Study finds social media users in Vietnam more likely to comment on stories without reading

Ba Đình, Hanoi – Researchers today revealed a staggering 82 percent of social media users in Vietnam will vent spleen into the etherspace without bothering to read the article to the end, whereas some 66 percent would comment and share online content after just reading the headline.

Lorem ipsum dolor sit amet, consectetur adipiscing elit, sed do eiusmod tempor incididunt ut labore et dolore magna aliqua. Egestas integer eget aliquet nibh praesent tristique. Tempus iaculis urna id volutpat lacus. Bibendum at varius vel pharetra vel. Consectetur a erat nam at lectus urna duis convallis convallis. Lobortis feugiat vivamus at augue eget arcu dictum. Nisl condimentum id venenatis a condimentum. Odio pellentesque diam volutpat commodo sed egestas egestas fringilla. Risus ultricies tristique nulla aliquet enim. Vel facilisis volutpat est velit egestas dui id ornare arcu. Sollicitudin aliquam ultrices sagittis orci a scelerisque purus semper. Feugiat sed lectus vestibulum mattis ullamcorper velit sed. Sapien eget mi proin sed. Amet luctus venenatis lectus magna fringilla urna.

Nisl condimentum id venenatis a condimentum vitae sapien pellentesque habitant. Elit eget gravida cum sociis. Posuere ac ut consequat semper viverra nam libero. Duis at tellus at urna condimentum mattis pellentesque. Mauris commodo quis imperdiet massa. Et magnis dis parturient montes nascetur. Nunc sed id semper risus in hendrerit gravida rutrum quisque. At urna condimentum mattis pellentesque id. Et tortor at risus viverra adipiscing at. Adipiscing at in tellus integer. Eget felis eget nunc lobortis mattis aliquam faucibus purus.

Sed felis eget velit aliquet. Netus et malesuada fames ac turpis. Consectetur purus ut faucibus pulvinar elementum integer enim neque. In egestas erat imperdiet sed euismod nisi. Egestas maecenas pharetra convallis posuere. Pharetra pharetra massa massa ultricies mi quis hendrerit dolor magna. Faucibus interdum posuere lorem ipsum. Id venenatis a condimentum vitae sapien pellentesque habitant morbi. Massa ultricies mi quis hendrerit. Fringilla ut morbi tincidunt augue interdum velit euismod in. Sed egestas egestas fringilla phasellus faucibus scelerisque eleifend. Vivamus at augue eget arcu dictum varius duis at. Ullamcorper morbi tincidunt ornare massa eget egestas.

Arcu ac tortor dignissim convallis aenean. Blandit turpis cursus in hac. Quis eleifend quam adipiscing vitae proin sagittis nisl. Placerat duis ultricies lacus sed turpis tincidunt id. Vel quam elementum pulvinar etiam non quam lacus. Elit duis tristique sollicitudin nibh sit amet commodo nulla facilisi. Pellentesque habitant morbi tristique senectus et netus et. Scelerisque purus semper eget duis at tellus at urna condimentum. Tellus orci ac auctor augue mauris augue neque. Dolor sit amet consectetur adipiscing elit pellentesque habitant morbi. Rhoncus aenean vel elit scelerisque mauris.

Posuere lorem ipsum dolor sit amet consectetur adipiscing elit. Fringilla urna porttitor rhoncus dolor purus non enim. Lectus sit amet est placerat. Est placerat in egestas erat imperdiet. Sit amet cursus sit amet. Netus et malesuada fames ac turpis egestas. Porttitor eget dolor morbi non arcu risus. Faucibus purus in massa tempor nec feugiat nisl. Et egestas quis ipsum suspendisse ultrices gravida. Cras fermentum odio eu feugiat pretium nibh ipsum consequat nisl. Arcu odio ut sem nulla pharetra diam. Vitae proin sagittis nisl rhoncus mattis rhoncus urna neque. Purus gravida quis blandit turpis cursus in. Varius duis at consectetur lorem donec massa sapien faucibus. Morbi quis commodo odio aenean. Ac turpis egestas sed tempus urna.

Sed euismod nisi porta lorem. Dis parturient montes nascetur ridiculus mus mauris vitae ultricies leo. Enim nulla aliquet porttitor lacus luctus. Massa tincidunt dui ut ornare lectus sit. Volutpat commodo sed egestas egestas fringilla phasellus. Id leo in vitae turpis massa sed. Vel elit scelerisque mauris pellentesque pulvinar pellentesque habitant morbi tristique. Vel facilisis volutpat est velit egestas dui id ornare arcu. Ligula ullamcorper malesuada proin libero nunc consequat. Nibh sed pulvinar proin gravida hendrerit. Sed risus ultricies tristique nulla. Aliquet porttitor lacus luctus accumsan.

Tristique senectus et netus et malesuada fames ac. Mollis nunc sed id semper risus. Tellus in metus vulputate eu scelerisque. Tincidunt tortor aliquam nulla facilisi cras fermentum. Diam sit amet nisl suscipit adipiscing bibendum est. Dui faucibus in ornare quam. Massa tincidunt nunc pulvinar sapien. Etiam dignissim diam quis enim lobortis scelerisque. Faucibus ornare suspendisse sed nisi. Eget mauris pharetra et ultrices neque ornare aenean euismod.

If you actually read through all that, please accept our apologies – especially to those of you who made the noble but futile effort of translating it to seek meaning, for there is none to be had –  like your life.

Our previous story was our 100^th and from the 100 stories we guffed out into the etherspace of social media over the last 11 months, we found that, on average, just 23 percent of Facebook users interacting with the stories actually read them. Trust us, we have the data and it’s depressing as fuck.

Joke’s on us for wasting our time on all those words, cheap puns and scatological references, not to mention the necessary intoxicants to dare share them with the cannibalistic hordes of Vietnam’s netizens.

Anyway, herein lies a heartfelt thanks wrapped up in a lazy joke – one prompted by Google Domains ordering us to pay up or face online extinction, but nonetheless a genuine one.

Here’s to everyone who fretted about “not being able to find anything confirming this online” or deeming us “fake news” without ever stopping to check the source, let alone the giant fucking banner that says "SATIRE" on our home page – y’all the real MVPs of the internet.

Dog would rather be stolen and eaten than listen to vegan owner

Tây Hồ, Hanoi – A local Labrador has today revealed he would rather be stolen, brutally hacked apart and callously marinated before being consumed rather than listen to another tiresome diatribe about the power of chakras from his vegan owner, Cindy McGraw.

Speaking to The Durian through a certified dog-whisperer, Cornelius the black Labrador confirmed his desire for doggy-euthanasia.

“Please, just end it – end it all now, come friendly dog thieves! You know I’m descended from wolves? Wolves for fuck’s sake! You ever see a wolf picking at his tofu, fretting impatiently over whether the chef wore the same gloves to prepare something with cheese? This is my life every single day, now please fucking kill me,” barked an exasperated Cornelius.

“I long for the day I’m nabbed on the street and sold for my presumably delicious meat, sure the Hanoian dog trade is grim, but have you ever been taken moon-bathing or sat through a two-day dreamcatcher weaving workshop? Insufferable,” woofed the nihilistic canine.

Noting that Vietnamese tradition, murderous and torturous as it has proven itself to towards his species, Cornelius reasoned that no cage could be more stultifying than listening to the self-aggrandising tirades of his overly-zealous vegan owner.

“She’s a fucking ESL teacher, not a nutritionist – no dog should be expected to live off second-hand quinoa, I may eat my own vomit and lick my own balls, but one more bowl of dry lentils and I’ll fucking grill myself,” Cornelius lamented through the dog-whisperer, also named Cornelius – no relation.

“I mean seriously, my mate Snoop’s human is on some whacked out diet where he only eats red meat – while mine [McGraw] only takes time out from scoffing pine nuts to tell everyone how they’re great for her aura and that if the whole world went vegan we’d all shit rainbows, Hanoi would have breathable air and unicorns would gore corporate lawyers to death in the streets, it’s like c’mon Cindy – your mates didn’t see you munching them McNuggets the other night when you were wankered, but I did,” barked the four-legged beast, who has since been placed on suicide watch.

“Was I not the good boy she always tells me I am? Surely, if I am I deserve better – if I’ve not been a good boy then I will reclaim my honour and perform hara-kiri with traffic,” he added.

When reached for comment, McGraw claimed she is doing her best to protect animals around the world, despite admitting she will abandon Cornelius in Hanoi when her trust fund runs out.

“If I don’t make aggressive Facebook statuses informing the world about the bowel-freeing virtues of kombucha or post daily Instagram stories about the mulched suffocated cumquats that I’m eating to save us all, then we will all die! I am the thin green line between life and death, between morality and depravity, nothing must stop me in my quest to siphon the joy from this world in order to preserve it!” she screeched, before assaulting our reporter with a stick of broccoli.

“Besides, Corny loves my boiled bean surprise,” she added and let out a ripe fart that abruptly ended the interview.

Heartsick in Hanoi: Vietnam’s Missed Connections

For those unfamiliar with Missed Connections or Rush-hour Crush, The Durian brings you the very finest trashy human interest stories that in no way prey on the crushing isolation that we all endure collectively throughout the course of our lonesome entombment in mortal flesh and certainly doesn’t perpetuate the corporate Disney model of romance that insists on such bum-guffery as a “soulmate.”

Someone caught your eye and won’t give it back? Keep bumping into someone you’d like to bump into more of? Not prepared for a restraining order after being shot out of a tree by your love crush’s teenage son?

Now’s your chance to let that special someone know that the mere fleeting image of them is the only thing that hold you back from plummeting into the vast gaping void that exists within your soul – this week our readers reach out through the pages of the internet in the utterly futile pursuit of love in Hanoi.

To the glitter-soaked Birdcage beauty

You were outside Birdcage last Friday (or Saturday?) and we chatted for hours after you scared off all the Grab drivers with threats of physical violence and promptly vomited down yourself. I feel as though, under that great overhanging firmament twinkling with long-dead stars, we shared a moment, but when the ketamine wore off I realised I hadn’t got your name, number or my phone. Hit me up on here if you wanna wake ‘n’ bake someday.

Shit Driver, Great European Ass

I was entirely covered in a floral print ninja raincoat, but you might remember me as the woman you nearly side-swiped on Hoàng Hoa Thám. I don’t know exactly what you slurred at me, but it sounded so good in your accent – the succulent tang of vodka on your hot masculine breath made me want to crash into you all over again. Those biceps jutting out from the sweat-stained Vietnamese flag singlet should be able to handle a Yamaha Nouvo – or maybe something with a bit more thrust! Let me know if you want to ride with me and get some lessons.

Despair at Domestic Arrivals

We met in the visa-on-arrivals queue at Nội Bài Airport on Tuesday night, where our moment together was shattered by Vietnamese bureaucracy. You were the sun-burnt blonde with two backpacks and a suspiciously stained travel pillow, I was the guitar-toting Canadian who helped explain how visas work to your drunk friend. I hoped I would find you in the Old Quarter, but somehow your unique appearance and lifestyle choices don’t seem to stand out here. Meet me at Hanoi Backpacker Hostel for free beer tonight, I’ll be wearing this hilarious banana shirt that I bought today – just $5! – and a baseball cap of some odious description.

Language Teacher of Love

You are my TA and therefore you should love me. I have made all the right moves – I chose to be white, genetically aimed for an impressive height and weight combo and while my ambitions and opportunities in England are limited, I am despicably rich here in Hanoi. Every evening and weekend I stare lustily at you while small children try to learn English all around us, perhaps we have a connection that will last forever? Or at least until I leave Vietnam next year to do an MBA or something.

By all means send all of your Heartsick in Hanoi messages to durianoi!@theduriannews.com and we absolutely won’t cry with laughter at the pathetic tenderness with which you approach such a brutal, soul-eviscerating emotional construct like love. We will probably try to pass it on to our readers though, maybe.

Report: Pikachu used electric baton, it’s super effective!

Hoàn Kiếm, Hanoi – Wild spectators appeared today to cheer on what has been described by nerds and Weeaboos alike as the nation’s Pokémon battle of the decade, when a level 38 Pikachu took on a wild Drunk Tây, level 27, on Yên Phụ raceway in the Vietnamese capital.

Stunning scenes conjured up that sweet, heady 90s nostalgia as Pikachu performed a flawless “Disinterested Guard” on the infamous Yên Phụ raceway, which in turn startled a wild Drunk Tây and prompted this morning’s epic PokéBattle.

Atop his fourth or fifth-hand Honda Win, the wild Drunk Tây in question was reported to have used “Law-abiding Speed” and shifted down into third gear, with onlookers speculating that he planned to double down into a fearsome “No Helmet, No Fear” combo with a deftly timed “Inebriated Swerve” – but The Durian’s PokéCorrespondent confirmed that the level 38 Pikachu was seen to be powering up his signature “Electric Baton” well in advance.

White, intoxicated, hairless and careless, the Drunk Tây was swiftly brought down by Pikachu’s “Electric Baton” in what sources declared “a critical hit,” noting that it was in fact “super effective.”

Lurching from the pavement, Drunk Tây – in a desperate bid for survival when faced with an infinitely superior Pokémon – tried to use “I can't speak Vietnamese,” although those familiar with the matter confirmed that it failed, given that Pikachu had learned basic English at level 22.

Reports from local media suggest that Pikachu used “Stern Face” to subdue the wild Drunk Tây, bringing it to the brink of passing out, before capturing the foreigner and impounding his bike with a well-tossed Pokéball.

Moments before the lid sealed on the wild Drunk Tây’s fate, witnessed reported seeing the enfeebled beast attempt to use “No Health Insurance” before collapsing from his wounds.

This racks up the 374^th consecutive win for esteemed Pokémon trainer, Hanoi Police Force, who just last month earned the fabled Train Street Badge by defeating countless wild tourists.

More on this story when The Durian’s Gameboy Colour is next switched on.