Countless Hanoians to perish as first British-Chinese takeaway set to open this week - The Durian - Hanoi's Smelliest News

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Countless Hanoians to perish as first British-Chinese takeaway set to open this week


Hoàn Kiếm, Hanoi – Experts are predicting that the streets of Vietnam’s capital will run red with blood as thousands of expats clamber over the corpses of the fallen to get a taste of Great Wall Hanoi Takeaway, the first foray into British-Chinese food for the city of 9 million.

Confirming that an untold number lives will be lost in the scramble to scoff down as many sweet and sour pork balls as humanly possible, experts state that the bloodshed set to follow such ravenous enthusiasm for chicken chow mein will overshadow anything thus far witnessed by the nation.

“Based on the models that we’ve run, it is clear to us that the situation is far grimmer than we could’ve imagined,” explained Dr. Campbell of the Institute for Hunger Cravings.

“We grossly underestimated the powerful, all-consuming lust that many Britons are filled with at the mere mention of what they consider to be ‘Chinese’ food.

“The chances of survival during this soft opening period are that of a blind toddler facing up against Floyd Mayweather,” he continued, “All of our research indicates that expats and locals alike are set to lose their minds in a sauce-slathered frenzy of British-Chinese takeaway and will stop at nothing short of murderous violence in order to consume it.”

Speaking exclusively with The Durian from an undisclosed location, owner of Great Wall Hanoi Takeaway, Wang Yong, expressed delight at the forthcoming bloodbath.

“My family so proud!” squealed Yong with delight, “Back home, people fight outside my parent shop many time, but now they fight because food – not beer, this progress!”

Noting that Hanoi’s foreigner community has often been fractured, fragile and altogether flimsy over the years, Yong hopes to reignite a sense of community fostered by a love for Chinese takeaway that people will be prepared to kill for.

“Growing up in UK, many idiot say ‘You not British’ so I say, this not Chinese init bruv and give them food, they like it, but fucking idiot vote Brexit and now, restaurant fucked, init,” he explained. “My food – Great Wall Takeaway – make everything better, my promise!”

Despite long held beliefs that it would take a catastrophic existentially-threatening event to bring society to its knees, experts have today been dismayed to learn that all it would take is the release of British-Chinese takeaway food into a previously untapped market.

With the majority of Hanoians expected to be trampled to death or brutally beaten with brooms in the first few hours of Great Wall Takeaway’s opening, Dr. Campbell confirmed that those who initially survive are most likely to die participating in forced gladiatorial combat events that will probably take place in the Thunderdome battle royale hellscape that awaits when sweet and sour chicken balls replace the Dong as currency.

Yong has since offered to console Dr. Campbell with a lifetime supply of chow mein, which is expected to include about four or five meals.

“I love Vietnam, but no Chinese restaurant like back home make me sad,” mused Yong as he checked and rechecked the barricades at his secret bunker deep underground.

“So I make Great Wall Takeaway best meal of life, init, worth fight for, worth die for, for sure!”

The Durian has since armed its reporters with trowels and GoPro cameras to bring you the very best in street violence that is sure to engulf the city following the advent of a new Chinese food takeaway.


The Durian is a satirical news outlet, all of our stories are completely fictional, designed only to amuse and entertain. Any resemblance to people living or dead is purely coincidental and in no way intended to hurt your feelings. Sorry for pointing out the obvious, but there’s an abundance of humourless morons out there.

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