Academic Manager gets pretty wild at Christmas party

Thanh Xuân, Hanoi – Hanoi’s fire brigade are now at the scene tackling a blaze that began some hours ago, after Academic Manager, David ‘Dave’ Kennedy, got pretty wild at his English language centre’s Christmas party, detonating an illegal Taiwanese firework indoors, screaming “It’s Christmas!”

Scenes of depravity and degradation greeted colleagues attending the English language centre work Christmas party this evening. Party attendees were treated to a rare scene of jovial behaviour from Kennedy, before things got out of hand and caught fire.

According to sources, mostly consisting of English teachers, children too young to name and their progenitors, the affair was a quiet social gathering considered little more than a courteous nod in the direction of the Eezee Inglisch’s foreign staff, but the events that followed have shaken the city’s faith in the festive season.

Those present could not have prepared themselves for the festive fuck-up that was about to make itself nakedly known to them.

“It all started so innocently,” said Jessie Pinkers, a US citizen who considered Kennedy her manager – and a pretty average one at that – until just a few hours ago.

“Y’know, it was like any other work party, nobody really wanted to be there, everyone was prepping their excuses.”

Still shivering and draped in an emergency services blanket, Pinkers added, “There was a depressingly limited spread of food and drinks, but it was only when David insisted on everyone calling him Dave that we began to notice he was getting merry... well, frankly he was shitfaced.”

Pinkers, along with her colleagues and the now disgraced Kennedy, had been enjoying boiled chicken, orange segments and a vodka fruit punch from a coolbox, but early estimates suggest that Kennedy had made his own preparations for libations.

“Mr David had a special bottle,” recalled a visibly shaken Eezee Inglisch Teaching Assistant, who wished to remain anonymous, “He said it was his happy juice and that he drank it for stamina, but looking back on tonight’s events, I think it might have been whiskey.”

“I think he’d definitely lost his job even before the explosion,” the unknown TA continued, “He was hitting on a student’s mum, claiming he was an ‘English gentleman’ – he’s Canadian.”

The Durian has uncovered that it was only after the vodka punch had run out that Kennedy’s behaviour became erratic, when he reportedly broke a child’s wrist in an arm-wrestling competition, put the corresponding parent in a headlock and scurried through his bag to recover an unidentified explosive device.

“I got this in Taiwan,” Kennedy was overheard saying, “Oughta get Christmas off to a bang,” he reportedly chuckled.

Kennedy was reportedly swigging from his “special bottle” while lighting the fuse on the 12 inch firework in the confines of his former classroom. According to sources, parents were forced to evacuate with their children. As fellow teachers and Eezee Inglisch staff fled the room, numerous reports have been filed stating that Kennedy could be heard screaming, “It’s Christmas!” in an apparent reference to Noddy Holder of Slade’s song of the same name.

Thanh Xuân residents reported hearing an explosion at around 7.08pm and shortly afterwards, Kennedy was apprehended by local police.

Reports that he had stripped naked and attempted to use his clothes to put out the blaze are as of yet unconfirmed, but probably true.

A statement issued by Hanoi’s Christmas Commissioner suggested that other Christmas parties may be cancelled for the foreseeable future, citing Kennedy’s actions as grounds for banning festivities altogether. The Christmas Commissioner issued a statement that suggests he is considering turning the nation’s legendary anti-aircraft weaponry against Santa should he be sighted, in apparent retaliation for Kennedy's destructive actions. "Not one reindeer will be spared."

Speaking from his holding cell the following morning, a bleary-eyed Kennedy spoke with The Durian, “Some party huh? I’m definitely fired, aren’t I?”

More on this story as it develops, until then season’s beatings from The Durian.

The Durian is a satirical news outlet, all of our stories are completely fictional, designed only to amuse and entertain. Any resemblance to people living or dead is purely coincidental and in no way intended to hurt your feelings. Sorry for pointing out the obvious, but there’s an abundance of humourless morons out there.