Hanoi woman concerned 10 kumquat trees won’t be enough to enjoy Tết - The Durian - Hanoi's Smelliest News

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Hanoi woman concerned 10 kumquat trees won’t be enough to enjoy Tết


Ba Đình, Hanoi – A Hanoi woman is concerned that she doesn’t have enough trees in her home to ring in Tết (Lunar New Year) properly, while her neighbours’ houses could be mistaken for forests.

With Tết fast approaching, women across the capital have been working around the clock to prepare their houses for the annual festival, and 42-year-old Nguyen Thi Mai is no exception.

At first Nguyen bought one kumquat tree for Tết, thinking the solitary decoration would bring plenty of joy to her family, however she quickly realised no-one would actually enjoy themselves if they didn’t have at least one branch poking into their side.

“I decided to buy three more trees, and while I did worry about driving them home from the market, I decided to tie them precariously to my bike and make the 10km journey home in second gear down the wrong side of the road, as I’d rather die than suffer a Tết without sufficient foliage,” said Nguyen.

Soon after buying the new trees however, Nguyen saw her next-door neighbours, the Ngyuens, sign for a delivery of six kumquat trees, while her neighbours two doors down, also the Nguyens, had installed an indoor greenhouse to grow their own stash of sunflowers.

“I was left with no choice but to spend all my savings on another five trees, if my family come and see our neighbours have turned their house into a grove, how will they feel the cheer of a traditional Tết in my positively naked house? It’s a case of keeping up with the Nguyenses”, she explained.

While the economic benefits of the booming tree market are clear, the human cost has been devastating.

In the past week alone, three people have died in traffic accidents involving trees while one man was arrested on suspicion of attempting to trade his son for some peach blossom.

Authorities are scrambling to calm the tree-frenzy, but as one anonymous official admitted, “Stopping a woman with the scent of peach blossom in her nostril is impossible, anyone who stands between them and a beautiful, cosy Tết will surely be ripped to shreds.”

More on this story as we edge towards the brink of Tết.



The Durian is a satirical news outlet, all of our stories are completely fictional, designed only to amuse and entertain. Any resemblance to people living or dead is purely coincidental and in no way intended to hurt your feelings. Sorry for pointing out the obvious, but there’s an abundance of humourless morons out there.

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