Ride-hailing app CFO embroiled in late-night jousting calamity - The Durian - Hanoi's Smelliest News


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Ride-hailing app CFO embroiled in late-night jousting calamity

Hai Bà Trưng, Hanoi – An undercover investigation by The Durian has seen the CFO of ride-hailing app, Snatch, embroiled in an underground late-night jousting operation. Footage obtained by The Durian has implicated Snatch’s Chief Financial Officer, Quach Van Ban, in what appears to be an illegal gambling operation, where Snatch drivers are forced to drive at each other with lances.

Allegations that Quach has been financing the jousting ring that has so far seen countless drivers impaled and mangled have been strenuously denied by Snatch. The ride-hailing company issued a statement over social media this morning.

“Quach is neither aware, nor complicit in this vicious rumour, the sole purpose of which is to defame and besmirch the good name of Snatch,” the statement read, “We have complied thoroughly with the relevant authorities and have filed a formal complaint to media watchdogs for the irresponsible reporting of The Durian.

“Snatch is a family-oriented family,” the statement continued, “and we hope to continue Snatching people in Vietnam long after these rumours are put to bed.”

Despite this, The Durian has collected numerous videos and hours of testimony from Snatch drivers who claim they were offered the chance to joust against their colleagues, known colloquially throughout the company as “wage supplementation opportunities.”

On the condition of anonymity, one former Snatch driver, known only as Andy, spoke to The Durian reporters. Andy has been in the intensive care unit at Đừng Chết private clinic for over two weeks and after a lance tore out one of his kidneys during a late-night jousting match. 

Andy also claims that Quach has personally been paying his medical bills, but doctors at Đừng Chết have expressed concerns that Andy may never be able to drink bia hoi again.

“There’s nothing quite like it,” explained Andy from his hospital bed, “The rush of charging headlong at another driver at 40, sometimes 50kmp/h with a fucking lance is a bit more stimulating  than ferrying fat English teachers to and from Tây Hồ, although for the injuries I’ve seen, it’s just not worth it.”

Andy claims that Quach initiated the jousting ring, encouraging Snatch drivers to take part in jousts that take place at multiple discreet locations across the city, usually in the dead of night.

“Anywhere with a good straight road works fine,” explained Andy, “The main thing is getting the lances supplied in time, it’s the only part of the operation that I haven’t seen for myself, where the fuck do you get a 4ft wooden lance made in Hanoi?”

Speculating on Quach’s motives, Andy suggested that it was initially financed solely by Quach, as a sort of sadistic passion project, but as the jousting momentum grew, Snatch’s own money was funnelled into the operation. Quach has reportedly authorised payments to be made to winners, showing up in payslips as simply, “overtime.”

“The problem is that once you’re in, you’re hooked – the money’s just too good and [Quach] won’t let you quit, not without losing your job.” Andy’s problem is not unique, as many former drivers have reportedly been silenced with out of court settlements.

“He’s got the power to make sure you can’t even get work as a Xe ôm,” he added, cautiously whispering so the nurses wouldn’t hear.

With the death toll rising, increased public awareness and the potential for an internal investigation into Snatch’s jousting policy, the pressure is mounting for Quach to resign.

The question on everyone’s lips is where can I watch this spectacle and how much cash should I bring? 

This is The Durian reporting on an ongoing investigation and we will have the latest for you as we get it.

The Durian is a satirical news outlet, all of our stories are completely fictional, designed only to amuse and entertain. Any resemblance to people living or dead is purely coincidental and in no way intended to hurt your feelings. Sorry for pointing out the obvious, but there’s an abundance of humourless morons out there.

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