Food scientists at The Pizza Company “violated laws of nature,” court finds

Cầu Giấy, Hanoi – After standing accused of testing the absolute limits of what humans can be expected to consume, a team of food scientists at The Pizza Company were found to have violated the laws of nature, according to The Durian’s court reporter.

Standing trial at the Hanoi Court of Gastronomy, with the right honourable Judge Máy Cắt Ruột presiding, the team of three food scientists pleaded guilty to experimenting on live human subjects in restaurants across the country and beyond national borders.

Defendant and scientific wrong-brain, Chỉ Ăn Thôi addressed the jury directly following the team’s decision to fire their legal representation in the name of experimentation.

“Today you have heard that we are monsters, reckless dabblers of gastronomy and an affront to the whole of Italy, but ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I am here to tell you otherwise,” the accused yelled, cackling as he did so.

“You pedants may call it a crime against humanity, a violation of pizza, but we – the far-seers of flavour – we will be vindicated by history, nothing will stop us in our quest to create the boldest pizzas this world has ever seen, we will be victorious!” screamed a deranged Chỉ, before adding that nobody knew how good mint choc-chip goat’s milk would be when baked onto a cheese and grease soaked wad of dough, but that The Pizza Company had the right to let them find out.

Prosecutors had previously presented menus from The Pizza Company to the jury, arguing that no customer should be forced to choose between the restaurant’s signature Pickled Seafood Extravaganza with a glow-in-the-dark puree crust and the Whipped Cream Durian Pizza Pie.

“Your honour, ladies and gentlemen of the jury, we the prosecution put it to you that no sane human could possibly be expected to willingly purchase and consume some of the monstrous aberrations of nature that Mr Chỉ and his team have been creating in their underground facilities,” argued Nguyen Quá Đúng, the lead prosecutor.

“What ethical scientist could possibly condone live human tests with this combination of ingredients, let alone build an entire business model around it? Does a 16-inch Sweet Potato and Squid Supreme sound like something you would want your child to eat, even by accident?” Nguyen asked a mortified jury.

After enduring a punishing four hours of The Pizza Company’s promotional materials for what he concluded was “the antithesis of anything that anyone should put in their mouth or any other orifice,” Judge Máy sentenced the trio to multiple life sentences for violating the laws of nature with their defilement of the good name pizza.

Responding to the ruling, a spokesman from The Pizza Company took to social media to express the company’s intention to appeal.

“We will take this all the way up to the International Court of Cuisine in Switzerland if we must, we will see that justice is served and when it is, it’ll be wrapped up neatly in a burnt 12-inch Chili Mackerel Calzone with extra bones,” the Facebook post read, adding that patrons of the restaurant chain could look forward to abstract concepts such as ennui and schadenfreude as early as February 2020.

Nobody sure how Vietnam survived invention of the car

Ba Đình, Hanoi – Experts of varying discipline gathered in the capital today to academically gasp in amazement at the continued survival of the Socialist Republic of Vietnam, in spite of the introduction of four-wheeled death machines to the sovereign state’s roads.

Noting that the Vietnamese language was yet to create a term for a “turning circle,” esteemed anthropologists, humanitarians, linguists and sociologists exclaimed their shock at the continued survival of the Vietnamese people, following their masochistic proclivity for steel death cabins they have no control over.

“Honestly, we foresaw massive sustained casualties across this great nation when a foreign species of vehicle was introduced to the fragile ecosystem of Vietnamese roads, but now – with only one road death every hour – we feel nothing if not humbled by the aptitude of Vietnamese motorists,” sighed top vehicle-ologist Kim Loại Xoắn.

“I shit you not, all of our studies pointed to the complete extinction of Vietnamese way of life when cars took to these delicate roads – we calculated that such girthy vehicles, coupled with the average national spatial awareness, which we measured in emojis used per text message, would result in nothing but catastrophe,” added Kim, who admitted, none of the data his team had modelled backed up the continued existence of Vietnamese people after the advent of the car

Although nationalistic critics have been quick to intervene on social media, taking to the Ethernet with the frenzied rabidity one would expect in a one-party state, anyone with any experience of driving outside of Vietnam acknowledges that it is through sheer miracle alone that any of the 96 million inhabitants of this country have survived.

“I get it, cars make you look important and probably do something for penile compensation, but if you don’t know how to operate such machinery – well, this is why you have to be 18 to buy a gun where I’m from,” exclaimed long-time driver and first-time visitor to Vietnam, Zach McCracken.

The 24-year-old American was initially disturbed by what he perceived as a lack of cars on the road, but after just seven hours, McCracken became a devout convert and launched a Kickstarter campaign to prevent the import of American cars to Vietnamese roads.

“Shit man, it’s like that old Playstation game, Demolition Derby, ‘cept most of the players have only got bikes and small children to protect them when BAM! – in comes some fuckin’ dude cruising about in fuckin’ paramilitary APC – shit’s whack!” stated the American, before pre-emptively posting “#ThoughtsAndPrayers” lest another mass shooting occur back home while he proceeded to get blackout drunk at a local bia hoi.

Ever seeking to stick a crowbar of justice between the extremes that divide us, The Durian delved deeper into Vietnam’s self-titled “Carmageddon” to uncover the true facts.

The nation’s ability to not only survive, but thrive in an environment that has been rapidly overtaken by Neolithic fuckwits with far more money than automotive ability has left international onlookers stunned, yet seemingly this aggressive breed of cashed-up Yuppie has more than infiltrated a new environment.

It has become the new environment.

“I learned how to drive from my father – well, him and his bodyguard,” explains nouveau riche shit-sack and probably future parliamentarian, Nguyen Tiền Lồn.

“I make the vroom-vroom go fast-fast I do, but only when I’m on the phone cause indicators are just part of the Western idealism that festers in our nation’s heart,” exclaimed the well-to-do soon-to-be road death statistic.

Train Street closed after failing to meet fatality quota for 117th year running

Hoàn Kiếm, Hanoi – Controversy ran amok in the capital last week, following authorities’ decision to close down the iconic tourist hotspot known colloquially as train street due to the destination’s consistent failure to meet projected fatality quotas.

Built in 1902, the French-laid train tracks are yet to kill as many people in Hanoi as the French themselves did, but that didn’t stop representatives from the Ministry of Tourism in their quest for ever-more brutal tourism products.

“While we welcome a certain level of diversity within the tourism industry of Vietnam, Hanoi’s train street simply hasn’t been pulling its weight in terms of fatal incidents,” claimed Nguyen Châm Biếm, a spokesperson for the Ministry of Tourism tasked with evaluating the effectiveness of train street.

“Our roads will continue to remain the cornerstone of fatalities – claiming more than 8000 lives in 2017 alone – but in the same year, just 133 people perished in railroad related wrecks, many of whom did not even die on ‘train street’” Nguyen said, using air quotes to emphasise his point.

“But we do expect to see strong fatality growth in Dalat’s abseiling sites, drunk drowning off Cát Bà is also projected to rise, whereas dying of sheer boredom at pagodas nationwide remains strong, it’s just unfortunate that the number of tourists splattered by 15km/h trains has only really declined over the street’s 117 years of existence,” lamented Nguyen.

While Hanoi authorities have issued strong warnings to influencers not to storm train street, a resistance movement by the name of “Fame or Death” has gained traction via a GoFundMe campaign that aims to reinstate Instagrammers’ ability to make softcore porn on the historic Hanoian street.

Among the 300 or so signatories to the campaign for freedom of selfies, Xe Lửa Danh Nhân is perhaps the anomaly. At 57 years old he is, by far and away, one of the campaigners closer to a natural grave, but the Hanoi-born train driver claims his shot at stardom “has been shattered by the train street closure.”

“I know we never pulled in the same number of grizzly deaths as say, the Hà Giang loop, but without all those screaming Caucasian faces whizzing by me incredibly slowly, my Facebook Live videos are going to be little more than lacklustre clips of life on a really slow train,” argued Xe.

Among the pastier of the delegation arguing for looser restrictions on drinking in the vicinity of public railroads was Desmond Van Winkledom, an influencer from Monaco who prides himself on “finding the unfindable” and an erratic scarf collection.

“My quest for a selfie-aggrandising online glorious death will not be stopped by flimsy barriers and corrupt cops,” Van Winkledom posted on Instagram last night.

“If people don’t get an artistically warped vision of my life, then why must I face the mediocrity of strained bowel movements in unsanitary toilets and my own linguistic incompetence while travelling in Vietnam? #GuessI’llFindSomewhereElseToDie #Outrage #Like&Subscribe” the human septic tank wrote.

At press time, local police reported one officer was being treated for injuries after being hit by a train while playing Candy Crush at the time of guarding the now-banned street.

Rat totally grossed out by backpackers at restaurant

Hoàn Kiếm, Hanoi – A local rat has today been mortified to see a pack of dreadlocked bro-hemians scurrying about the place at a local restaurant, The Crackpacker’s while trying to gorge on garbage and detritus. One crustafarian, who was reportedly as big as 5ft something, was reportedly the leader of the pack and could be seen scampering around The Crackpacker’s with reckless abandon according to rodent sources familiar with the situation.

“It was this great, hairy white thing just bustling about, asking when the free beer was going to be served every 15 minutes,” claimed resident rodent Jeff, who was born without a surname on account of being a bastard rat.

“I’d ordered a floor-serving portion of the unknown-soldier-meat, the place seemed clean enough – you know, just another quiet restaurant floor for a romantic dinner and then suddenly we could hear all these noises, like ‘Doo yooo speek Inglissshhh?’ and I told my wife that it sounded like backpackers.”

Jeff and his wife, Rosetta, were happily tucking into some off-cuts that had lost a battle with gravity on the patio when they saw highly-strung white people scuttling across the floor, replete with linguistic deficiencies, AirPods and an unmistakable sense of entitlement.

“I’m not gonna lie, I’ve been around, I’ve eaten a lot of places – high-end and in the gutter, literally – but this totally put me off my offal,” said Jeff, who had reportedly spent the morning consoling his wife in the privacy of a garbage bin.

Other vermin diners were also repulsed by the sight of the gangly woke-folk, who allegedly whipped out an acoustic guitar before their food was served and began aurally agonising renditions of Oasis’s 1995 cunt-classic Wonderwall, prompting one whole mischief of rats to walk out in disgust.
   

One patron of The Crackpacker’s who identifies as a muroid rodent and wishes to remain anonymous spoke exclusively to The Durian through a vet, who served as a translator.

“It was such a disappointment, I’d heard so much about this place [The Crackpacker’s] on SewageAdvisor and everyone said that the floor-to-table leftovers were supposed to be divine, so I’m especially disappointed that our experience was marred by the obvious presence of such unhygienic beasts.”

The anonymous animal later questioned our reporter as to the meaning of an Ed Sheeran and asked who is this fabled Wi-Fi password.

More on this story after we send another unwitting intern into the sewers for follow-up interviews with little more than a flashlight and the promise of a Grab bike home.

Hanoi’s pollution not as toxic as online discussion of pollution

Ba Đình, Hanoi – While the skyline of the Vietnamese capital has become a hazy mess of angry particulate matter farted directly out of god’s ass and into our lungs, the inhospitable atmosphere outside has tragically, yet predictably been mirrored inside the hive mind nexus of Hanoi’s Facebook groups.

Once again, familiar faces opened their primary face-holes to fire jets of hot gaseous gibberish directly into the eyes of casual scrollers and anyone taking a dump. This bilious outpouring was prompted by a profoundly simple solution to the worsening pollution implemented this week by Hanoi authorities.

Without planting a single tree, banning a single vehicle or completing a single Metro line, the government’s pollution solution appears to consist of removing air quality index (AQI) app, AirVisual from app stores in Vietnam and in a characteristically unedifying act of apparent censorship. Data provided by AirVisual consistently highlighted the fact that Hanoi’s environment is more eager to choke you than that dominatrix on popular dating app, ‘Lay a Tây.’

Addressing the issue from a well-ventilated room full of treated air was unnamed government spokesman #7481, who read a press release unblinking as he stared soullessly into the camera.

“We have reasons to believe that AirVisual was propagating false information on the severity of pollution in Hanoi. The issue appears to stem from mendacious sharks chewing on relevant AQI equipment, resulting in lamentably high readings – readings that, if true, would really prove critically harmful to the general population.”

“But only if true, which they’re definitely not. It’s the sharks. Again,” he added before marching off-screen.

Despite the government’s most plausible public service announcement since the great lightbulb fire of last month, many netizens remained deeply troubled. The toxicity of the air was matched only by the level of debate surrounding the issue online which one onlooker described as being “as nuanced as an assault in a nightclub toilet.”

Numerous noxious spores were released into the digital atmosphere by a range of highly-informed individuals, all taking time out from their busy schedules to once more bear down on the caps lock on their laptops with the ferocity of a rabid mongoose in their bid to convince others of the validity of their opinions.

Hanoi Humongous Community was once again engulfed in a topical debate that raged around the issue of pollution, with many taking to the internet to assert their intellectual dominance.

“The pollution might not even be that bad for us,” wrote one local user. “If you allow yourself to be sucked into the liberal Western notion that PM 2.5 is harmful then you’re just going to be another sheeple pawn in the greatest scam of our generation. Shut up and enjoy the weather, idiots.”

Other users added insights that simply fanned the flames of fiercely erratic debate.

“Think of pollution like your waistline, if you get really, grotesquely – and I mean hideously, hideously fat – and you have to go to special shops for clothes and be hoisted out of bed by a complex system of pulleys and levers, if you get that fat and then I show you a picture of somebody even fatter, does that make you thin? Obviously not, so shut up and panic about being killed by the air, morons.”

Speaking exclusively with The Durian environmental researcher and Head of the Department of Environmental Sciences at Hanoi University of Science and Technology, Dr Nguyen Hiển Nhiên offered an illuminating insight.

“You don’t need an app to tell you shit’s fucked mate.”