We don’t deserve Hanoi’s Weatherdude, sigh Hanoians

Cầu Giấy, Hanoi – Noting that the sheer radiant brilliance and purity of Hanoi’s Weatherdude is simply too good to be longed for the Vietnamese capital, many residents have today expressed fear that the beloved meteorologist and social media personality may never return from Huế.

Few Vietnamese icons have been met with such outright adoration, respect and unsolicited photos of amorous genitalia than Hanoi’s Weatherdude. As such, the home-grown hero’s absence from his native Hanoi has cast a powerful sense of dread that currently hangs over the city’s residents, weighing on our collective souls heavier than the darkest of cumulonimbus clouds.

“Seriously, I haven’t used my iPhone weather app the whole time I’ve been here – he’s got a captive market on meteorology, he can’t just release us, defenceless, back into the wilderness of inaccuracies and discrepancies!” shrieked one nameless Tây as he frantically set about burning poorly-crafted effigies of Hanoi’s Weatherdude in a desperate bid to bring about his return.

“Oh ye mighty Weatherdude, why hast thou abandoned us?” the painfully pasty and tastelessly naked man screamed into the sky as his god turned his back upon him.

With Hanoi’s Weatherdude currently on an extended vacation in Huế, many among the community have taken this time to reflect on their worthiness of the revered atmosphere-enthusiast.

“He was just too pure, too quintessentially good for us,” sighed Melony Malone as she eye-fucked her Bia Hoi with a vacant gaze.

“Maybe we never deserved such a benevolent climatologist – I just wish that we’d been kinder when he was here, y’know? Like we could’ve perhaps just told him more often how much we appreciate him, his work and his boundless enthusiasm for weather, do you think that could’ve stopped him leaving us?” she asked our reporter, clinging to his sleeve and not breaking eye-contact for an unsettling period of time.

Speculation as to the return of Hanoi’s Weatherdude has reached fever pitch today, with a candlelit vigil being held in Tây Hồ later tonight, weather permitting.

When reached for comment, organisers of the event expressed doubt as to whether it would go ahead, given the lack of meteorological commentary that has thus far determined the lives of Hanoians since the Weatherdude’s inception in the primordial ooze.

“We’re just thankful he’s only in Huế,” said Hanoi resident and admirer of rain, Người Gây Bão, “At least they’ve got 4G there – for a harrowing moment we thought he was back up on Mount Olympia chilling with Zeus and taking pot-shots at Potte Tower with lightning bolts.”

If you're reading this Weatherdude, we miss you and we want you to come home.

Local man’s attempt at 3-point turn absolutely heart-breaking

Đống Đa, Hanoi – Onlookers were today forced to avert their eyes out of sheer pity as local man, later identified as Bị Mắc Kẹt, made an ambitious attempt at a three-point turn in the middle of Lê Duẩn.

Bystanders confirmed that the 36-year-old Hanoi man appeared calm and content atop his 2.2 tonne wheeled throne, but soon became flustered after turning onto Lê Duẩn, which, sources from within the car assured reporters, used to be a two-way street at some point.

It was here that Bi, no longer content to abide by the laws of his fatherland or physics, began to manoeuvre his vehicle with such overarching hubris that left cringing motorists no choice but to watch in agony the slow-motion disaster unravel.

“This is honestly one of the saddest things I think I’ve ever seen,” claimed one distressed motorist, “I mean Trump is locking up children, we’re sliding into a global recession and the world’s largest rainforest is burning, but what he [Bi] is doing to that car is inhumane.

“I think I’d rather watch tiny puppies getting kicked, face-first, into a wood-chipper than have to suffer this heartrending display of ineptitude,” she said, shaking her head.

Statements given to Hanoi traffic authorities suggest Bi’s face passing through as many as 13 shades of purple as he agonisingly twisted the car back and forth into a range of contorted angles that no vehicle should attempt on an actual road.

“Man, it was like watching a figure-skater fall down, but if the figure-skater was a pissed-up hippo and the ice rink was a very public road in Hanoi,” claimed Nguyen Bốn Bánh, the police officer tasked with directing traffic around the lurching Land Rover Discovery.

“He just had this look of helplessness, like an angry middle-aged deer caught in his own headlights, we have a moral responsibility to act,” he added.

Reporters on scene were requested to look away as a tent was erected around Bi’s car and he was humanely put down to ease the misery and suffering of everyone with eyes on the road.

Determined traffic cop learns how to ask for bribes in 12 languages

Ba Đình, Hanoi – Rarely does The Durian take pause from its unrelenting assault on privileged foreigners hell-bent on undermining the Vietnamese education system, but today our reporter uncovered such a rare, heart-rending effort that our editorial team agreed a temporary ceasefire.

In what may be the human interest story of the year, Hanoi houses many heroes, but few come close to the touching determination of Trả Tiền Ngay. Born to humble, high-ranking police officer with just two cars for his family of six, Trả has known his whole life he would proudly follow in his father’s footsteps, stopping any driver who looks like they might eat in hotels.

Now at the tender age of 22, Trả has already proven himself the worthiest sperm by changing the traffic cop game forever.

“Well at first I felt somewhat degraded,” explains Trả in a flawless British accent he reportedly gained by watching nothing but Love Actually for a whole summer.

“I suppose the beige uniform somehow felt like a failure in the eyes of father dearest,” he confesses, “But then I discovered the English word ‘bribe’ and everything changed.

“This filled me with a newfound confidence, suddenly those magnolia garbs I’d found so loathsome were a source of power – I felt no fear at all when faced with a Land Rover obeying traffic laws,” he added.

Trả’s sudden new interest in what most considered a menial line of work won him the favour of his superiors. Before long, Trả was informed he would be promoted and so the hands of fate plucked him from the dilapidated concrete wreckage of Cầu Giấy district and delivered him to the destruction-derby that is Hanoi’s palpitating Old Quarter.

“The change in atmosphere in turn changed me,” reflects Trả, “I had to evolve to meet the needs of the situation.”

That situation in particular being the thronging masses of drunken backpacker careening about the place with neither a helmet nor health insurance. This in turn presented Trả with a new challenge – the limitations of his newfound linguistic capabilities were laid bare and forced him to once more hit the books.

“I think what depressed me most was the blank stares and the polite smiles that greeted me when I pulled over a Caucasian for anything, absolutely anything,” explains Trả, “So that’s when I knew it was time to study Google Translate – I mean, really study it.”

Flash forwards to today and Trả is melting the hearts of locals and visitors alike with his perfectly executed requests for bribery in up to 12 languages.

“He was just so adorably shy with his Catalan accent, we felt we couldn’t possibly leave without giving him a tip,” explained not-quite Spanish backpacker, Pascual Cabrerra, “Honestly, it was worth cutting back on our meals to reward this passionate, young traffic policía in his dedication.”

Mastering the art of extortion in a range of European and Asiatic languages, as well as several Russian dialects, Trả is confident that few visitors' wallets will be spared his charming demand of under-the-table payments.

“Honestly, it’s been great,” beams a smiling Trả, “Father’s so proud, I dare say he’ll be buying me a car for my birthday later this year.”

At press time our reporter was able to confirm that said car would indeed be unnecessarily large, much like Trả’s sense of self-worth and gross income.

Obama Bún Chả rolls out predator drone delivery service

Hoàn Kiếm, Hanoi – Flying in the face of Hanoi authority’s no-drone zones, the team of savvy, local restaurateurs behind the cult classic Obama Bún Chả have today paid homage to their eponymous former U.S. president and honoured his legacy with the introduction of the predator drone delivery service that’s bringing piping hot bún chả through your door.

“We’ve long had an issue with customers – foreigners in particular – falling asleep when our delivery driver is waiting outside,” exclaimed the visibly jubilant head chef, Đầu Bếp Chết, “But now I feel that with the upgrade to AGM-114 Hellfire air-to-surface missiles on our delivery drones, we can blast open the eyelids of any sleeping tây.”

“Our pilots will even deliver direct to your bed now, after splintering the front of your house into a fiery cloud of ash and destruction!” he added.

Food critics and creepy tech-geeks applauded the bold new strategy and are touting it as the next Snatch; the infamous Vietnamese ride-hailing app, turned food delivery service who - in these very pages – were exposed as running an illegal jousting ring.

Ask any high-level informant within the Trump administration and they’ll tell you that drones are “in vogue now” and cited the 45^th president of the United States of America’s not-so-secret desire to trump Obama’s stats.

Đầu and his team remain unfazed though, “Sure, Mr Obama might have only launched 1,878 drone strikes during the entirety of his time in office – that we know about,” chuckled with a knowing smile, “And fine, Mr Trump has surpassed that in a space of under three years, with 2,243 known authorised strikes, but we won’t be changing our name anytime soon.

“I don’t care how many civilians were brutally killed, maimed or injured in debilitating fashion through his droning, Obama just had y’know – a kinda panache about him, he lit up the room, even the ones he wasn’t blowing up,” smiled Đầu.

While critics have branded this a slippery slope for restaurants everywhere and a gross violation of human rights, customers have been quick to open the service with open arms.

Serial grammar-abuser, long-term edutainer and oxygen-thief, Callum McConchie, counters claims that Obama Bún Chả’s innovative new approach to home-delivery is responsible for countless acts of vandalism across the city and in violation of the Geneva Convention.

“Honestly, it was whack bro – I’m in bed, chillin’, porn on – when my phone starts lighting up like ‘pop-pop muddafukka, food’s here’ and so I’m all like pumped up, then the fucking wall explodes and I’m covered in dust and my whole left leg evaporated in the heat of the blast, but check this,” he says, showing The Durian’s reporter his cauterised stump leg, “Totally healed up, plus it’s not like I was in any fit state to walk downstairs and pay a delivery driver.”

This comes at a time where the Trump administration has moved to revoke an executive order introduced by his predecessor, Barack Obama, that required U.S. troops to confirm the number of civilians killed in drone strikes, but veteran political historian Felicity Conk has backed Obama Bún Chả’s move claiming in a statement.

“Few things stir up the memories of a finer presidency than the lurid hellscape we currently inhabit than the knowledge that innocent people are going to be blown up in their own homes while awaiting their next meal, it’s a touching tribute to Obama.”

Although unavailable for comment at press time, The Durian’s D.C. correspondent caught sight of Obama taking his faithful pet predator drone out on his morning jog.

Unqualified ESL teachers complain about unqualified waiter

Tây Hồ, Hanoi – Gathered at their weekly Tuesday “brunch ‘n’ bitch” a nubile gaggle of English teachers has today turned their forked tongues on an unsuspecting waiter at House 37 after the insightful gang of perceived flaws in their server’s training.

The giggling, mewling bundles of depressingly well-paid white flesh were sighted slapping one another on the back and loudly deriding their server’s ability to perform his job, apparently ignorant to the fact that they would be considered as unemployable as strategically shaven apes anywhere else in the world.

“Why’s he just hovering there, like, it’s so basic – I can hear him breathing,” one shrill, reality TV reject was heard saying, without a second thought to the questionable legality of their own employment.

Armed with 120 hour TEFL certificates downloaded from Groupon, the unidentified guffawing chumps remained oblivious to their own distinct unsuitability for any role in the education sector as they whooped and hooted over their waiter’s accent. Sources close to these swaggering bunch of entitled guff-bags confirmed that none of the would-be educators have mastered a second language well enough to work in a cafe.

“But like seriously,” stated one deadpan clump of British molecules, “I could do a better job than this clown [their waiter] with my eyes closed and my testicles caught in a vice,” however experts consulted by The Durian suggest that said clod would be lucky not to be shot on site if they ever faced the scrutiny of a legitimate education regulator.

Following their completely irony-free critiques of another human’s professionalism, the self-proclaimed “Brunch Bitches” went on to order another round of Bloody Marys before concocting an elaborate scheme that would get them out of their afternoon classes.

“Like, I feel bad cause like, it’s $25 that I’ll lose,” weighed in one teacher with the entitlement of a Babylonian prince crossbred with a Kardashian, “But I really can’t be fucked with working on a Saturday,” apparently applying a higher standard to an 18-year-old waiter than he does his own career.

Observers were able to confirm that none of the offending gang endure more than three hours of a work per day and have, in the process, frittered away their chances of a meaningful career in a typically ignorant manner.

With their evisceration of Hanoi's service industry standards over and the Bloody Marys drained, the directionless 20-something-year-olds squabbled over the bill before mounting their school-provided motorbikes to speed off into an unsullied sunset of another “sick” day that sources later confirmed the group would squander as frivolously as they would the rest of their lives.

Hanoi Opera House to be replaced with huge grey box

Hoàn Kiếm, Hanoi – A stunning example of French colonial architecture, cultural touchstone and site of major events in the history of Vietnam, the Hanoi Opera House is to be demolished and replaced with a giant, featureless grey box.

Much like all the other concrete obelisks that make up modern Hanoian architecture, the historical site is set to become a brand new mall and cinema – Regal City.

The Durian sent a fame-hungry and literally hungry intern to Hoàn Kiếm district to investigate, and came across a pitched battle between student protesters and police.

Art history student and future parental disappointment, Giết Bê Tông sighed “I hate to see the beautiful architecture of this city, the Paris of the Orient, erased by fifty floors of grey.”

The students quickly left the area after being pacified with some little propellers to stick on their motorbike helmets, which were thankfully distributed just moments before riot police authorised use of milk tea cannons.

A combination of declining interest in the performing arts, depressingly accessible Korean soap operas and shareable 30-second clips of motorbike accidents, cats doing human things and make-up tutorials has been blamed for the Opera House’s recent waning profits.

“We’ve had a hard time booking acts on our budget,” explained Madame Phu Nhân, “All we’ve had for months is these simpering, earnest teachers with their acoustic guitars.

“It’d be fine if they all knew something beyond Wonderwall or slowed-down versions of The Killers’ first album, but it’s all so very painfully white, mushy, middle-class word-guff,” she added, “Maybe we deserve to be shut down.”

Local demolition worker Dinh Phuc shouted from atop a pile of steel rebar that he neither cares about colonial French architecture or The Killers and noted that he’ll happily demolish every single landmark in the city if it means he can keep streaming YouTube videos while doing so.

A representative of Regal City’s owners, VinaRegal City Story Ltd., offered a swift rebuke to protesters in a statement issued over Instagram.

“Fear not, lovers of buildings – the Opera House is very old, very fragile and so we’re merely making an improvement on this 1911 work of architectural beauty by bulldozing it and replacing it entirely, but with air conditioning and a 4-D cinema,” the post read.

VinaRegal City Story Ltd. went on to detail why they had chosen Hanoi’s historic Opera House.

“Of course, the Opera House has contributed plenty to Vietnam’s culture and history, but we feel that now is the time that it moved over in order to let hot pot chain restaurants and outlet stores represent Hanoi’s cultural development.”

Rumours remain unconfirmed that the underground parking area will be both the largest and most disorientating in all of Vietnam, but reporters were able to establish that it will contain an unknown number of dead-ends, false exits and misleading signposts.

Local parking attendants are reportedly thrilled at the challenge this development presents.

We tried to contact the officials supposedly responsible for the protection of this historic building (the site of the establishment of the Viet Minh, National Liberation Front in 1945, and the first meeting of 

The National Assembly of the Democratic Republic of Vietnam in 1946), but they are out of office, presumably on holiday gambling all of their lucky money away and gorging themselves in the infamous all-you-can-eat seafood buffets of Da Nang.

The original Opera House was completed in 1911 by two French architects, Broyer and V. Harley, following 10 years of painstaking design and construction. Regal City, by contrast, is due to go up in the much more impressive timeframe of two and a half weeks.

Demolition is due to go ahead either right now, at 3am on Monday morning, or after four insufferable years of delays.

ESL recruiters gear up for hunting season as new school year looms

Đống Đa, Hanoi – ‘Tis the season where white people batten down the hatches as the annual ESL equivalent of The Purge turns Vietnam’s urban environments into a battleground, one stalked by language centre recruiters and lazy public school HR goons armed with man-sized nets, fake contracts and big smiles.

The new school year rolls around inexorably like a bánh mì moving ever closer to the bowels and this year recruiters seeking white corporeal mass to educate the Vietnamese youth are once again back on the prowl, fiercer than ever.

Despite having an entire summer to adequately organise themselves for the inevitability of the academic year, ESL recruiters across the nation have collectively determined that this week is the one to don the gloves, lay the man-traps and take to the streets in search of unsuspecting whiteys.

The open season on Caucasians has been declared earlier than previous years, in part prompted by an announcement from the Ministry of Immigration stating that fewer than average business visas had been issued this year.

“We have noticed a serious decline in the number of business visas issued compared with the same period last year,” the announcement said, “Although of course, we have no doubt that there will be more gumptious would-be teachers here than ever before, it’s the same every year.”

The announcement, made earlier this month, unleashed a wave of entirely typical panic among HR professionals working within the ESL industry, with some lower-tier language centres even stooping so far as to leaving a trail of marijuana to their recruiters’ desks.

Local dirtbag and all-round piece of lazy neo-colonial shit Thomas “Tommo” Richardson farted words out of his repulsive face-hole in the direction of The Durian, using them to claim that even a useless white giblet like him had been contacted mercilessly for work.

“Yeah so like, I was just blazing in the bathroom cause my housemate is a little bitch about me smoking the kush in my room right? So then like, this fucking random Vietnamese name pops up on Facebook and so I’m like ‘naaaaah bruv’ but he’s like offering me like $30 an hour for a job that starts tomorrow,” slurred a blatantly intoxicated Richardson as he ironed his only shirt in preparation.

In spite of the grungy, decrepit and generally derelict appearance of Richardson, he is not alone in enjoying innumerate job offers flowing in this past week as ESL recruiters scramble to lock even the most drug-addled of white people into a one-year teaching contract.

Creativity is the name of the game this year it seems, with various recruiters – some hailing from as far as Hai Phong – seen patrolling the Old Quarter with a fully loaded tranquiliser gun while disguising themselves as tour guides, prostitutes and kebab shops to lure in that all-important white flesh. The need for unqualified white meat-sticks has reportedly grown year on year, regardless of the actual quality of education offered, with feckless parents, unscrupulous teachers and the entire ESL industry to blame.

Speaking on a condition of anonymity, a former recruiter for Artemis – a depressingly popular language centre that covers Hanoi the same way VD covers genitals – was able to reveal the ever-evolving tactics of ESL recruiters when faced with a statistical dry patch like this.

“So obviously they’ve got the tranq guns, they’ve lined popular bars with man-traps, bear-traps, cages – any metal holding device they can get their hands on that still guarantees the survival of the prey,” explained Ngueyn Không Tên.

“But they’re determined to make it more sophisticated, to catch that digital nomad market – the ones who think they’re above teaching – so now they’re getting online, cat-fishing horny white males into unfulfilling yet exceptionally well-paid jobs,” he added, “It’s not really anything new, why do you think the world is full of lawyers?”

At the time of writing none of The Durian’s editorial staff had received any such ludicrous offer, but a particularly happy looking Vietnamese man appears to have been stood outside the office for well over two hours now.

Left-hand lane voted best place to turn right

Hoàn Kiếm, Hanoi – The Ministry of Roadway Optimal National Safety (MORONS) today published findings from a recent survey that highlighted the Vietnamese proclivity for turning right from the 

left-hand lane.

The report entitled “National Study of Driver Safety Awareness” concluded that not only was veering across multiple lanes in order to make a turn commonplace, but genuinely preferred and enjoyed by the nation’s road warriors.

Surveying over 32,000 drivers from the nation’s capital, the report went on to detail that turning blindly into oncoming traffic was most frequently enjoyed when the motorist’s turn signal was blinking in the opposite direction to their turn.

Among questions asked via the online survey, spokesperson for the MORONS, Nguyen An Toàn revealed the methodology for the comprehensively damning results.

“Well obviously there were simple questions, multiple choice and what have you – on a scale of one to five how likely are you to even twist your neck just a little to see if an 18-wheel juggernaut is rapidly approaching from behind you, right the way through to more complex questions that allowed road users to grapple with the more existential elements of driving.

“On average we found that those surveyed overwhelmingly believe that their children are more likely to become brain-damaged through wearing a helmet too small for their skull than crashing into an oncoming bus,” he said.

Nguyen went on to detail the universally accepted truth that protection of one’s skin from the sun is of far greater importance than any semblance of spatial awareness that might prevent one from becoming a meaty stain on a lonesome stretch of road.

Speaking with The Durian, local motorist and hospital-bed expert, Tổn Thương Não, expressed his concern for the sheer volume of Vietnamese road users who he is yet to injure, maim or kill with his reckless manoeuvres.

“It just makes me sick that all these people think it’s perfectly acceptable to cut across lanes to make a turn,” he said, “It’s precisely this sort of thoughtlessness that gives drivers like me – who’re skilled enough to get away with that sort of driving – a bad name. Hanging’s too good for some of these drivers.

“Honestly, everyone else is a complete and utter dribbling fuckwit on the roads – everyone but me,” he added.

Beyond the more dramatic findings unearthed by the report, the MORONS report concluded that traffic lights do in fact enhance phone signal, according to participants of the study.

This among other pearls of folk wisdom were imparted through the survey, as such the MORONS will enact a sub-decree banning helmets across the board as they were found to lower a rider’s aerodynamic properties and “totally make you look like a little bitch.”

The survey comes at a time when, between January and July this year, 9,820 traffic accidents occurred in Vietnam, killing 4,467 people, severely injuring 2,794 people and slightly injuring 4,676 others. The MORONS report shows no sign of this abating anytime soon.