Delays to Hanoi Metro project blamed on sharks on construction sites

Hà Đông, Hanoi – Hanoi Metro has been one of the Vietnamese capital’s most eagerly anticipated construction projects, but with delays and excuses mounting, has the public lost faith in the city’s most ambitious public transport policies?

As the project enters its eighth year, officials have today disappointed rail-enthusiasts with an announcement that there will be no announcement regarding the opening of the much-anticipated Metro network.

When pressed for details, officials familiar with the project claimed that the delays were an inevitable side effect of sharks eating construction workers.

“As I understand the situation, the problem presented by sharks causing delays in Vietnam appears to have expanded in scope and scale,” claimed one contractor who wished to remain anonymous.

“And yes – we’re very much aware that sharks are fish,” he added, “But you have to believe us when we say that they are the chief culprits behind all delays on the construction of Hanoi’s Metro system.”

The Hanoi Metro, now estimated to have cost Vietnam $868 million, remains a constipated squeeze towards progress in the bowels of the city, but officials were quick to assure reporters for The Durian that sharks were to blame.

“If you need to point fingers anywhere, I think you’ll clearly find the sharks are to blame – see, it’s right here in this press release,” shouted a high-vis clad individual before scampering off into the construction site in Hà Đông.

This is not the first time that Vietnam has fallen prey to the ferocious appetite of sharks, who – despite a severely limited presence in Vietnamese waters – have been cited as the reason for slow internet on numerous occasions in the past.

Speaking with The Durian via two cups joined by a piece of string, marine biologist and shark attack survivor Dwayne Dedalia stated his doubts at the viability of such claims.

“Having felt the puncturing sting of a shark teeth tear through my flesh while in the ocean, I can say with some degree of authority that these claims of shark interference in land-based construction projects is laughable.”

Dedalia went on to explain that even if the sharks had been able to gain some sort of insight into the Hanoi Metro through years of chewing on data-rich internet cables, the concept that they had somehow developed legs, lungs, and “some sort of totally futuristic hazmat suit that lets them breathe on land” were beyond absurd.

This comes amid fresh calls from Vietnam’s netizens to legalise shark hunting for the sake of faster access to pornography and cute cats doing people things.

With pollution rapidly approaching uninhabitable levels across Vietnam’s urban areas, sources with a working knowledge of the Hanoi Metro project reported plans to implicate sharks in carbon emissions somehow.

No sharks could reached for comment at press time.