Roadside photoshoot causes 18-car pile-up on Kim Mã

Ba Đình, Hanoi – A bronzed, muscular Adonis of a man has caused an 18-car pile-up on Kim Mã today after posing for an especially revealing roadside photoshoot.

Motorists couldn't keep their eyes off the handsome hunk, whose distracting physique led to the deaths of 13 people with four more in hospital. Authorities expect that number to rise on account of the mostly nude macho man’s abs.

In a clear departure from the traditional Vietnamese roadside photoshoot, the Italian stallion – later identified as Antoine Vecchio Sfigato – had chosen to bare all in a compromising photoshoot that saw his Androstenedione-enhanced muscles flexing under the spring sunlight and several motorists lose control of their vehicles.

The abrasively handsome European had allegedly hired a Vietnamese photographer to enhance his Lay a Tây profile, but ended up being the stated cause of mindless vehicular mayhem.

Said photographer, who has since deleted her Instagram account, suggested Sfigato follow the Vietnamese tradition of dressing up in traditional garbs and standing by a roadside looking coy, innocent, and vaguely bewildered.

A steroid addict of close to half a decade, Sfigato refused to even try on the traditional Vietnamese Áo dài, instead hoping to trick another human into mating with him on account of his elephant testicle sized biceps, which adorn his online presence.

“My heart goes out to those who lost loved ones in the wake of today’s photoshoot, but sun’s out, guns out bro. They told me I could be anything I wanted to,” explained Sfigato via Instagram, “So I became a balloon animal.”

His cryptic post was accompanied by picture of him wearing a seatbelt in a Vietnamese taxi and a range of incoherent hashtags that neither Howard Carter nor Lord Carnarvon could’ve been expected to decipher that may or may not have referred to road safety.

Local police were swift to comment on the incident that has seen one of Ba Đình’s arterial roads closed off for much of the day.

“Obviously, we encourage everyone to playfully pose with bouquets of flowers under the flattering gaze of a camera on Kim Mã, but today Mr Sfigato went too far with his well-groomed, handsomely chiselled display of indecency, and while – clearly – he’s too attractive and European for us to press charges, people have died.”

“Starting from next month, we will be enforcing a code of conservatism to all photoshoots occurring along Kim Mã,” read an official police statement to local media, “Anyone deemed overly attractive and therefore distracting to drivers will be shot on sight – no exceptions – it’s the only humane response to today’s tragedy.”

The new law, expected to be implemented in the following week or so, will permit the photography of only ugly, physically repellent people along Kim Mã from the hours of 8am to 7pm – allowing drivers to focus on more important issues such as tailgating, undertaking, and developing an elaborate language using only horn honking.

At press time, Sfigato was reportedly planning to hold an orgy on Long Biên bridge as a charity fundraising event for the families of those who perished on Kim Mã today.

“It’s 100% ethical,” he told The Durian’s sex and death correspondent, “Maybe even 110% ethical, I don’t know for I am no mathematician, I am just absurdly attractive and so, for the wellbeing of those affected by today’s tragedy, I shall plunge my considerable genitalia into the willing orifices of those who wish to make a difference, simply put, I fuck for peace.”

MSG “fucking awesome” new study finds

Hai Bà Trưng, Hanoi – Adding Monosodium Glutamate, better known as MSG, to your meals could increase the risk of demolishing the fuck out of your food by up to 87 percent, new research suggests.

Two studies published today in the Vietnamese Journal of How That Shit Taste Bruh? have highlighted an intrinsic link between the addition of MSG and the fuckability of the resulting meal.

Citing data gathered over a decade-long study into the controversial flavour enhancer, lead researcher Điền Vào Tôi today announced that MSG is not only “completely safe,” but also has the potential to “make some raggedy-ass shit taste like God’s jizz, trust bro - you'll inhale the whole plate.”

The findings come as little surprise to those within the foodie community, who’ve sworn by the mind-blowing, ball-tingling otherworldly goodness of MSG for years, but today’s breakthrough clearly cements the place of MSG in everyone’s meal.

“Naturally, it was a gruelling study, carried out over the course of 10 years, involving some 300,000 participants and more than four metric tonnes of MSG,” explained Điền.

“Compounding the issue was the lack of reliable data on awesomeness in relation to taste and ingredients, so we essentially had to start from scratch to determine the correlation between sublime fucking deliciousness and the amount of MSG included in the meal.

“We found that while certain dishes could induce a holy-fucking-shit-that’s-incredible response without the addition of MSG, we managed to establish that in 87 percent of cases MSG really turned what was a poor excuse for a meal into something you could really get your slobbering gob around,” he added.

To ensure the validity and fairness of the study, Điền and his team fed participants the same meal with varying doses of MSG in a controlled environment.

“So we started at the ground level – that is to say, with no MSG – and then gradually increased the amount of MSG for each subsequent feeding session, until finally our participants were served a bowl of pure MSG, although sadly, we concluded that no meal can consist purely of MSG as the vast majority who reached that stage of the experiment had to be put down," sighed a visibly dejected Điền.  "Honestly, it was tragic, they became feral, unruly, and quite frankly no different from slavering beasts, which left us with little choice but to have them humanely executed for the sake of the study - we lost of a lot of good interns that day.”

Speaking with The Durian via a secure line from his science grotto, Điền stated he was anxious to secure funding for further studies into MSG, with a hope for military application to be found somewhere in his research.

While the future for Điền remains uncertain, there’s no denying the pride he feels having submitted his research to the Ministry of Health.

“It’s finally time to put the MSG debate to bed,” he said, beaming with pride, “At last we have irrefutable proof that, on a scale of volume to sheer fucking tastiness, MSG is in no way detrimental to any meal you’re cooking, whether that be a traditional bowl of phở or a particularly large rat you’ve pulled out of the gutter.”

More on this story as it makes its way through the digestive tracts of the news.

American tourist overestimates ability to do Asian squat

Hoàn Kiếm, Hanoi – American tourist, Dirk Bellow, has today grossly overestimated his ability at participating in the coveted Asian squat in Hanoi’s notorious Old Quarter.

Bellow, 32, was reportedly attempting to blend in while enjoying a Bia Hoi when the 400lbs tourist lost control and startled local wildlife by emitting a loud, wet fart. 

Onlookers described the look of terror that swiftly overtook Bellow’s jowly face as the realisation of what had just transpired began to sink in.

Far from being the first American to drop unwanted bombs in Hanoi, Bellow, shocked and appalled by his own total lack of sphincter control, immediately excused himself and was seen waddling through the Old Quarter while fumbling with his phone to find his hostel.

“There was this ear-rattling ripping sound,” said Bia Hoi owner, known only as Madame Rượu, “At first I assumed a sewage pipe had burst, they’re doing some construction further up the road, but when he [Bellow] rose to his feet with that ‘Oh Fuck’ look on his face, it clicked – he’d shat himself mid-squat.”

The Asian squat has been a source of misery for lanky foreigners visiting Hanoi for decades, with few possessing the centre of gravity and cultural awareness to pull it off convincingly.

Although the term Asian squat has been hotly disputed by Slavs, who have also proven themselves capable of sitting flat-footed with their arses hovering mere inches from the ground for no good reason whatsoever, it has become a matter of national pride here in Hanoi.

It is believed that Bellow’s ill-fated attempt at the cultural legacy of squatting was encouraged by some beer-giddy locals, none of whom had expected him to leave such a literal skid-mark on their preferred means of sitting.

Racing through the streets to catch up to a visibly shaken and shit-sodden Bellow, our reporter was able to ascertain the level shame felt by the visiting American were “indescribable.”

Waddling forth with a thousand-yard-stare and visible staining, the young American admitted that beige cargo shorts were a poor choice for his squatting exploits.

“It’s ok, it’s ok,” he was heard telling himself, “Plenty of Americans have shit themselves in Vietnam, just think about John McCain, everyone loved him, it’s going to be ok,” continued the traumatised tourist as he attempted to balance the raw faecal matter that hung heavy in his underwear.

Stay tuned for more shit reporting, only from The Durian.

ESL teachers deported as Vietnam joins SE Asian nations sending trash back to West

Ba Đình, Hanoi – Vietnam has today joined neighbouring Southeast Asian nations in sending millions upon millions of tonnes of organic trash back to the West as Hanoi authorities ordered the deportation of numerous ESL teachers.

As one of the Southeast Asian nations that has been the recipient of hordes of trash English teachers, Vietnam has today decreed that it will be sending said human garbage back to the darkness from whence it came.

Countries like the UK, the US, Canada and Australia have been dumping unwanted cretins in Southeast Asia by the tonne for over a decade now, but with the academic year finally over, Vietnamese authorities are taking out the trash.

Citing the relative ease of finding high-paying work in countries such as Vietnam that offer lower costs of living than their home countries, trash teachers have flooded the Southeast Asian education market in their thousands in search of a better life and, if possible, an exotic STD.

“We can no longer afford to play host to such parasites,” stated Nguyen Lửa Rác addressing reporters in a press conference outside the Ministry of Wastemen this morning.

“No more will the West exploit our children’s future for cheap beer and colossal savings,” claimed Nguyen, a senior policy analyst for the think-tank West-Waste, “Like China, the Philippines, Malaysia and many other of our great neighbouring countries, we must take a stand and send this trash straight back where it came from – it does not belong here.”

The fiery rhetoric flared up following a totally unverified study that we’re going to publish right here that claimed less than 14% of Vietnam’s foreign English teachers would be qualified for a similar role in their home countries.

Reactions from within the international community has been mixed, with the UK offering to take back up to 60% of its human refuse in exchange for a potential trade deal should Brexit ever come to pass. Australia meanwhile has quite typically threatened to shoot down any boats bringing Australian ESL teachers home.

Unqualified TEFL teacher and laughing gas connoisseur Chad Hodgekins spoke with The Durian via a phone he’d borrowed, claiming he never buys data for his own phone, to express his fear and outrage at his depiction as trash.

“There is absolutely no truth to these claims,” he stammered, afraid to admit his location for fear of being deported, “What I lack in qualifications, experience, and professionalism, I more than make up for in whiteness and a totally baller attitude,” he claimed.

“Could I live like this back home? Obviously not, the USA and Vietnam aren’t comparable in that respect, just look at my Tinder game bro! Shit’s unreal – back home, I’d be lucky if my cousin looked at me the way women here do.”

While Hodgekins later admitted that he and his cousin had been intimate, he went on to explain that it was for precisely this reason he didn’t want to face deportation.

“Man, nobody’s trying to extradite me for missed child support payments here, if I go back social services will bankrupt me, now you tell me – who’s the real trash here?” he asked apparently rhetorically.

With an overwhelming majority of language centres across the nation reliant on a docile, intellectually-stunted workforce of semi-legal migrants from the West, it remains unclear how these businesses will continue to rip off Vietnamese parents eager for a white fleshy object in the classroom.

At press time officials from West-Waste were blaming delays to the mounting trash teacher crisis on sharks in the classroom.

Freelance satire writer disappointed to learn exposure doesn't pay rent

Tây Hồ, Hanoi – The lack of smelly news from The Durian of late has left Hanoi’s expats confused and saddened by the lack of pure unadulterated guff to read during their daily hangover shits, but today The Durian can exclusively reveal the ugly truth.

Our reporter managed to track down one of the free satire newspaper’s original creators on the streets of Tây Hồ, where he now sleeps.

While gulping down one cà phê sữa đá after another on the pavement, typing frantically on a Soviet era laptop, a balding man with a raggedy beard and a washed out Apax polo shirt gave our reporter a glimpse into the dark realities of the fake news industry.

“They fucking don’t pay me man! I can’t keep going any longer, I’ve jacked it in,” lamented Rex Durant, "I tried to pay my rent in exposure and now the rats of Hanoi have stolen my shoes."

“They promised me untold riches, nubile women at my beck and call and enough cocaine to revive Tutankhamun, so I quit my $50 an hour job teaching English to squirrels. But all I got was a bag of prawn crackers, one measly handjob and a serious caffeine addiction,” Durant moaned.

“We really worry about him” said Huyền Nguyễn, the waitress at Durant’s café of choice.

“He comes here every day and tries to hit on me by telling me he’s Hanoi’s top satirist and that The Guardian want to hire him. But I’m no fucking idiot, even The Guardian wouldn’t hire someone who smells like him,” she said.

In between frantic drags on Thang Long cigarettes, Durant blasted The Durian’s obvious lack of regard for the human wellbeing of its writers, or as he claimed they are referred to in the publication’s weighty training manual, “word-monkeys.”

“If you want quality, you pay for the best, right? Like teaching English here, I have no qualification, but as a native speaker, I’m already qualified by birth, and therefore I’m the best at it. I deserve money in exchange of investing my precious time.

“If they want more writers, they can’t expect people to work for free, no one would do that here in Tây Hồ, life is so expensive and stressful enough without having to waste my time and energy volunteering. And without any money, how can I find new ideas? The usual bad teachers/overpriced Phở/crazy bus driver stories will always work and people will always laugh. If they want me to create any original content and work on a deeper journalism level, they need to slap some big đồngs in my hand first,” he said.

Durant also revealed a darker side of The Durian’s operations; one he said the writers only speak about in hushed tones in dark corners of the city.

“No one has ever actually met the editor in chief, but whoever he is, he’s making a fortune, thanks to the corporations who hire us to skewer their rivals. Some say he’s not even a teacher, and he has a huge flat in Times City where he bathes in the blood of the new ‘recruits’ he has his assistants bring to him. It’s how he keeps his skin blemish free here.”

It seems obvious that in the near future that The Durian will try to palliate the lack of writers and original stories by saying they are a small independent newspaper and will desperately advertise on a public post on Facebook that they are looking for new volunteers.

According to our sources, they will shamelessly try to lure more starving writers in, offering them all the fame and fortune that comes with anonymously posting bollocks on the internet.

Some will be ensnared, if only to give their lives the pretence of more meaning in an already poisonous expat community, but those wishing to commit their time and efforts in exchange for little more than online ridicule should immediately submit content to durianoi!@theduriannews.com apparently...

Delays to Hanoi Metro project blamed on sharks on construction sites

Hà Đông, Hanoi – Hanoi Metro has been one of the Vietnamese capital’s most eagerly anticipated construction projects, but with delays and excuses mounting, has the public lost faith in the city’s most ambitious public transport policies?

As the project enters its eighth year, officials have today disappointed rail-enthusiasts with an announcement that there will be no announcement regarding the opening of the much-anticipated Metro network.

When pressed for details, officials familiar with the project claimed that the delays were an inevitable side effect of sharks eating construction workers.

“As I understand the situation, the problem presented by sharks causing delays in Vietnam appears to have expanded in scope and scale,” claimed one contractor who wished to remain anonymous.

“And yes – we’re very much aware that sharks are fish,” he added, “But you have to believe us when we say that they are the chief culprits behind all delays on the construction of Hanoi’s Metro system.”

The Hanoi Metro, now estimated to have cost Vietnam $868 million, remains a constipated squeeze towards progress in the bowels of the city, but officials were quick to assure reporters for The Durian that sharks were to blame.

“If you need to point fingers anywhere, I think you’ll clearly find the sharks are to blame – see, it’s right here in this press release,” shouted a high-vis clad individual before scampering off into the construction site in Hà Đông.

This is not the first time that Vietnam has fallen prey to the ferocious appetite of sharks, who – despite a severely limited presence in Vietnamese waters – have been cited as the reason for slow internet on numerous occasions in the past.

Speaking with The Durian via two cups joined by a piece of string, marine biologist and shark attack survivor Dwayne Dedalia stated his doubts at the viability of such claims.

“Having felt the puncturing sting of a shark teeth tear through my flesh while in the ocean, I can say with some degree of authority that these claims of shark interference in land-based construction projects is laughable.”

Dedalia went on to explain that even if the sharks had been able to gain some sort of insight into the Hanoi Metro through years of chewing on data-rich internet cables, the concept that they had somehow developed legs, lungs, and “some sort of totally futuristic hazmat suit that lets them breathe on land” were beyond absurd.

This comes amid fresh calls from Vietnam’s netizens to legalise shark hunting for the sake of faster access to pornography and cute cats doing people things.

With pollution rapidly approaching uninhabitable levels across Vietnam’s urban areas, sources with a working knowledge of the Hanoi Metro project reported plans to implicate sharks in carbon emissions somehow.

No sharks could reached for comment at press time.

Bankrupt N20 dealer tries to commit suicide huffing balloons in response to ban

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