The Durian - Hanoi's Smelliest News: May 2019

Law-abiding motorist single greatest hazard on road

Long Biên, Hanoi – Blissfully ignorant of the carnage caused around her, local woman Nguyen Quét Sạch today became the single largest threat to other motorists by fully abiding by Vietnamese traffic laws.

“It was absolutely terrifying,” recounted one motorist lucky to be alive, “She was just indicating left, and then she went and actually turned left,” said Tran Truyện Chưởng, claiming he saw his life flash before his eyes.

“I had to swerve to avoid her, she was a total menace, turning left from the left-hand lane while I was trying to veer across four lanes to turn right,” he added, “People like that need a crash or two to knock some sense into them.”

With mounting frustration over Nguyen’s reluctance to run red lights, other motorists reported multiple thumb injuries in their over-enthusiastic employment of their horns, with one even going so far as to dismount and physically start pushing Nguyen’s Yamaha Nouvo over the white line while waiting at a red light.

“She may not know it,” started Lê Thông Đít, a renowned reckless driver and trẻ trâu prick, “But for the rest of us here on the roads today, she represents everything we fear, everything that we have come to hate atop these tarmac frontiers – she is become death.”

Multiple sources reported seeing the Vietnamese mother-of-two pull over to a safe side of the road to take a phone call, which in itself created a spectacle as countless motorists lost control of their vehicles in confusion.

While Nguyen had inspired emotions ranging from fear to fury, she remained utterly oblivious to the swirling maelstrom that surrounded her in the mechanical hornet’s nest of Hanoi’s roadways.

“Honestly, I just assumed that the weather had changed and that’s why so many people were angry today,” said a decidedly innocent sounding Nguyen, “I got fined once, for speeding, which was strange because I was parked and nowhere near my bike, but since then I’ve been petrified of traffic law enforcement to the point where I drive like a sane human being.”

Less than affectionately referred to as ‘Pikachu’ the beige-clad traffic cops of Hanoi have for the most part taken a more vested interest in completing Candy Crush than doing much else in Vietnam’s capital.

Nevertheless, in a bid to retain their meagre salary, the majority of Pikachus on duty have made a habit of ensuring that anyone abiding by the law of the land is swiftly reminded that rules were meant to be broken.

“We’re here to ensure that drivers can operate safely on the roads of this glorious city,” claimed one officer who wished to remain anonymous, “That’s why we strike down those who present a threat to others swiftly and fairly – it just so happens that those threats are usually the minority of people following traffic laws.”

At press time Nguyen was being treated for injuries received following a vicious attack from a fellow motorist with no concept of personal space.

Hanoi unveils new “traffic-proof” ambulances

Đống Đa, Hanoi – Hanoi paramedics proudly unveiled their latest life-saving innovation today at a press conference outside Đừng Chết Hospital, where medical staff applauded the introduction of the new “traffic-proof” ambulance.

Weighing in at 4.5 tonnes and standing well over 22 feet tall, the new vehicle – dubbed the Whambulance – has been operating in the nation’s capital on a trial basis for the past week, with paramedics saying they finally have a way to save lives in rush hour.

“Honestly, I nearly quit the profession,” confessed a teary-eyed Binh Sống Sót, “I’ve been a paramedic for the last eight years, I’ve always wanted to save lives, but the ignorance displayed by Hanoi’s motorists almost killed my dream, in the same way it kills many people with minor injuries.”

Beaming up at the vehicular menace of the Whambulance, Binh added, “But now – now we have hope.”

With an average of 22 road deaths every day, Vietnam’s paramedic services have struggled to meet the rising demand for medical attention, in part due to the sublime selfishness of the city’s motorists.

Head of Đừng Chết’s emergency room, Dr. Nhanh Tay has heralded the Whambulance as a forward-thinking solution to the problem of congestion.

“In an ideal world, ambulances would be given right of way, operate in separate lanes, or perhaps fly to those in need of assistance, but given that such a fantasy is absurd beyond belief, I see the Whambulance’s capacity for crushing and maiming all in its path as the innovation we needed.

“Of course, there will be those who will, in turn, be in need of medical attention once struck by one of the half-tonne tires, but this is part of our holistic educational approach – next time, they’ll know to move the fuck out of the way and let our medics do their jobs. It’s the circle of life. Or, rather, death.”

Despite Dr. Nhanh’s optimism, various members of the public have taken to social media to vent their frustration at the introduction of the Whambulance to Hanoi’s roads.

“This is total fucking bullshit,” wrote one Facebook user, “If this thing so much as scratches my car, I will throw each and every one of my toys out of the pram and sue the shit out of those do-gooders – my BMW is worth more the lives of 10,000 street cleaners.”

Not all of the remarks were negative however, with other users voicing scepticism mingled with hope.

“Well, this isn’t the solution we need, but given how some people drive, I guess it’s the solution we deserve.”

With the prototype Whambulance expected to more than double its time on the road in the coming month, engineers are exploring the practical and legal ramifications of adding a flamethrower or “some sort of giant fucking claw, like a metal crab of death.”

Stay tuned for more updates as the Whambulance’s rampage continues.

UN peacekeepers to be deployed to Vietnam’s Facebook groups

Tây Hồ, Hanoi – Following years of entirely justified rage and unrest online, a coalition of group admins has requested the assistance of UN peacekeepers to subdue the populace of Vietnam’s Facebook groups.

While the verbal sparring, rampant trolling, and general fuckwittery appears to be localised predominantly within expat-dominated Facebook groups, UN Secretary-General António Guterres has reportedly pledged to dispatch a comprehensive international peacekeeping force by the end of the month.

A spokesperson for the Secretary-General said that after international observers were granted access to groups such as Hanoi Large, Vietnam is Amazing and Another Part of Vietnam, the blind, ugly scenes they witnessed drove some of them into teeth gnashing, hair pulling, frothing lunacy.

“These men and women had seen some of the worst of humanity, they’d witnessed genocide in Yugoslavia, sectarian bombings in Northern Ireland, hell some were there for the aftermath of Jonestown! But the sheer levels of vicious idiocy and depravity in these groups sent them over the edge,” the spokesperson lamented during a briefing to reporters earlier this morning.

“Standing idly by while circular arguments on the merits of different anal bleaching techniques continue to suck the next generation of telemarketers into a vortex of balderdash and poppycock simply wasn’t an option. That’s not what the UN stands for.”

Citing Chapter VII of the UN Charter, the Secretary-General’s office stated that peacekeepers would be authorised to use retaliatory force if necessary, although today’s briefing failed to clarify if said force would include the use of memes and GIFs, or simply poorly-spelled racist epithets.

Conflict online is nothing new for the expats of Vietnam, with numerous prominent/pompous figures of this relatively small community seeking to create the online equivalent of a gas explosion at a waste treatment facility.

Despite the resolution passing the UN Security Council unanimously, international relations experts and academics alike have been divided by the Secretary-General’s decision to intervene.

“Yes, the verbal violence has been atrocious and the grammar, just shocking, but really, I feel the UN has overreached itself – the [Facebook] groups are too volatile, this will be another Sarajevo, make no mistake about it,” claimed Dr. Constantinou-Stygal.

More hawkish members of the international community expressed their chagrin, claiming the resolution didn’t go far enough, with revered theorist Noam Chomsky the most vocal among them.

Taking to Twitter to vent his frustrations to his 117,000 followers, the legendary academic scolded the UN for what he decried as “weak-ass pussy shit.”

Our reporter on the ground was able to assess the response within the expat community here in Hanoi.

“I never use those groups,” claimed one ESL teacher who wished to remain anonymous, “I’ve been here for years and shit gets toxic on Facebook – I only ever really check in for a bit of drama here and there, like that girl with the dog shit on her shoe? Fucking priceless.”

Other expats heralded the Secretary-General’s decision as a chance for change.

“Just once, I’d like to be able to ask an innocent, sincere question without being told to go back to my own country if I don’t like it here,” said John Johnson, “Like, I do like it here – I just want to know where I can find a reliable mechanic, fuck me.”

At press time some bollocks was invariably kicking off about a perceived furore that will presumably be of deep importance to some people before fading from collective memory in a day or two, the way that a warm fart diffuses into the air.

The Durian is a satirical news outlet, all of our stories are completely fictional, designed only to amuse and entertain. Any resemblance to people living or dead is purely coincidental and in no way intended to hurt your feelings. Sorry for pointing out the obvious, but there’s an abundance of humourless morons out there.

Instagram influencer saddened that plight of ethnic minorities already photographed

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Loaf of bread awarded just VND200,000 after being groped in supermarket

Thanh Xuân, Hanoi – Vietnam’s netizens were outraged today after a victim of sexual assault was awarded a meagre VND200,000 by a judge.

The victim, a loaf of bread, was inappropriately touched by several perpetrators in a supermarket, who continued to grope their prey despite being pictured by alarmed bystanders too shocked to intervene.

In a land where the #MeToo movement failed to protect bread in ways it has elsewhere, baguette-based violence has long been commonplace, with many taking to social media to question the hygiene of the gropers.

Online outrage was sparked when a customer in a branch of Large D supermarket posted photos to the popular Facebook group Vietnam is Amazing. The photos showed one woman putting her hands all over a loaf of bread while flanked by two female associates.

“It’s pretty fucking gross,” wrote one user, “I mean, all I can do is hope that they’d thoroughly washed their hands after their last bowel movement.”

Another user expressed mounting fear over the safety of bread, “I’m scared for my family, how will we know which loaves have been groped? If it can happen here, it can happen anywhere. I think banh mi is off the menu for now.”

A spokesperson for bread protection group Hands Off My Dough explained to The Durian that Vietnam lacks a strong legal framework to deter any future fondling of focaccia.

“Unlike rape, sexual assault against adults or bread is not legally considered a criminal offence in Vietnam, instead falling under the category of ‘Indecent speech or behaviour,’” she said. The highest fine for this crime remains a paltry VND300,000.

Data collected by NGOs suggests that some 87% of bread loaves have experienced harassment or assault in some form or another, although due to widespread cultural taboos, the offences often go unreported.

The World Health Organisation published findings on bread-based violence that saw 34% of loaves surveyed claim they were regularly groped by customers.

Many loaves of bread have failed to report these incidents on account of being inanimate objects, but the distinct similarities between these statistics and figures on sexual harassment or assault against women are probably just coincidental.

The VND200,000 fine the perpetrator was today ordered to pay by a judge has been dubbed “a mockery and humiliation against the dignity of all gluten-heavy products.”

Hands Off My Dough released an official statement through social media to announce a new campaign calling for change.

“It’s outrageous that we live in a society where a loaf of bread is awarded the same compensation as a woman – both are victims of hideous, grotesque behaviour, but one is a human being, whereas the other is clearly a loaf of bread.”

The campaign aiming to alter the perception of sexual assault is gaining momentum, but for victims such as this loaf of bread, justice appears to have short arms, deep pockets and wandering hands.

Man's intestinal tapeworm disappointed by man’s unadventurous diet

Hai Bà Trưng, Hanoi – Voicing concerns that his host, Terrence Mawson, was leading them both down a miserably familiar path regarding culinary delights, Mawson’s intestinal tapeworm, known as Nick, was today distressed by the lack of variety in his diet.

“It’s like this guy moved to Vietnam, for what? To stuff his fat stupid face with more pizza and lasagne? Yeah, so out there, Italian food – Christ!” Exclaimed a visibly outraged tapeworm, “Seriously, this place is like street food heaven – CNN Travel wank themselves into a coma about Vietnamese street food and this fucking asshole,” he continued, motioning towards the bloated chest cavity of his host, “He’s afraid his fat ass is gonna crush the plastic stools? I’m being forced to live off late night takeaways and frankly, I’m sick of it.”

Mawson’s lack of adventure regarding the local cuisine has in part been attributed to his complete failure to adapt culturally, but Nick regards this failure as predominantly as issue of confidence.

“Sure, when he speaks Vietnamese he basically wipes his arse across a centuries old language, but so few foreigners can speak the language well, it shouldn’t stop him from being able to wing it on a restaurants build on a roadside,” the tapeworm added, “Just please make the Bolognese stop, please.”

Having co-existed peacefully for several months since Mawson inadvertently consumed some undercooked pork belly at a Bia Hoi with colleagues, the tapeworm who calls himself Nick is just now witnessing the extent of Western decline through the dietary habits of his symbiotic relationship with Mawson.

“Seriously, if this fucking asshole takes me to one more build-your-own-burger shithole, I’m crawling out of his ass, I’d rather die than suffer another mayonnaise-sodden hunk of beef,” decried Nick.

Vietnam has recently seen an epidemic of foodie bloggers descend upon its shores the way that vultures hover over carrion. Even though many of these stomach-tourists have been known to clog up YouTube with their insipidly condescending approach and frustratingly cheery attitude, Nick still sees them as more desirable residence than his current bowel abode.

“I can take the vaguely self-serving sense of superiority,” he explained, “Just please, let them have a little sense of adventure when it comes to street food here – there are so many joys, so many wonders, and I’m forced to endure the humiliation of a yet another happy meal? Fuck me dead.”

Stating that, while concerned about a moving to the intestines of a foodie, he would gladly run the risk of living inside someone who is even dimly aware of deworming tablets if it meant getting to nibble on that brave new world that exists beyond Mawson’s stomach.

Intestinal tapeworm Nick ended the interview by announcing plans to “go where no tapeworm had gone before” as he detailed his forthcoming escape from Mawson’s anus and longstanding ambition to slither up the buttocks of an unsuspecting, albeit more worldly, traveller.

“Just call me Butt Aldrin – one small step for worm, one giant lunch for worm-kind,” stated Nick in eager anticipation, “I need something for my Instagram, how am I ever gonna be a foodie blogger in this guy's guts?”

More on this story as it passes through the city’s sewage system.

Black teacher seriously considering whiting up for job interview

Cầu Giấy, Hanoi – Growing ever more concerned that his BA in Linguistics, MA in Pedagogy, and PGCE teaching qualification may not give him the edge it should in Hanoi, black English teacher, Connor King, was reportedly weighing up the possibility of whiting up for his next job interview.

“It’s tough out here,” admitted King, who, having previously taught in prestigious schools across the UK, has struggled to make ends meet in Hanoi, “I see some very talented teachers here, but also these ukulele-toting backpackers waltzing into $25-an-hour jobs, turning up high for demo classes, and wearing their incompetence like a badge of honour – I think I’ve managed to determine the root cause of success though.”

Having left the UK, King had hoped that his proven dedication to the concept of education would be what employers judged him on, rather than the colour of his skin. This comes amid repeated calls from parents for ever-whiter teachers in the classrooms.

“Just out of morbid curiosity, I sat down and did the math,” he added, “At this juncture, I could have invested the money I spent on my education to have undergone pigmentation surgery, being white would’ve inexplicably paid for itself in just a few months of teaching here.”

With untold hordes of crusty, dreadlocked, pasty foreigners descending on Hanoi to suckle at the diseased teet of the ESL cash cow, black teachers like King face fierce competition from people who’d struggle to find work plucking chickens in their hometowns.

Noted ESL kingpin and Caucasian teacher John Johnson stated that discrimination towards native speakers of colour was overblown.

“It’s supply and demand, simple as that,” claimed Johnson, the human equivalent of the smeg that develops under foreskins, “I think they [people of colour] should just be thankful that police here aren’t shooting them,” unlike the US where 31% of victims killed by police are black, despite them making up just 13% of the population, “People may say that I’m complicit in maintaining an obviously racist status quo by failing to speak out against the issue, but people forget – I’m a white, middle-class male – I’m a living god in Vietnam.”

Discourse on the racially discriminatory policies of language centres in Hanoi has been carried out as intelligently as ever across various Hanoian Facebook groups, but for King and other teachers of colour, it’s simply not enough.

“Honestly, at this point I’ve got a big bag of chalk that I’m just going to douse myself in when it comes to my next interview,” he explained, “If you think the sun never sets on the British empire then the sun will never set on how far you can fuck off.”

Many white English teachers in Vietnam take no issue with being fleshy decorations in classrooms around the country, while teachers of colour are routinely rejected on account of parents’ predilection for paler educators.

Speaking on behalf of that sizeable group was former South African farmer Armand Smithson, 24, who fled his country to blunder his way through the Vietnamese capital’s education system.

“It’s paradise here,” he explained gleefully, “Things are just as they should be, with me being paid an inordinate amount for something I’m totally unqualified to do, while qualified people of colour are overlooked, I can’t see myself leaving, ever.”

At press time, Smithson was still unable to spell inordinate.

British ambassador assures angry crowd L’s Place will stock HP sauce after Brexit

Tây Hồ, Hanoi – “Are you going to let me speak or not you pasty savages?”

These were the words of exasperated British Ambassador Garfield Chambers as he addressed a rabid crowd of British expats from the steps of popular fried food dispensary House37 in Tây Hồ earlier today.

Masked, black-clad embassy security staff were present to keep the restless horde in check. With the crowd finally quieting down a little, Ambassador Chambers was seen holding aloft a sheaf of paper bound with treasury tags.

“I’ve spent all morning in discussions with my counterparts from the EU and I am now in a position to guarantee that L’s place will still stock HP sauce after Brexit,” the ambassador continued, “I repeat, there will be no HP shortage.”

Today’s impromptu press conference came after an orgy of decidedly middle-class rioting had left the district of Tây Hồ shocked, with shrubberies disturbed and table settings molested.

Despite Ambassador Chambers guaranteeing the safe passage of the thick, brown breakfast condiment to Hanoi, an assorted community of Brits abroad remained characteristically sceptical.

An unknown protester sporting socks with sandals and a ‘Keep Calm and Carry On’ t-shirt was among the vocal elements in the crowd.

“What about proper mustard?”

In response, Chambers made vague gestures of placation towards the crowd.

“Talks over mustard have reached a deadlock. The French and the Germans are arguing that their mustard is just as proper, and that there is no problem.”

“Kellogg’s cornflakes!” another voice shouted. Suddenly the air was thick with product queries. “Heinz baked beans!”

The ambassador could be seen casting nervous glances at an aide, who merely shrugged with total indifference to the crippling condiment catastrophe.

“After a thorough investigation by the ministry of breakfasts,” he began tentatively, “it has been found that neither Kellogg’s nor Heinz are actually British and...”

Before he could continue, his voice was lost under a barrage of shoes, bum-bags, and stray animals that the crowd hurled in the direction of the ambassador. Unable to regain control, both Chambers and his aide were bundled into the nearest Grab helicopter and released onto the roof of the British Embassy, where – at press time – they are believed to be hiding.

These ugly scenes have been commonplace over the past six months. With uncertainty over mass-produced British foodstuffs which do not spoil in transit growing, so too has the crowd’s appetite for destruction.

Police immediately set about dispersing the crowd back to their respective language centres, but not before our intrepid reporter on the scene was able to squeeze some coherent sentences out of the crowd, a minor miracle before 1pm in an expat enclave.

Speaking to The Durian on the condition of anonymity, the owner of the ‘Keep Calm’ t-shirt explained his unbridled frustration.

“Brexit means breakfast, I get that part,” he began, “but how are we supposed to take back control if these clowns in charge can’t even guarantee my basic right to smother a greasy fry-up in the viscous, congealed joy of HP sauce?

“It’s a joke – the one thing I hate more than foreigners coming into the UK to exploit the system is unelected bureaucrats from Brussels stealing the food off my plate,” he added without a hint of irony.

Seeking refuge from the very British calamity, associates of the angry ‘Keep Calm’ t-shirted individual had different grievances.

“He’s dicking around again,” stated Pierre Bernard, bespectacled Frenchman and long-time Tây Hồ resident.

“Whenever we go out drinking here, there’s an agreement that we should share the tab at the end of the night. It was going fine until he got really drunk the other night and said he would only pay for himself, and that he’s not going to drink here anymore.”

“But he hasn’t left,” added Fritz Muller. “He just stares into his wallet for a few moments and then sits there.”

More on this story as it develops, which it surely will because Brexit will drag on even after the sun swallows the earth.

Nation well-rested after long weekend queuing

Ba Đình, Hanoi – Following a weekend away from the usual rat-race of their everyday lives, citizens of Vietnam are reportedly feeling well-rested, replenished, and rejuvenated having spent the past five days queuing in unfamiliar places.

Few national holidays offer up such bountiful opportunities for queuing as the five-day combination of Reunification Day and International Labour Day, with many holidaymakers stating they even found the time to sweat, not swim at the beach, and spend hours on trains and sleeper buses.

For local man, Nguyen Mồ Hôi, five days free from the shackles of gainful employment gave him time to take his family to queues they’d always wanted to see in Phong Nha-Ke Bang National Park.

“Obviously, it’s every parent’s dream to be able to provide their children with the queues that I never had growing up,” explained Nguyen.

“So having the chance to see the queues in Phong Nha for myself was great, but I’m so pleased that my children were able to spend 12 sweat-sodden hours learning how queuing doesn’t work in another part of the country – it was everything I’d ever hoped it would be.”

Despite the heatwaves lapping against the shores of Vietnam’s sanity, few were deterred from getting their elbows out to enjoy queues across the nation.

“It doesn’t really feel like a long weekend if I’m not embroiled in a screaming match with other passengers who try to steal my seat,” laughed local woman, Hien Chó Cái, who recently returned from Đà Nẵng feeling fresh “But when that old man passed out from heat exhaustion allowing me to put my feet up, that was what really made this year’s long weekend unforgettable.”

The snaking lines of human intolerance that consumed the nation this weekend baffled more than a few backpackers.

“I thought Vietnam was this tiny city in Asia where you can, like, do whatever and shoot cows with bazookas,” claimed a visibly perplexed Todd Manning, “So when we were told it’s like Vietnamese Christmas or something this weekend and we couldn’t even get a bus, it was like WTF, you know?”

The 19-year-old Brit landed in Hanoi last Friday, where he and his foetal companions tripped over their own umbilical cords as they were barged, bustled, and caught up in the slipstream of queues forming eagerly across the capital city in anticipation.

“So, like, Vietnamese people stole all the buses for the whole weekend – they stole from my holiday, they stole from my dream!” ventured a simpering, baby-faced, gap-year guff-wagon Manning, “I wish I could review the whole country on TripAdvisor, all I’ve eaten is elbows this whole time we’ve been here.”

With such a lengthy pause from the otherwise interminable meat-grinder existence enjoyed by much of the nation, experts have questioned whether the remaining two days of the week will be enough time to sweat out the alcohol consumed over the holiday.

While the holidays might be over for most, the strain on public transport this past weekend has been palpable. The Durian is following up on local media coverage of an ugly situation brewing on Cát Bà Island where stranded tourists, both domestic and foreign, have reportedly turned savagely tribal, turning the island into a bleak parody of Lord of the Flies.

For those not pumping rice wine out of their pores, fashioning makeshift weaponry on Cát Bà, or being coerced into teaching English on a packed train, all of us at The Durian sincerely hope that you and your loved ones enjoyed a beautiful break queuing, pushing, elbowing, and bickering in the true spirit of the holidays.