Man laid dying on road sure glad to have audience watching him

Yên Phụ, Hanoi – Immediately following what will soon prove to be a fatal roadside collision on Yên Phụ this evening, an unknown local man has stated he’s totally psyched that his final moments of earthly existence are being observed by countless passersby.

“Like I don’t even know these guys, dude, how fucking rad is that?” beamed the unnamed victim of Hanoi’s latest vehicular tragedy. Grossly misreading the silent judgement and socially curtailed sympathy that fellow motorists shared for him as he slowly and painfully bled to death on the tarmac, the unnamed man noted, “Sure, it blows that I’m dying – it blows hard – but it’s so good to see all these unfamiliar faces taking time out of their night to stare blankly at me.”

Despite the best efforts of the ambulance services, the Friday night rush hour traffic proved too dense for paramedics to reach the anonymous figure, who lay stretched out across Yên Phụ like a sad, discarded clod of human meat – a clod that has now garnered the full attention all of those driving on, around or even near Yên Phụ.

“I mean if I’d been asked, I probably would’ve just said something like, y’know, just a small intimate gathering of my nearest and dearest,” he reported to The Durian reporter on the scene, drawing her closer with his feeble, failing, agonised breath, “Y’know, that’s the sorta shit folks say when they wanna sound humble and all? Hell man, I feel like Pavarotti right now – scarring all these people mentally with my final moments, bleeding out on the world stage – hey, is this thing televised?”

Lacking the heart to inform the nameless and soon to be lifeless man before him, our reporter insisted on espousing the value of live-streaming videos, chiefly on account of the large swathes of passersby recording the dying man’s transcendence from this mortal plane to whatever awaits us beyond.

Given the large assortment of camera phones, producing varied, yet intimate footage that will naturally make its way across a wide array of social media channels, our reporter assured the moribund male that his legacy would doubtless be discussed briefly on various Facebook groups before conversation returned to Quest Festival’s dubious refund policy.

At the time of writing, the man, seeing his time among the living was coming to a climactic close, updated his Facebook status one last time to communicate that he was in fact “Feeling blessed” and adorned these poetic last words with an angel emoji.

The Durian is a satirical news outlet, all of our stories are completely fictional, designed only to amuse and entertain. Any resemblance to people living or dead is purely coincidental and in no way intended to hurt your feelings. Sorry for pointing out the obvious, but there’s an abundance of humourless morons out there.