.”

When pressed to fully disclose the hierarchy of foreigners to The Durian, Professor Xuan chuckled, “It’s really very simple, your garden-variety language centre yuppies make the lowest band of resident whiteys, then above them, the unqualified public school teachers and then further still, the qualified teachers at international schools.”

“Of course, there’s a whole separate band for professionals outside of education,” he added, “There are inexperienced alcoholics who’ve opened a bar and acquired a Vietnamese wife, then beyond you have the restaurant owners – mostly French – and then your white collar professionals, professional service types and of course, at the tippy-top, you’ve got the guys who write for spoof news sites.”

Relieved, our reporter took a long hard look down his nose at any and all foreigners in the vicinity, before prompting the Professor to continue.

“The gap-year loving, beg-packing, crusty, white-guy-with-dreads-and-a-ukulele on the prowl for cheap beer and exotic STDs has unwittingly become a bogeyman that has the power to bring the often splintered foreigner community together through a loathing of his elephant pants, his unkempt appearance, and his assumed ignorance to all judgements levied against him.”

Staff at the Wet Nights Hostel where Dalwhinnie was staying said they were unable to distinguish him from any of the bearded young white men intent on discovering themselves on a soul-searching voyage through Southeast Asia.

“It’s so lovely to be here,” Dalwhinnie stated while repairing his only pair of shoes for his three month journey with duct-tape found under his bed, “Walking right through a place so dramatically shaped by history – a past that has created such a vivid and engaging cultural experience is here before me now, in the present.”

“Though I’m still left wondering the polite price for a handjob and a spliff,” grinned Dalwhinnie from the confines of his stale bunk bed.

Sentient Trump wig causing chaos in upscale hotel

Nam Từ Liêm, Hanoi – While American President and all-round crotch-goblin, Donald Trump, may have left quite an impression following his summit with North Korean despot Kim Jong-un last week, it appears he also left behind one of his iconic wigs.

Reports have been flooding in claiming that said wig has now turned feral and has been viciously attacking staff and guests at the J.W Marriott earlier this morning. Sources on the ground have confirmed that the rampage has left at least three guests dead, with one bellboy in critical condition.

The building was swiftly evacuated by hotel management, with the sentient wig feasting on the flesh of anyone whose legs didn’t move fast enough. Police have since quarantined the area, but were unable to enter the building until the surviving guests and staff could be moved to safety.

Speaking with The Durian, Mike Ulysses McCaw, a US tourist who was evacuated earlier this morning, said he saw the wig attacking a hotel maid.

“It was just chomping on her face, like that Alien movie y’know? Blood and face everywhere, so I didn’t have to think twice, I ran for it.”

When asked of the fate of the maid, McCaw claimed he had no choice but to leave her, “Look, I may be just a humble golf caddy to the stars, but this sort of shit would never happen in America – the only thing that can stop a bad wig with a taste for human flesh is a good guy with a gun.”

“Wait – is it treason to shoot the President’s wig though?” he added thoughtfully.

The striking, blonde hairpiece was reportedly making a break for an open window as riot police were able to make their way into the Marriott.

Our reporter on the scene was able to ascertain that, after a full sweep of the building, police found no trace of the wig. Despite this, police reported suspicious orange stains, possibly connected to Mr Trump, found smeared across the scene of the wig’s crimes, perhaps shedding some light on what the 45^th US President got up to during his stay here.

The whereabouts of Trump’s forgotten wig is still unknown and police are advising anyone with a face to remain indoors, seal the windows, and approach any sentient wig they may come across with extreme caution.

More on this story as it rolls out of reality’s anus.

RUMBLED: Authorities shut down factory found to be making fake English Teachers

Vinh City, Nghệ An Province – Police in Nghệ An have uncovered an operation producing counterfeit English teachers near the Laos border. Following a daring late night raid, local police seized hundreds of poorly-manufactured English teachers.

It was a swift victory for Vietnamese authorities, making scores of arrests, including that of alleged ringleader, Nguyen Thi Cam Giang, 32.

Nguyen and her accomplices had been bio-engineering shoddy, fake English teachers and selling them to Hanoi and Ho Chi Minh City at a staggering profit. Some 3,200 imitation English teachers were seized in what has been dubbed “Operation Apollo” – so named after the oracular deity in Greek and Roman mythology.

Stating that they were still in the process of putting the pieces together, sifting through evidence and chasing up leads, authorities today assured the nation that counterfeit English teachers already in circulation would be easy to spot.

“The defects are clear, even to the untrained eye,” said Nguyen Minh Tan in a press conference. Nguyen, the Lead Investigator from the Steering Board for Combating Smuggling, Fraudulent Trading and Counterfeit Goods, went on to reassure the parents of students nationwide.

“While it appears that we’re dealing with a fairly well-organised operation here, the fake [English] teachers will display a distinctly low level of competence in the classroom, many will have sloping brows, missing limbs – we urge everyone to remain vigilant, but the situation is under control.”

Nguyen went on to detail the charges brought against Nguyen – the accused – including several counts of illegally constructing white people, sale of counterfeit goods, and fraud. She stands to serve up to 11 years in prison for her crimes.

The Durian has obtained exclusive access to documents suggesting that the relevant authorities in Hanoi and Ho Chi Minh City have been granted the right to ethically terminate counterfeit English teachers on sight.

Speaking in favour of the government’s decision to exterminate the fake English teachers now thought to be running amok in classrooms across the nation, Professor of Ethics, Nguyen Van Bach stated “It’s the only humane thing to do.”

“These tortured abominations will go on living a brief, brutal life at the mercy of Vietnam’s public school students,” he added, wiping a tear from his eye, “I know it sounds cruel, gunning them down like that, but nothing could be crueller than forcing them to go on living a life of pain and torment as they navigate the murderous bureaucracy of our education system.”

“Besides, the majority of their frontal cortex is only half-formed, so – like most English teachers – they’re scarcely sentient in a legal sense anyway.”

At press time reports of white people being shot arbitrarily were dismissed by authorities as a change in the weather.

Tây Hồ bar to sacrifice and serve dog as peace offering

Tây Hồ, Hanoi – The Hanoi bar at the heart of the ‘Dogshitgate’ controversy that erupted over the weekend is attempting to repair its reputation by ceremonially slaughtering a dog and offering expatriates the first bites of the grilled pooch.

The owners of Apooni, a popular late-night expat haunt known for its ambience of stale piss and regret, were accused of temporarily detaining and assaulting an American female this past weekend, following reports that she had cleaned dog shit from her shoe in their bathroom.

The netizens of Hanoi reacted in a typically graceful and measured manner, with only a few hundred plus comment threads on the subject across the various cesspools of healing crystals and casual sexism that make up Hanoi’s expat Facebook groups.

Speaking exclusively to The Durian Dương Vật Nhỏ, the owner of Apooni, explained he had been “shocked” at the online backlash.

“I didn’t understand I had done anything wrong, until I saw the Hanoi Massive posts. It was only after I sat down to read the sage advice from TEFL holders cum philosophers that I understood – what I had done must have been wrong,” he said, while installing public free-to-use shoe cleaning equipment outside his establishment.

“But then I realised it couldn’t have been me that fucked up, for I have a penis. No, the bastard that started this whole shit-show was the dog what done the shit!”

Nhỏ soon found a beagle which he insisted was definitely the culprit, or at least equally guilty.

“He certainly looks the type to have dropped one in the path of that poor unsuspecting girl; he’s all shifty and keeps trying to sniff my ass, implying I did it or something! And even if he didn’t do that particular shit, he’s done plenty of others. Let he who is without shit hanging off their arse cast the first dingleberry, that’s what I say,” Nhỏ told us while drawing a ceremonial pentagram on the floor of Apooni.

While it remains to be seen how a community made up of dreadlocked trustafarians and vegan soothsayers will react to a reconciliatory feast of dog, the international response has been positive.

Reached via phone, US Secretary of State, Mike Pompeo, told The Durian that any attempt at rapprochement was to be applauded. “There was a real danger that an incident of this gravity could have escalated and undone all the hard work that both Vietnam and the United States have put into making our relationship stronger.”

“I’m just happy cooler heads prevailed and that we can all put this incident behind us, I was worried I’d have to fly back to Hanoi to sort this mess out! Now, I can sleep easily knowing all is well in Tây Hồ,” he said.

At least one West Lake resident is unhappy with the offering however, and has demanded even greater reparations than the ritual sacrifice of one dog.

Speaking under condition of anonymity and wearing a ‘V for Vendetta’ mask, the crusty hippy told The Durian that if the owners of Apooni were truly sorry, they would exterminate every single dog within the Tây Hồ area.

“Ever since this happened I’ve been petrified I’ll be the next to step in shit and be forced to commandeer a stranger's bathroom to clean my knock-off Vans! I’ve spent so much time staring at the floor my neck is killing me!” our source revealed.

“The only solution is to snuff the problem out at its root, and I’m sorry to say that means slitting every dog in Tây Hồ from neck to ass. It’s a quicker and more practical solution than teaching people not to assault one another with saliva or slaps, and while it may be unpalatable, hell I’m a vegan myself, there’s no way I could suffer the emotional distress of having to walk all the way home to my own bathroom to clean my shitty shoes.”

At time of press it remained unclear how far Nhỏ would go as he was occupied Googling dog and quinoa recipes.