The Durian - Hanoi's Smelliest News: December 2018

Hanoi’s New Year’s resolutions for 2019 revealed

Hanoi – Speaking exclusively with The Durian in a moment of festive earnestness, the Vietnamese capital city, Hanoi, revealed its New Year’s resolutions for 2019 over a nice jug of bia hoi.

“I know it’s not really a thing that I’ve ever taken too seriously – we’ve got our own New Year’s celebration coming up in just a few weeks, but I felt that now is the time to just give the whole ‘new year, new me’ thing a go,” stated the city of Hanoi as it took a moment to reflect on the comings and goings of its nearly 8 million inhabitants.

“I can’t guarantee I’ll stick to these,” said Hanoi, smashing a wry smile, “but we can see what sticks!”

Explaining that while self-improvement wasn’t just the sole preserve of millennials who could no longer squeeze their gelatinous forms into yoga pants, the Vietnamese capital noted that even a city as old as itself could still find time to change its ways, or maybe some of them.

“I think 2019 could really be the year we all get the hang of those indicator things on our bikes,” it said, “Blinkers, turn signals, whatever you call them – I’ve been meaning to figure out what to do with them for years now, but there just never seems to be time between rush hours to really work on it and I’m still not totally sure I’ve figured out this horn honking business yet.”

Given the enduring nature of this mysterious function that has been bestowed upon all motorcycles across Hanoi, it remains unclear whether the bustling metropolis will ever come to grips with the use of the indicator.

“Maybe, and this is a big one, not just hiring the first English Teacher to rock up to their demo class with a ukulele and TEFL certificate they’ve printed off the internet,” Hanoi stated.

“I deserve so much better than another acoustic version of ‘Somewhere over the Rainbow’ warbled out by some Canadian teenybopper trying to find himself in Southeast Asia and so do the students,” it added.

Hanoi also expressed a desire to snap the texting fingers and thumbs off any English teacher taking to social media to complain about paying 10,000VND more than a local for a 30,000VND bowl of phở, noting “They earn fucking crazy money here, more than they would back home in most cases, so maybe for 2019, you could stop being a whiny fuckwit and just enjoy living in me?”

“It’d be nice if we could all stop burning so much trash too, but it’s gonna be pretty fucking cold for the first few months of 2019 – my nipples could cut glass, or they would if I had nipples, but I obviously don’t – I’m a city.” Hanoi added, before continuing to muse on the mass bonfires of discarded rubbish that blight the city’s face, “All the same, I don’t see many other capital cities burning the shit they don’t need any more on a daily basis, quit making me seem like a dick in 2019? Please?”

“Fuck! I totally forgot, helmets!” cheered the 8 million strong city, “Totally gotta get on this whole helmet bandwagon this year.”

Noting that there were some elements of itself that Hanoi would like to change over the coming year, there were certain things that were off-limits.

“I ain’t doing shit about my diet – if you don’t like Bún chả you can fuck off to Bangkok with your elephant pants and prance around the Khao San road,” the Vietnamese capital chuckled, “and you can prize my bia hoi out of my cold dead hands, don’t even try it punk.”

"Basically, fuck the 'New Year, New Me' wankers, I plan to be the same crazy, beautiful mess I've always been - come at me 2019!" Hanoi exclaimed with vigour.

From The Durian and Hanoi, we hope that 2019 makes up for the skidmark of a year that’s now, thankfully, sliding to an end.

The Durian is a satirical news outlet, all of our stories are completely fictional, designed only to amuse and entertain. Any resemblance to people living or dead is purely coincidental and in no way intended to hurt your feelings. Sorry for pointing out the obvious, but there’s an abundance of humourless morons out there.

Ride-hailing app CFO embroiled in late-night jousting calamity

Hai Bà Trưng, Hanoi – An undercover investigation by The Durian has seen the CFO of ride-hailing app, Snatch, embroiled in an underground late-night jousting operation. Footage obtained by The Durian has implicated Snatch’s Chief Financial Officer, Quach Van Ban, in what appears to be an illegal gambling operation, where Snatch drivers are forced to drive at each other with lances.

Allegations that Quach has been financing the jousting ring that has so far seen countless drivers impaled and mangled have been strenuously denied by Snatch. The ride-hailing company issued a statement over social media this morning.

“Quach is neither aware, nor complicit in this vicious rumour, the sole purpose of which is to defame and besmirch the good name of Snatch,” the statement read, “We have complied thoroughly with the relevant authorities and have filed a formal complaint to media watchdogs for the irresponsible reporting of The Durian.”

“Snatch is a family-oriented family,” the statement continued, “and we hope to continue Snatching people in Vietnam long after these rumours are put to bed.”

Despite this, The Durian has collected numerous videos and hours of testimony from Snatch drivers who claim they were offered the chance to joust against their colleagues, known colloquially throughout the company as “wage supplementation opportunities.”

On the condition of anonymity, one former Snatch driver, known only as Andy, spoke to The Durian reporters. Andy has been in the intensive care unit at Đừng Chết private clinic for over two weeks and after a lance tore out one of his kidneys during a late-night jousting match.

Andy also claims that Quach has personally been paying his medical bills, but doctors at Đừng Chết have expressed concerns that Andy may never be able to drink bia hoi again.

“There’s nothing quite like it,” explained Andy from his hospital bed, “The rush of charging headlong at another driver at 40, sometimes 50kmp/h with a fucking lance is a bit more stimulating than ferrying fat English teachers to and from Tây Hồ, although for the injuries I’ve seen, it’s just not worth it.”

Andy claims that Quach initiated the jousting ring, encouraging Snatch drivers to take part in jousts that take place at multiple discreet locations across the city, usually in the dead of night.

“Anywhere with a good straight road works fine,” explained Andy, “The main thing is getting the lances supplied in time, it’s the only part of the operation that I haven’t seen for myself, where the fuck do you get a 4ft wooden lance made in Hanoi?”

Speculating on Quach’s motives, Andy suggested that it was initially financed solely by Quach, as a sort of sadistic passion project, but as the jousting momentum grew, Snatch’s own money was funnelled into the operation. Quach has reportedly authorised payments to be made to winners, showing up in payslips as simply, “overtime.”

“The problem is that once you’re in, you’re hooked – the money’s just too good and [Quach] won’t let you quit, not without losing your job.” Andy’s problem is not unique, as many former drivers have reportedly been silenced with out of court settlements.

“He’s got the power to make sure you can’t even get work as a Xe ôm,” he added, cautiously whispering so the nurses wouldn’t hear.

With the death toll rising, increased public awareness and the potential for an internal investigation into Snatch’s jousting policy, the pressure is mounting for Quach to resign.

The question on everyone’s lips is where can I watch this spectacle and how much cash should I bring?

This is The Durian reporting on an ongoing investigation and we will have the latest for you as we get it.

Academic Manager gets pretty wild at Christmas party

Thanh Xuân, Hanoi – Hanoi’s fire brigade are now at the scene tackling a blaze that began some hours ago, after Academic Manager, David ‘Dave’ Kennedy, got pretty wild at his English language centre’s Christmas party, detonating an illegal Taiwanese firework indoors, screaming “It’s Christmas!”

Scenes of depravity and degradation greeted colleagues attending the English language centre work Christmas party this evening. Party attendees were treated to a rare scene of jovial behaviour from Kennedy, before things got out of hand and caught fire.

According to sources, mostly consisting of English teachers, children too young to name and their progenitors, the affair was a quiet social gathering considered little more than a courteous nod in the direction of the Eezee Inglisch’s foreign staff, but the events that followed have shaken the city’s faith in the festive season.

Those present could not have prepared themselves for the festive fuck-up that was about to make itself nakedly known to them.

“It all started so innocently,” said Jessie Pinkers, a US citizen who considered Kennedy her manager – and a pretty average one at that – until just a few hours ago.

“Y’know, it was like any other work party, nobody really wanted to be there, everyone was prepping their excuses.”

Still shivering and draped in an emergency services blanket, Pinkers added, “There was a depressingly limited spread of food and drinks, but it was only when David insisted on everyone calling him Dave that we began to notice he was getting merry... well, frankly he was shitfaced.”

Pinkers, along with her colleagues and the now disgraced Kennedy, had been enjoying boiled chicken, orange segments and a vodka fruit punch from a coolbox, but early estimates suggest that Kennedy had made his own preparations for libations.

“Mr David had a special bottle,” recalled a visibly shaken Eezee Inglisch Teaching Assistant, who wished to remain anonymous, “He said it was his happy juice and that he drank it for stamina, but looking back on tonight’s events, I think it might have been whiskey.”

“I think he’d definitely lost his job even before the explosion,” the unknown TA continued, “He was hitting on a student’s mum, claiming he was an ‘English gentleman’ – he’s Canadian.”

The Durian has uncovered that it was only after the vodka punch had run out that Kennedy’s behaviour became erratic, when he reportedly broke a child’s wrist in an arm-wrestling competition, put the corresponding parent in a headlock and scurried through his bag to recover an unidentified explosive device.

“I got this in Taiwan,” Kennedy was overheard saying, “Oughta get Christmas off to a bang,” he reportedly chuckled.

Kennedy was reportedly swigging from his “special bottle” while lighting the fuse on the 12 inch firework in the confines of his former classroom. According to sources, parents were forced to evacuate with their children. As fellow teachers and Eezee Inglisch staff fled the room, numerous reports have been filed stating that Kennedy could be heard screaming, “It’s Christmas!” in an apparent reference to Noddy Holder of Slade’s song of the same name.

Thanh Xuân residents reported hearing an explosion at around 7.08pm and shortly afterwards, Kennedy was apprehended by local police.

Reports that he had stripped naked and attempted to use his clothes to put out the blaze are as of yet unconfirmed, but probably true.

A statement issued by Hanoi’s Christmas Commissioner suggested that other Christmas parties may be cancelled for the foreseeable future, citing Kennedy’s actions as grounds for banning festivities altogether. The Christmas Commissioner issued a statement that suggests he is considering turning the nation’s legendary anti-aircraft weaponry against Santa should he be sighted, in apparent retaliation for Kennedy's destructive actions. "Not one reindeer will be spared."

Speaking from his holding cell the following morning, a bleary-eyed Kennedy spoke with The Durian, “Some party huh? I’m definitely fired, aren’t I?”

More on this story as it develops, until then season’s beatings from The Durian.

14 hospitalised due to change in weather

Ba Đình, Hanoi – At least 14 people have been hospitalised following a mild change in weather in the Vietnamese capital of Hanoi.

As December rolls to a close like a derailed freight train, Hanoi’s weather has taken a turn for the agitated. Over the course of the past week, Hanoi’s weather has lashed out violently at the city’s inhabitants, leaving 14 people hospitalised and many more confused as to what the fuck they should wear.

Eyewitnesses on the ground have since given statements to the police, describing graphic scenes of cold humidity, rapidly followed by a perspiration-inducing heat, akin to the one day of British summer.

While experts remain vigilant in tracking the weather’s actions, doctors at Đừng Chết private clinic in Ba Đình district have issued a public health warning, as they expect the number of bedbound weather victims to rise.

“We know that many people are getting sick around this time of year, but really it’s nothing to worry about, it’s just the changing weather,” the statement issued through national media read, “So please don’t come to us claiming to have influenza, chest infections or even tuberculosis – we’re medical professionals and we assure you, it’s just that the weather has changed.”

Tây Hồ resident and self-appointed food critic, Jared Cohen, was recently involved in a traffic altercation with a bus and has since had two toes amputated at Đừng Chết private clinic.

“I was really worried at first, because I thought I’d been hit by a bus, but fortunately, it was just a slight change in weather – perfectly normal for this time of year,” said Cohen, speaking with The Durian reporters as he hobbled from his hospital bed to the toilet.

At press time, staff at Đừng Chết were taking special measures to ensure that the inevitable influx of weather-stricken patients could be suitably climate controlled.

English Teacher leaving Hanoi selling half-eaten burger on Facebook

Tây Hồ, Hanoi – In a desperate bid to raise funds before returning to her native home of America, unqualified English teacher, Cheryl Williams, has posted a series of items for sale on Facebook, including a half-eaten burger.

The since-deleted post was bravely wrestled to the ground, before it was subdued by The Durian reporters and will now live eternally as a screenshot of a scar on our collective conscience.

Williams’ post in popular Facebook group, Hanoi Massive Community has since seen her ridiculed as the entitled skidmark on society that she doubtless is after advertising that numerous items she’s been using in her life on a daily basis could now be yours for prices that proved marginally cheaper than buying any of the items new.

Despite earning in excess of $25 USD per hour as an English teacher, a position for which Williams is in no way qualified for, the befuddled American established new depths to which she could sink the expat community by attempting to flog a half-eaten burger, an assortment of presumably cold fries and a white plate over the internet.

Numerous users have taken to the social media platform to express their disgust, with one individual branding Williams “the worst thing to come out of America since Ronald Reagan trod this Earth with his tiny, little hooves.”

As the 23-year-old braces for an expensive one-way flight coupled with soaring rent prices and limited employment opportunities following a one year stint as an English teacher in Hanoi, Williams spoke exclusively with The Durian as our reporters grappled with the moral conundrum of defenestrating her as more trifling gibberish was spouted directly from her face-hole.

“Like I don’t know why people are so unhappy, burgers are great – sure this one’s not in mint condition, but it’s still visibly a burger and frankly, it’s probably more of a deal than people realise,” she explained, while our reporters forced back the urge to projectile vomit into her stupid face, “Besides, why wouldn’t someone want my used stuff? I wash my hands pretty regularly and besides, I’ve got, like, 30 coat-hangers or something, what am I supposed to do? Leave them for my successor so they can profit off them? No way – I ain’t some basic bitch, I love cash money!”

Responding to allegations that she was indeed acting like a basic bitch and that earning $25 USD should clearly negate the need to be selling items online such as swimming goggles, photocopied Vietnamese phrasebooks or framed photos of her and her family, let alone half-eaten burgers, Williams stated, “You don’t know my story, like, only God can judge me!”

“I can’t even,” she added, before storming out of the interview.

Hopefully no more on this story should it develop into further degrading calamity.

Quest Festival dead at five following short battle with bureaucracy

Sơn Tinh Camp, Hanoi – The festival formerly known as Quest has died, following a short semi-secret battle with bureaucracy. Quest Festival was just five years old.

The news broke on Quest’s official Facebook page on November 23^rd at approximately 7.45pm, following desperate attempts to revive Quest by onlookers armed only with eco-friendly face paint, glittery spandex and an unshakeable belief that positive energy and drum circles can solve any problem.

Despite spending hours sending good vibes, a sparkly array of young would-be hippies were devastated to learn that Quest had succumbed to complications brought on by its quasi-legal condition. Earlier reports that Quest had died of a fentanyl overdose turned out to be false, albeit plausible.

Within moments of announcing the festival’s demise, a publicly organised cigarette-lit vigil was held at Tây Hồ Water Park, where fans of Quest, driven to senseless intoxication by the news, held a moving tribute to the now deceased music festival.

“It still doesn’t feel real,” sobbed American reveller, Amelia Kant, “I booked the weekend off work, I spent weeks putting together this outfit – I was aiming for ABBA meets Princess Leia, but like, sexy and woke.

“Now though, I just don’t know – I don’t feel like a dancing queen, actually I feel pretty pissed off. I spent 2 million Dong on this tiara!

“All year I’ve been waiting to shiver my tits off in this spandex corset while waiting to shit in a muddy hole,” she said, adding that while yes, she could still go and find a portaloo in the forest to have sex in, it just wouldn’t be the same without a DJ she’d never heard of blaring in the background and glitter seeping into every orifice.

Whether overcome by grief at not being able to see a real live fire-eater or simply as a result of spending the day sipping hard liquor out of plastic water bottles, a change soon rippled through the crowd.

Within minutes, the mood had turned ugly and the mourners were baying for blood, taking to social media to express sentiments about heads and pikes and bemoan the shocking lack of vegan options in front of the blocked off campsite.

Sharp dividing lines were already splitting the shivering, half-rabid crowd of middle-class twenty-something-year-olds, as some began dealing exclusively in conspiracy theories, others illicit substances and some resorting to flashed bums.

“I heard Quest died back in September and like, they didn’t tell nobody, cause they thought they could book an imposter to come in at the last minute,” a man who wished to be identified only as ‘Cervical Celestial Traveller confided to The Durian’s reporters on the scene.

“Like we wouldn’t know the real Quest,” he snorted.

Other sought vengeance for their time and efforts spent channelling positive energy to the now deceased music and arts festival.

“Never in all my 23 years of life have I been so betrayed,” bellowed one hippy, blissfully intoxicated and unaware of the myriad betrayals his generation has borne in recent years.

“We’ve been sat here since 1pm, spent all afternoon drinking warm beer out in the sun, aligning our chakras to bring Quest back, but now it’s just gone and died, it’s just like, what a dick move, y’know?

“What am I supposed to do with a weekend off work and all these pills now that Quest’s dead?” he lamented, before realising what he’d just said.

Quest Festival would have been six years old this past November.

Hanoi woman concerned 10 kumquat trees won’t be enough to enjoy Tết

Ba Đình, Hanoi – A Hanoi woman is concerned that she doesn’t have enough trees in her home to ring in Tết (Lunar New Year) properly, while her neighbours’ houses could be mistaken for forests.

With Tết fast approaching, women across the capital have been working around the clock to prepare their houses for the annual festival, and 42-year-old Nguyen Thi Mai is no exception.

At first Nguyen bought one kumquat tree for Tết, thinking the solitary decoration would bring plenty of joy to her family, however she quickly realised no-one would actually enjoy themselves if they didn’t have at least one branch poking into their side.

“I decided to buy three more trees, and while I did worry about driving them home from the market, I decided to tie them precariously to my bike and make the 10km journey home in second gear down the wrong side of the road, as I’d rather die than suffer a Tết without sufficient foliage,” said Nguyen.

Soon after buying the new trees however, Nguyen saw her next-door neighbours, the Ngyuens, sign for a delivery of six kumquat trees, while her neighbours two doors down, also the Nguyens, had installed an indoor greenhouse to grow their own stash of sunflowers.

“I was left with no choice but to spend all my savings on another five trees, if my family come and see our neighbours have turned their house into a grove, how will they feel the cheer of a traditional Tết in my positively naked house? It’s a case of keeping up with the Nguyenses”, she explained.

While the economic benefits of the booming tree market are clear, the human cost has been devastating.

In the past week alone, three people have died in traffic accidents involving trees while one man was arrested on suspicion of attempting to trade his son for some peach blossom.

Authorities are scrambling to calm the tree-frenzy, but as one anonymous official admitted, “Stopping a woman with the scent of peach blossom in her nostril is impossible, anyone who stands between them and a beautiful, cosy Tết will surely be ripped to shreds.”

More on this story as we edge towards the brink of Tết.

Bank teller will need copy of your cycling proficiency certificate to process that request, sir

Hai Bà Trưng, Hanoi – A local bank teller was recently taken aback when an expat customer failed to provide the documentation required to see a copy of his bank statements.

Trinh Mai Mi, a WankBank employee in Hanoi, was last week asked by an anonymous British customer for copies of his bank statements, reportedly so he could take a picture of the first and only time he would have a bank balance of seven digits.

“He seemed to be in a strange mood and wasn’t very patient; he was staring angrily from the waiting area at me while I played my 2pm game of Candy Crush, as if I had something better to do or something,” an exasperated Trinh told The Durian.

Things only grew stranger after Trinh explained to the customer that he had insufficient evidence the bank account was his.

“He provided his passport, visa, a utility bill, his blood type, showed me his debit card, a letter from his doctor attesting his blood pressure was low enough to enjoy our services and a copy of his favourite book The Trial, but he’d forgotten his cycling proficiency certificate!” Trinh recalled.

The bank teller said she explained to the furious Brit that a recent policy change meant all foreign WankBank customers had to provide evidence of their ability to safely operate a bicycle when requesting three months or more of bank statements.

“He then started screaming about bureaucracy, how cycling had nothing to do with bank statements and how unfair the situation was, which was absurd, seeing as we sent a 1,000-word text message to his phone number at 6am on October 23^rd explaining the policy change in simple Vietnamese,” Trinh said.

Trinh noted the customer expressed some interest in closing his account, but left loudly and angrily after she told him he would need to provide a notarised copy of his great grandfather’s dog’s birth certificate to do so.

Cockroach disgusted to find nest of Tâys in home

Long Biên, Hanoi – Startled in the small hours of this morning, a local cockroach known only as Jeff was overcome with disgust after encountering what appeared to be a whole nest of Tâys inhabiting his home.

“It must’ve been three or four in the morning,” recounted a visibly shaken Jeff, “I’d just popped out of bed to visit the little roaches’ room and there it was, this great, hideous, pasty-white creature, lumbering about the place in some foul-smelling underwear.”

Stating that he felt physically repulsed at the sight of the large male Tây he found in his home, Jeff reluctantly embarked on an investigation of the entire house and was shocked to discover a thriving nest of the creatures that had somehow infiltrated the building.

“Well, you know what these filthy beasts are like; once you’ve found one of them, you just know there’ll be more lurking about somewhere.”

A thorough search of the house confirmed Jeff’s worst fears that his home had indeed become infested with an especially pale species of Tây – many of whom he feared may be teaching English on tourist visas.

Infamous for their characteristic ability to rapidly build nests and colonise entire homes, Jeff noted the more revolting properties of the Tây, such as sweating all year round, reeking of cheese and stale smoke while existing on little more than a diet of late-night takeout pizza and moral superiority. He couldn’t imagine how such an excessive infestation of Tâys had taken root.

“The swill and crusty misery that they seem to enjoy wallowing in – ugh!” he stated, shaking his head in shame, “I just never thought it would happen to me,” he added, before emitting a high-pitched clicking sound and scuttling off under the bath to think about how he’d let his life slide into such disrepair.

After recovering from the initial shock at the sheer degradation of his abode, Jeff reportedly entered a state of clarity about his own lifestyle choices. “For me it was a big wake-up call, you know? You start to let a few things slide and then the next thing you know, your house is crawling with these hairy freaks.”

“It could just be this time of year – the cold weather seems to drive a lot of critters crawling indoors, but this isn’t rats or mice or ants we’re talking about, those I can handle. These things don’t belong in a respectable home – not even in a gutter.”

At press time a decidedly embarrassed Jeff was waiting in a nearby trash pile as exterminators dragged out the gassed corpses of some dreadlock-sporting Tâys.

New housemate asserts dominance by shitting with bathroom door open

Ba Đình, Hanoi – Residents of a Đội Cấn house share were today treated to an unprecedented display of masculine dominance by new housemate, Ralph Waddington. Hunched over the porcelain potty, Waddington sat atop his new throne of defecation leaving the door to the only communal bathroom open in a ritualistic exhibition of unrivalled hubris.

With chinos hanging low around his considerable ankles, New Era snapback firmly affixed to his head, we can report that Waddington began emitting a series of mating calls unique to the lesser speckled lad, also known as the diet lad.

Ostensibly in Vietnam to teach English, Waddington is one of the many lesser speckled lads that have migrated eastwards in recent years, bringing their native culture of banter to Hanoi with shocking results.

Deborah Sanders, a current housemate of Waddington, found herself confronted with the half-naked diet lad noisily squeezing out the faecal equivalent of a dead racoon earlier this morning.

“First I heard this primal grunting coming from somewhere down the hall, it was this guttural sound, it couldn’t be human I thought, I mean, it was audible from my room and I thought it must be a particularly large rat or a dying stray dog, so I set out to investigate and BOOM! There he was, shitting with the door open.”

Frozen in place, transfixed by this overtly macho performance of eliminating metabolic waste, Sanders could say nothing, but reported that Waddington’s response to her contorted face of horror with a cool, unfazed “’Sup.”

Director of Studies for Anthropology at the University of Vietnam, Dr. Binh Nam, explained the shocking display as routine for the lesser speckled lad.

“What you need to bear in mind with the lesser speckled lad is that, as a species, they’re afflicted with such a crushing sense of inferiority that is, sadly, compounded by an inherent sense of entitlement that leads many of the younger specimens to feel a deep biological need to mark their territory, often with excrement – as with this case – or with a noxious scent that can be sprayed from either their oral or rectal glands.”

Concerned that Waddington’s display of machismo was in no way an isolated incident, Dr. Binh Nam continued.

“We’ve seen a growing number of migrating lesser speckled lads in Hanoi over the last five years, whereas previously their migration was seasonal, often arriving in packs for a few weeks or months at a time as they set out to ‘do’ southeast Asia on a gap year, we’re currently investigating the root causes of these increasing numbers and what can be done to curtail their more twattish traits.”

Waddington is reportedly still at large.

A current housemate of the Đội Cấn residence who wishes to remain anonymous spoke to The Durian.

“The sink was dry after he left, don’t ask what I was doing in there that soon after he’d taken a dump, but all I’m saying is that he’s out there, somewhere, with unwashed hands coated in particles of human shit, think about that the next time you hi-five a dude wearing a baseball cap in winter.”

At press time it is unclear whether or not Waddington flushed.

Karaoke Hopeful terrorises bleary-eyed audience with 7am street performance

Ba Đình, Hanoi – Shuffling through the streets at dawn while lugging his less than portable PA system, a local karaoke hopeful has stunned the residents of a small Ba Đình neighbourhood by belting out an unintelligible rendition of a song that, according to sources, consisted only of tortured vowels and relied heavily on an echo-effect emanating from the microphone.

A bloodthirsty red-eyed crowd arose from their beds irate shortly after 7am this morning as the melancholic melody of an unknown karaoke enthusiast shattered the early morning peace of the otherwise suburban community.

Colloquially dubbed “Not that twat again,” little appears to be known of the daybreak diva’s identity. Enraged local resident, Nguyen Thanh, confirmed that this was not the first time that his sleep had been brought to an abrupt end by the musical menace.

“Will our home never be set free from the tuneless tyranny of this ass-hat? What kind of monster would unleash such an auditory assault on us at such a godless hour – and while wearing wrap-around sunglasses to boot?”

Fellow resident of the afflicted Ba Đình neighbourhood, Hoang Linh agrees.

“We all love a good bit of the old karaoke, my man can’t resist a bit of Shania Twain when he’s had a few, but competing with the chained up dogs and the construction crew at that hour, it’s just too much.”

Speculating on the psychology of a man determined to bring his X Factor audition to a live bedbound audience at 7am, Hoang continued, “He sounded like a guinea pig that had been stepped on – it didn’t sound like he was too happy about it either, there was certainly an attempt at expressing some sort of soul-consuming spiritual, emotional anguish, but it was a bit early in the morning for anyone to give a shit.”

At press time the anonymous karaoke singer fled the scene some 20 minutes into his performance after being pelted with clump after clump of human faeces.

Panic grips office as colleague fails to wake up from lunchtime nap

Đống Đa, Hanoi – What started out as a lunch break like any other at a literally sleepy office in Phương Mai, Đống Đa District, escalated into a full-blown panic when 24 year old app developer, Nguyen Hoang, failed to wake from his post-lunch nap.

The bustling office in the city centre has only been populated by app-cum-mobile games developer, T1M3 K1LLA$ since April this year, but for many of the staff working there today, that’s already too soon to witness a casualty in the workplace.

During the authorised one and a half hour lunch break, the office was reportedly alive with the sounds of jocular camaraderie and eager chewing, but a routinely scheduled nap quickly got out of hand when colleagues noticed that Nguyen still hadn’t lifted his head from his desk almost an hour after lunch had ended.

Choking back tears, Tran Van Viet, a senior app developer famed for his involvement in the now viral Goat Simulator 4 game, stated that his colleague Nguyen had seemed fine throughout lunch.

“It all felt so normal – he absolutely inhaled his cơm gà. I just don’t understand how such a promising young man could be struck down in his prime like this, I know the weather’s changed, but this is just a huge, huge blow.”

Sources close to Nguyen confirmed that his final lunch was indeed a run of the mill ingestion experience, one that involved gorging rapidly on rice and chicken, staring abjectly at his phone in silence for some time before descending into slumber on his desk.

“He was so full of life, he just – he had so much more to give!” added Tran.

Dishevelled and distraught, Khanh Quinh, co-worker and sharer of Nguyen’s desk, spoke to The Durian to recount finding an unresponsive Nguyen face down next to his laptop.

“The lights came up and we all got back to work, but there was Hoang, still napping and I knew that he liked his naps, then I thought maybe it was down to the change in weather and that he was just extra tired or even that it might be a joke or something, but then when he wouldn’t wake up, it was just horrific.”

“I thought about trying to shake him,” finding the courage to go on despite herself, Khanh continued, “But y’know, boys are pretty gross, so I called a supervisor and now this,” motioning at Nguyen’s still form that, throughout the afternoon, hadn’t budged from his office napping position.

As cleaners diligently discarded empty Red Bull cans that had littered his workspace, a beaming Nguyen flashed our reporter a grin, “Is it working?” he whispered “I fucking hate this job.”

At press time, we understand that a dedicated Nguyen kept us his act through two candlelit vigils, an ambulance ride to the morgue and his own autopsy.

Man laid dying on road sure glad to have audience watching him

Yên Phụ, Hanoi – Immediately following what will soon prove to be a fatal roadside collision on Yên Phụ this evening, an unknown local man has stated he’s totally psyched that his final moments of earthly existence are being observed by countless passersby.

“Like I don’t even know these guys, dude, how fucking rad is that?” beamed the unnamed victim of Hanoi’s latest vehicular tragedy. Grossly misreading the silent judgement and socially curtailed sympathy that fellow motorists shared for him as he slowly and painfully bled to death on the tarmac, the unnamed man noted, “Sure, it blows that I’m dying – it blows hard – but it’s so good to see all these unfamiliar faces taking time out of their night to stare blankly at me.”

Despite the best efforts of the ambulance services, the Friday night rush hour traffic proved too dense for paramedics to reach the anonymous figure, who lay stretched out across Yên Phụ like a sad, discarded clod of human meat – a clod that has now garnered the full attention all of those driving on, around or even near Yên Phụ.

“I mean if I’d been asked, I probably would’ve just said something like, y’know, just a small intimate gathering of my nearest and dearest,” he reported to The Durian reporter on the scene, drawing her closer with his feeble, failing, agonised breath, “Y’know, that’s the sorta shit folks say when they wanna sound humble and all? Hell man, I feel like Pavarotti right now – scarring all these people mentally with my final moments, bleeding out on the world stage – hey, is this thing televised?”

Lacking the heart to inform the nameless and soon to be lifeless man before him, our reporter insisted on espousing the value of live-streaming videos, chiefly on account of the large swathes of passersby recording the dying man’s transcendence from this mortal plane to whatever awaits us beyond.

Given the large assortment of camera phones, producing varied, yet intimate footage that will naturally make its way across a wide array of social media channels, our reporter assured the moribund male that his legacy would doubtless be discussed briefly on various Facebook groups before conversation returned to Quest Festival’s dubious refund policy.

At the time of writing, the man, seeing his time among the living was coming to a climactic close, updated his Facebook status one last time to communicate that he was in fact “Feeling blessed” and adorned these poetic last words with an angel emoji.

Dodgy translation blamed for Hanoi honking

Hoàn Kiếm, Hanoi - In a breaking update to a previously-published report by The Durian (‘Send not to know for whom the horn honks, for it honks for you’), our investigative reporters have uncovered evidence that the excessive honking by Hanoi road users stems from an unfortunate mistranslation of a Haynes manual.

The Haynes manual in question – for the 1976-83 Ford Fiesta – was originally brought to Vietnam by an intrepid backpacker from Scunthorpe in the years shortly after the country was liberated. Coinciding with the rapid importation of cheap motorcycles, and a dearth of automotive expertise, ad-hoc mechanics began springing up along the capital city’s growing road network.

In a fit of generosity following an excessive “bia hoi sesh”, the owner of the Haynes manual offered to translate the document relying on his rudimentary Vietnamese.

In doing so, the young man inadvertently confused the word ‘brake’ for ‘horn’, leading to a generation of Vietnamese mechanics wiring the two together.

This unfortunate error meant that not only do most of Hanoi’s motorcycles beep when they brake, but newer road users have adopted this style of driving, understanding it as completely normal.

In addition to the mistranslation, approximately one third of the original manual – covering road safety and routine maintenance – was used to start a roadside fire and cook chicken.

Larry Lancaster, a long-term resident of Hanoi’s Backpacker Hostel, said he realised the fault after purchasing an alleged Honda Win for $20 and half a bottle of chili sauce.

“I bought the bike so I could get to Quest Festival, but once I was out of the noisy city I realised it was honking every two minutes. Nobody else seemed to notice.” Larry explained.

Haynes Publishing Group declined to comment for this article.

‘Lay a Tây’ dating app bound to get someone deported

Hai Bà Trưng, Hanoi - In what critics are calling the worst marketing blunder since Kendall Jenner boldly halted the deeply-rooted systemic racial prejudice of America’s police force armed with nothing but a can of Pepsi, local dating app, Lay a Tây, has been accused of neo-colonial approaches to romance.

Through sponsored ads appearing across social media, Lay a Tây’s controversial tagline, “A Tây is for your bedroom, not just the classroom” has been met with the ridicule it obviously deserves.

Stating she was outraged after looking up the meaning of the colloquialism “lay,” local bachelorette, Ms. Nguyen spoke exclusively to The Durian reporters to express her outrage.

“Why would I want to take a Tây home with me? The only Vietnamese they can speak is ‘hai bia’, you can’t take them to weddings as they refuse to eat delicious boiled chicken and they stink of the horrid cheeses they’re all addicted to” she said.

A spokesperson for Lay a Tây was contacted, but declined to comment.

The company has since put out a statement through their Instagram account claiming “We meant no harm in our jocular attempts to acquire fornication for the lovelorn westerners occupying Hanoi, it’s really more like a services exchange app – where users can swap explanations of the finer points regarding English grammar or renditions of Heads, Shoulders, Knees and Toes for sexual favours, which is really just a formalisation of many personal ads on Facebook groups when you think about it.”

At press time our reporters were questioning what kind of gutless cowards release statements through Instagram, and if this means they’ll have to download yet another soul and phone battery sucking app.

Hanoi all-female Nijutsu tournament kicks off

Cầu Giấy, Hanoi - The Hanoi all-female ninjutsu tournament opens for its fourth round this Friday, after last year’s champion Nguyen Thi Linh put down challenger, Pham Thuy Ngoc, in epic qualifying rounds earlier this summer.

The much anticipated final round of the martial arts tournament is the talk of the town, and commuters will notice the abundance of middle aged women hastily making their way to practice, proudly donning their ninjutsu attire while stretching their legs out to the side of their motorbikes in preparation.

“Driving to training while wearing my ninjutsu gear makes people steer clear of me in traffic,” says Ms. Hoang, a newfound practitioner of ninjutsu. “They stay away because they know I can do serious damage.”

Ninjutsu claims to be a martial art and originates from Japan, where no one with any sense participates because it’s complete bullshit.

The martial-art-come-dance-form was later adopted by dangerous all-female Vietnamese motorcycle gangs, who rode around the capital causing havoc on their Honda Lead motorcycles in the early 2010s.

Alongside engaging in combat with rival gang members, it’s believed that the gangs adopted ninjutsu as a means of warding off Chinese spies that were sent to infiltrate them with a vision to convince rogue members to sell illegally imported fruits, with durians reportedly among the batches intercepted by the gangs.

Now, almost a decade later, the fighting style is rarely seen being used outside of the dojo, or on the television during the annual tournament.

The Durian caught up with ninjutsu master Ms. Den (Ms. Black) in a dojo in Cầu Giấy District, which doubles up as a Zumba studio on weekends.

“We don’t advocate using violence,” says Ms. Den, whose anonymity was guaranteed by a Hello Kitty facemask, “But some do find our presence too intimidating to bear – you can really see the influence the marital art has on those who practice it,” she adds.

“They nudge forwards fearlessly into oncoming traffic, with no visible signs of concern for their own safety, or any consideration for those they’re blatantly cutting off.”

“They’re a force to be reckoned with,” Ms Den says, while slowly disappearing backwards into a hedge, keeping fixed eye contact with our reporter.

At press time our reporter couldn’t be reached by any conventional means of communication and his whereabouts remains unknown.

Man with offensive facial tattoo more than qualified to teach children

Tây Hồ, Hanoi - A Hanoi-based English language centre has defended its decision to employ a teacher who had the words ‘pussy monster’ tattooed on his face.

22-year-old Bret Carter, from the United States, was initially concerned that his spur-of-the-moment choice to permanently disfigure his face with ink would preclude any chance of gainful employment overseas.

Fortunately for Bret, his work studying for the 120-hour online TEFL course paid off, with the English centre management declaring him “a superb candidate.”

“We interviewed a number of English teachers for the position. However, Bret stood out because of his excellent qualifications,” said Nguyen Thi Nguyen, head of the establishment.

“Some parents did question the meaning of the tattoo. We explained that this was a traditional phrase of worship in Bret’s home province of Pennsylvania.”

Thanks to his diligent studies with easyonlinetefl4u.com, the young English teacher now earns more than 10 times the local average wage and can finally start paying back his overdue rent.

The tattoo session, administered by a friend, took place at a bar in Hanoi’s popular Tay Ho district. Bret recalls the fateful moment with pride.

“We spent a number of minutes discussing the best combination of words to tattoo on my face. In the end, I felt the phrase ‘pussy monster’ best represented my personality and ambitions,” Bret explains, clutching his crumpled TEFL certificate.

“The only downside is I have to cake my face in concealer when I Facetime my mother.”

Asked if he had any regrets, Bret said he just wished the lettering was “slightly larger.”

Send not to know for whom the horn honks, for it honks for you

Ba Đình, Hanoi - Advising Hanoians not to turn around to enquire as to who is honking their horn, nor try to ascertain whether or not the aforementioned horn is perhaps honking for you, a report from the Institute of Road Safety stated on Tuesday that the horn is indeed honking for you.

In a provision of sagely guidance to Hanoi’s motorists, the report also detailed that it mattered not whether you’re safely housed within a four-wheeled behemoth trundling down the narrow roads of the Vietnamese capital or whether you’re deftly careening from the furthest-left lane to make a tight right turn on one of 6.1 million motorbikes in the city, the horn is almost indubitably honking for you.

While critics of the report have cited that indeed, there are those who warrant no such honking of horns, the Institute of Road Safety’s report declares that any attempt to discern whether or not the horn is honking for you would be both foolish and myopic, given that the mortal bonds that bind us all will surely be loosed by the honking of a horn, for it is the fate of all Hanoians enciphered in this flesh to hear that familiar honking of the horn.

Furthermore, the report stated that it would be far more advisable in the interest of safety to maintain a fixed gaze away from any fellow motorists who may be attempting to garner your attention and that as a means to project a nigh-constant sense of common understanding of the principles of the horn, Hanoians should universally leave the left indicator blinking irrespective of whether or not the driver has any intention of turning left, right or stopping to take a phone call.

The report concluded that no amount of horn honking would ever alter the outright fucking uselessness of 98% of Hanoi’s motorists.

Confederation of Local Dealers considering legal action against Quest

Tây Hồ, Hanoi - Punters, vendors and even the organisers of the recently cancelled Quest festival have been getting a lot of sympathy, but one group of people that lost more than most have been forgotten, according to one local man.

“Won’t someone think of the shotters?” local drug dealer PiffLord420 asked The Durian’s reporters, speaking under condition of anonymity.

The seeming last-minute cancellation of Hanoi’s music, arts and culture festival on November 23 infuriated ticket-holders and food, drink and arts vendors who lost money on their supplies, but PiffLord420 explained how drug dealers had lost the most, and no one seems to care.

“It’s a fucking joke bruv, I stocked up big time on ostrich egg yolks, dried banana skins, unicorn tranquilisers and even got hold of a few hallucinogenic marsupials for those wanting an all-natural high, and for what?” he lamented.

PiffLord420 explained he was out almost $5,000 and with no similar large-scale drug orgy masquerading as a hippy love-fest coming up (bar an upcoming traditional gong festival in the Central Highlands which he said is “always a fucking stomper, mate”) he would be unable to recoup his investment.

“I massively inflate my prices at Quest, and sure I could stalk the Old Quarter every night and rip off tourists, but that sounds like a lot of work, and I didn’t become Hanoi’s top shotter so I could work hard, you get me fam?”

Like many who experience the slightest bit of adversity in the 21^st century, PiffLord420 said he plans to start a GoFundMe campaign to help assuage his financial woes.

Update: After being online for approximately two hours, PiffLord420’s GoFundMe campaign “Shoot man some P’s fam, bless up” had raised $15,000.

One donor with the username ‘LoveGearHateFeds’ pledged $100 and wrote: “We’re all just travelling on the same cosmic highway man, and we have to help out grand celestial shamans like PiffLord420 when they need it.”

Tạ Hiện Bar Manager says “Fuck it” before printing new menu listing price of handjobs

Hoàn Kiếm, Hanoi – Rod Menlove, manager of infamous Tạ Hiện late night haunt, Lower the Bar, reportedly uttered a solemn “Fuck it” before hitting print on his new and improved menu covering prices of beers, basic spirits, cocktails and sexual acts.

Sources close to Menlove disclosed the 32 year old former English teacher was apparently weighing up the conundrum for approximately five full minutes, before an audible “Fuck it” was heard from his office, followed by the unmistakable churning sound of close to thirty paper menus detailing a full breakdown of costs for drinks deals and intimate genital fondling.

Speaking with The Durian on the condition of anonymity, one employee stated she was optimistic about the new menu and the impact it would have on her clientele.

“For me it makes a lot of sense – fewer awkward moments where guys can demean me by low-balling, greater clarity for those too embarrassed to find out how much we need to be paid to touch them and it’s a much better way to promote the cocktail specials.”

Adding that she believed this sort of openness should be encouraged, she hopes it will bring a lot of new business to Lower the Bar, “I’m hoping to see a lot of new faces, maybe a few younger ones who aren’t going to ask me to marry them after just one vodka Redbull and a handjob, but whoever they are, I just hope they’ve learned enough from American foreign policy to know when to pull out.”

Menlove’s marketing marvel already appears to be a hit with the one regular customer allowed in before opening hours, prompting local fiend, Brett Scavanach to loudly exclaim, “I fucking love the comic sans type font man, that shit’s lit! Plus, now I can get receipts for my deductibles that don’t make me look like a fucking alcoholic, righteous!”

Detailing his deliberation on the matter, Menlove was apparently facing a creative dilemma and suffering from writer’s block that he claimed was brought on by too many balloons the previous night.