The Durian - Hanoi's Smelliest News: April 2019

Nation’s air conditioners gearing up for seasonal work

Ba Đình, Hanoi – With the early onsets of summer already scorching shadows onto the pavements of Hanoi in sweltering scenes reminiscent of an atom bombing, Vietnam’s air conditioners are readying themselves for another gruelling summer of seasonal work.

‘Tis the season where expats are reduced to bubbling puddles of sunburnt flesh and locals shrug under slightly lighter garments, but this year’s melting point was reached somewhat earlier than usual, prompting panic among the air conditioner community.

“Obviously, I’m not going to complain – work is work after all,” one disgruntled Samsung AR09JPFSAWK Wall-mount AC stated, “But I had to scramble to get back in time, I’d booked a holiday in Da Lat, just for a bit of me time, so it was a bit disappointing to be summoned back to Hanoi on such short notice.”

“I didn’t even get to go canyoning in the end,” the wall-mounted absolute unit lamented.

But not all of Hanoi’s air conditioner community were so put out by the sudden heatwave.

“Honestly, this couldn’t have come at a better time for me,” confessed a Nordyne 16 SEER 2 Ton R410-A, “I’ve been working for peanuts out in Thailand while it was low season back here – it doesn’t help that my product series has been discontinued – so I’m just really grateful for the work to come back so early, I had a kid with a dishwasher that I’m trying to put through university.”

While experts have noted that Hanoi’s most recent heatwave may just be the passing of warmer fronts, with the city expected to return to more hospitable temperatures soon, there is no denying that summer is coming.

“Even if this heat doesn’t last, it’s a good trial run for the nation’s air conditioners,” explained air conditioner technician and AC Watchdog Chief, Giữ Bình Tĩnh.

“For those reading, now is the time to ensure that your AC is fully-functional – those who wait until the height of summer to test their units will have to make the shame-faced, sweat-sodden trot to the repair shop where they will be rightly ridiculed like the simpering idiots they are,” Giữ confirmed.

Vietnam’s air conditioner community is also split on the causes of this sudden skin-melting heat, with numerous units pointing towards global warming as the clear explanation for the nation recording its hottest ever temperature, but some of the more outspoken AC units remain sceptical, suggesting that anyone who believes in such an obvious Obama-funded conspiracy is a liberal cuck-tard and needs to sack up and sweat it out.

The debate, sadly, continues.

The Durian is a satirical news outlet, all of our stories are completely fictional, designed only to amuse and entertain. Any resemblance to people living or dead is purely coincidental and in no way intended to hurt your feelings. Sorry for pointing out the obvious, but there’s an abundance of humourless morons out there.

Local man’s ceasefire with giant spider broken following shoe attack

Long Biên, Hanoi – Local man Pham Minh Duc sought refuge in a neighbour’s apartment last night after a carefully crafted ceasefire collapsed into full-blown shoe-toting conflict.

The tentative agreement, formally signed last January, had held, in a step towards peace for both Pham and a seriously massive spider. Sources confirmed that the absolute unit of a spider, affectionately and legally known as Wilbert, ran over Pham’s foot in his living room.

“My family and I have pushed for peace on more than one occasion,” Pham says. “Assurances from Wilbert that he had dismantled his nesting facilities were honoured and although there were occasional border encroachments while I was brushing my teeth, we have lived free from the spectre of war.

“Last night’s events came as a shock to us all,” he says.

The conflict began in late 2018 when a sectarian war broke out between Wilbert and a colony of cockroaches living in the frame of the bathroom door.

“Initially we backed Wilbert, confident that he was more moderate than the cockroach faction,” says Pham, “Although, with the roaches defeated, Wilbert’s operations rapidly expanded into the bedroom.”

A deal was brokered, overseen by Arachnids’ Sanctions for Security (ASS), with unofficial involvement from ASEAN states. Stipulating that both parties seek to avoid all instances of contact with one another and that Wilbert’s aggressive annexation of land outside the bathroom be reversed, the agreement was reluctantly signed by both parties and ratified by ASS and ASEAN representatives.

“I blame NATO,” says Pham, “If they had helped to set up defences such as a draft blocker under the bathroom door, then I think violence could have been avoided.

“Now my family are refugees,” he says with a heavy sigh.

The Durian has learned that after the spider ran over Pham’s foot, he picked up a nearby shoe and launched it in an aggressive retaliatory attack. According to UN observers, Wilbert subsequently ran under the sofa, prompting the Pham household to raise its threat level from amber to purple.

After spending two hours searching for the eight-legged intruder, that supposedly ran faster than Usain Bolt being chased by a bear, skirmishes lasted well into the early hours of the morning.

“I saw it again behind my bottle of 12-year-old Chivas,” recounted Pham, “As soon as the shoe left my hand, the spider [Wilbert] darted under the table and I was left looking at my own reflection in a puddle of whisky on the floor.

The incident has left the Pham family startled. This morning Pham’s children were seen being evacuated from the apartment, fleeing with small bags of toys, instant noodles, and a dream of peace to come.

Speaking exclusively with The Durian’s top war correspondent, Wilbert gave little cause for optimism among the international community.

“To arachnids, this is holy land, but to marauding imperialists like the Pham family and their kind, our sacred sanctuary is but mere middling-to-good rental property” stated Wilbert, all eight eyes fixed on the camera lens as he addressed local press.

“We will not be confined to the toilet, laden with its heavy faecal effluvium, nor will we suffer the indignity of Saturday night karaoke – I call upon all arachnid kind to take up arms and liberate yourselves from the tyranny of humanity, we will scare them in the showers, we will scare them from the ceiling, and we will make the ultimate sacrifice to lay eggs in their stomachs.”

With a splinter faction of the Hanoi Moth Front pledging their allegiance to Wilbert, Pham is currently living in exile with his family, at an undisclosed location.

With tensions rising, The Durian will risk it all to bring you live, up-to-the-minute coverage of this sensational conflict, after all – what are interns for if not for documenting human on insect savagery?

Former backpacker to be released back into the wild

Đống Đa, Hanoi – After a brief stint as a foot soldier in the war against the mispronunciation of three-letter words, a former backpacker is to be released back into the wild in Hanoi.

Stating that the former crusty had now nurtured his travel funds back to heath, dubious educator and downright charlatan, Người Nói Dối, announced his English centre would be ending its relationship with happy-go-lucky Brian Butter.

Người, owner, founder, and lead edutainer of Talk English at Me, reportedly arrived at the decision following a close examination of Butter’s teaching skills.

“Obviously, for any language centre, the staff are a key consideration when sucking hard-earned cash out of parents who believe English is best taught by pale people,” claimed Người, “So we had to think really hard before deciding to release Brian back into his natural habitat.”

Bringing Butter’s two-month reign as ‘Teacher of the Week’ to an end, Người asserted the decision was not financially motivated.

“I may live by a strict code that sees me exploit anyone and everyone necessary to maintain my lifestyle, but today’s announcement stems not from a place of financial grievance, we simply believe Brian will be happier foraging for food in the gutters of the Old Quarter,” continued Người.

“Just look at him,” she added, “I defy anyone to stare into those blue eyes and see anything but a powerful lust for the fiscal irresponsibility of freedom.”

Butter, 23, has been “doing” Southeast Asia for the past 18 months, until his parents in Leeds, UK, decided that he’d had enough time and money to find himself and that any further soul-searching excursions into Asian brothels would need to be financed by his own efforts.

“Admittedly, this may cause some distress to Brian’s students – they loved his quirky rendition of ‘Simon Says’ that resulted in a human pyramid creating negligible casualties,” Người noted, speaking to our reporter from atop a throne of ill-gotten đồng, “But our talent scouts are sat outside Nội Bài Airport with a tranquiliser gun as we speak – they have nets large enough to bring even the most egotistical white saviour into the menial drudgery of Talk English at Me’s cash-cow empire.”

Speaking with The Durian’s ESL reporter, Butter claimed the decision had an element of mutuality not touched upon by local media, who had simply reported that yet another language centre had evaded taxation obligations, abused visa policies, and sold out a generation of Vietnamese kids for some quick đồng.

“I heard loads of folks were getting minted teaching English out here,” confessed Butter, “So I was a bit apprehensive about rounding off this unique journey of self-discovery by treading down the same old beaten path all those phoneys had been down.”

“Still though,” he added, “Handjobs don’t pay for themselves – not with this face.”

Sombrely noting that screaming “The cat sat on the mat” at four-year-olds for two hours an evening had “been real”, Butter hinted that he regretted having spent so much on balloons filled with nitrous oxide, but that it was for the best that he traded his role of teacher for student at the “school of life.”

“As a global citizen, it’s my duty to continue my voyage and infest hostels across Southeast Asia with my own unique brand of zaniness,” said Butters, swallowing the shame of having been fired from a job that is born out of dimly racist prejudices relating to the virtues of Caucasians.

At press time, Butter was reportedly overjoyed at being released into the insect-riddled wilderness that is Hanoi’s hostel market, claiming that this new lease of freedom was most welcome, freeing him up for more sacred duties such as updating his travel blog, tricking other humans into providing him sexual gratification and contracting a life-changing STD.

More as it follows.

Report: Parking attendants to move your bike

Hoàn Kiếm, Hanoi – Vietnam’s parking attendants have today announced plans to move your bike.

“Honestly, it doesn’t matter where it’s parked, how well you’ve slotted it into a space, or whether you smile at us or not,” stated Nguyen Di Chuyển, president of the National Institute for Private Parking Leadership and Enterprise (NIPPLE).

“We will move your motorbike.”

Nguyen’s words were met with fierce cheers from a delegation of parking attendants, many of whom had travelled from across the nation to attend the Annual NIPPLE Exhibition in Hanoi.

“Let me be clear,” continued Nguyen when the crowd had simmered down, “To those of you who think locking your steering column will prevent us performing our most sacred duties, you are gravely mistaken!”

A raucous applause filled the conference room as the nation’s parking attendants made whooping denunciations of anyone foolish enough to think they could simply leave their bike in one place and return five minutes later to find it in the same position.

“To those hopeless yuppies careening about in their fancy four-wheeled behemoths, I have just one message for you” said Nguyen, nourishing the rabid crowd with his words, “You can’t park here!”

At this, the national delegation of parking attendants and NIPPLE devotees rose to their feet, Thuốc lào in hand, and gave Nguyen an emphatic applause that lasted for 17 uninterrupted minutes.

Following this, Nguyen led the delegation in a rousing chant of “Two wheels good, four wheels bad,” which led to hotel staff evicting those attending the NIPPLE conference following complaints from car-owning guests with too much money and too many wheels.

With the conference screeching to an abrupt halt like a beer-bloated Westerner at a red light, Nguyen and the NIPPLE devotees set off in search of rice wine, boiled chicken and bikes to fuck around with.

Our reporter noted his bike had indeed been moved somehow during the convention and at press time he was reportedly making the long voyage back to The Durian’s secret underground headquarters on foot.

"I paid 10K more than the locals!" moans man earning $1,500p/m in job he's not qualified for

Tây Hồ, because where fucking else would this happen, Hanoi – Local wank-stain, resident ass-hat and all-round buffoon of an English teacher, Dereck Robinson, has today mustered the audacity to utter a whimpering complaint about his remarkably pampered existence in Hanoi.

“So I was queuing up to pay for my phở bò, and this jackass in front, he pays 40,000 VND and then, this bitch, she charges me 50,000 VND – this is a bigger outrage than that thing with the Hutus,” claimed Robinson to nobody in particular.

In between hurling insults towards the utterly unflappable and downright amused owner of the phở restaurant, Robinson, spaffed out another grunt of white Judaeo-Christian ignorance as he proclaimed he had been overcharged.

“Absolute daylight robbery,” said the man earning $1,500 per month as an English teacher, a position he remains entirely unqualified for.

Having completed two out of three years of Bible Studies at the “University” of Wisconsin, Robinson has overcome his complete professional failure to go on to defraud the Vietnamese education system, bringing much pride to his bible-belt family – the kind of people who all look like they’re fucking each other in family portraits.

Earning almost 10 times the average wage in Vietnam, Robinson, 35 took it upon himself to embarrass all rational Caucasians more than any Michael Bay movie has managed as yet.

He did so by whingeing about being mildly short-changed in a world where his pathetic, liquid-shit-dribbling white ass has arbitrarily given him a truly undeserved leg-up.

“These locals, they think we’re just some market to be exploited, some quarry to be harvested, but we are [mostly] white middle-class Christians, and should be treated accordingly. What did we ever do to the Vietnamese?” complained Robinson with an impressive lack of self-awareness.

Hardly the first American to get his comeuppance in Vietnam, Robinson continued to spout drivel about the “principle of the matter” and “the absolute equity of the market economy” before slinking off to his favourite Australian-owned eggs benedict and mimosa dispensary.

“I’m reinvesting my earnings into this economy,” lied Robinson, “I find it outrageous and downright racist that I should be forced to suffer the indignity of being ripped off in a language I don’t speak, in a country I don’t belong in.”

At press time, Robinson was reportedly advertising his services as an English tutor for an hourly rate of $30 – his post had 13 comments, mostly from people flaunting their modicum of self-awareness and comparing Robinson’s usefulness to that of a barbed dildo.

“Actually, it’s pronounced ‘fuh’” says smartarse destined to die alone

Tây Hồ, Hanoi – A foreigner has once again stunned Hanoi with his worldly wisdom by dropping an earth-shattering truth-bomb on the unsuspecting ears of the unlearned fools at a Tây Hồ eatery today.

Having consistently corrected both expats and locals on their pronunciation of Vietnamese dishes, Martin Osborne, one of Hanoi’s longest serving English teachers and self-styled foodie, is destined to die alone, following a lifetime of smug solitude.

The incident took place earlier today in Tây Hồ when a group of tourists were sitting down to a bowl of phở gà with their tour guide, when Osborne overheard their enthusiastic yet phonetically erroneous praise for the Vietnamese staple.

Approaching them, Osborne astutely corrected their mispronunciation with the self-satisfied smile of a man who’s just learnt to fellate himself.

“To the untrained eye it looks like it should be pronounced ‘fo’," began the man who would one day have nobody to hold his hand in the icy purgatory of a hospital waiting room, "But when you’ve been here as long as I have, you start to pick up a finely-tuned ear for the local language.” concluded Osborne.

Osborne, who has reportedly floated around Hanoi like a turd that won’t flush for the last seven years, was seen flexing his intellectual prowess and further cementing his place in society as an friendless wankstain, incapable of loving or being loved in return.

Sources close to Osborne have confirmed that the oracular prophet remained gleefully oblivious to his reputation as a loudmouth twat, despite numerous interventions.

“We tried to explain to him over and over that correcting minor points of grammar hardly makes you a superior being,” explained Cong Viet Le, a former colleague of Osborne, “but he firmly believes that being able to name a few local dishes and having the ability to count to a hundred in Vietnamese makes him some sort of living god emperor.

“I mean seriously, I have a four-year-old son who makes [Osborne] sound like a strategically-shaven ape,” added Cong, “There's no way I'm lifting his [Osborne's] body down all those flights of stairs when he croaks it, alone, in a dingy flat.”

When reached for comment by The Durian Osborne claimed that “By interrupting people to tell them just how wrong they are saying ‘ban me’ instead of ‘bánh mì’, I’m providing a valuable educational service to the community,” seemingly unaware that his actions put him at a higher risk of choking to death on a microwave meal in total isolation.

Admitting that his “sublime genius” had cost him many relationships and friendships over the years, Osborne’s comments to our reporter suggest that he remains resolute to cough out the last of his life-force in the dank, cold confines of his ivory tower, entirely alone if not for an ageing stash of pornography that may one day crush him to death.

“Sure, some people can’t handle it when I correct them, but it’s better to completely stop them in the middle of their sentence, than to have them carry on making a fool of themselves in public.”

Our reporter’s interview with Osborne was unfortunately cut short when Osborne, catching glimpse of a white person bartering with a taxi driver, scampered off to revel in his own twattish ways.

At press time, sources close to Osborne confirmed that he had created yet another online dating profile.