Vietnamese Football Fan addicted to driving around in circles

Hoàn Kiếm, Hanoi – A Hanoi man has spoken out about his own personal hell in an effort to warn others of the dangers of addiction.

However, it’s not booze or drugs this man is hooked on, but driving round and round in circles waving a Vietnamese flag and beeping his horn.

“It all started back in January during the AFC U23 Championships,” Nguyen Di Bao, 23, told The Durian, while he absent-mindedly circled Hoàn Kiếm Lake on his red Honda Wave.

“We beat Qatar in the semi-finals and I was overcome with joy, so like everyone else, I just started driving round and round. It’s the purest expression of joy I can imagine” he explained.

Unlike most of the revellers enjoying the historic moment, Di Bao didn’t stop driving until the day of the final, a full four days later.

“I just couldn’t seem to stop, the thrill of driving in circles while making as much noise as I possibly could was just too much of a rush, a break from the norm. It was all I could do to tear myself off my bike to watch the final, which was physically tough too as I had blisters the size of lychees covering my ass.”

Though Vietnam lost the final to Uzbekistan in agonising fashion, Di Bao and thousands of others took to the streets to celebrate, but yet again, he took things overboard and with a dedication to driving in circles not even seen in one-toothed NASCAR drivers, circled the city for a week.

“I relieved myself in empty bottles of petrol after filling my bike up, ate only what I could consume with one hand and took naps while on long straights like Phạm Văn Đồng and Yên Phụ. I think I only caused two or three fatal accidents while unconscious, which is a win in my book” he noted.

Since slipping into this perilous literal loop of addiction, his girlfriend had left him after Di Bao revealed he was no longer able to orgasm unless being choked by a red headband.

With no significant international football tournaments for a few months, Di Bao thought he would be able to kick what had become a destructive habit, but instead he found himself seeking out reasons to hit the street for a fix.

“If an 11-year-old Vietnamese kid came third in a chess tournament in Belarus, I would celebrate. If I stumbled upon an Instagram post espousing how beautiful a koi pond in Đắk Lắk was, I would celebrate. It got to the point where I was out every night for hours,” Di Bao said.

This routine carried on until August and the Asian Games, where Vietnam made it to the semi-finals.

“Things really got out of hand during the Asian Games. I was snorting 100% pure ground coffee beans constantly so I could keep going for the entire tournament. I thought I would get some respite when we were knocked out, but those beautiful bastards kept on winning!”

There would be no let up for Di Bao though, as Vietnam won the AFF Cup in December. Worse still, they lifted the trophy in Hanoi.

“I went berserk. I figured out which bus had the players on it, and just kept circling it as it made its way into downtown. It was quite dangerous and the bus nearly crushed me several times, but I would have died happy knowing Coach Park would be the one to scrape my entrails off the side of the road.”

There is some hope for Di Bao, as in the last few days he finally stopped celebrating the AFF Cup win and took the time to defecate in an actual toilet and borrow some money from his family to begin paying off the astronomical petrol bills he has racked up.

“I’m going to get back on my feet literally and figuratively. I can’t quit cold turkey though, so I’ve decided to taper off with a few laps of Hồ Ba Mẫu every night while blowing a whistle quietly,” he told The Durian, with something approaching hope in his eyes.

However, with Vietnam in the midst of the Asian Cup tournament, Di Bao will need all his strength to resist a habit that has almost ruined him.

While he’s withstood the urge to give in to his cravings so far, largely thanks to locking himself inside Circle K bathrooms and huffing glue, Di Bao trembled with fear when The Durian informed him the national team take on Yemen tonight.

“There’s ANOTHER game tonight? Fuck me! The gorgeous gits will probably win this one too! I’ll have to get the petrol tank on my bike enlarged.”

The Durian is a satirical news outlet, all of our stories are completely fictional, designed only to amuse and entertain. Any resemblance to people living or dead is purely coincidental and in no way intended to hurt your feelings. Sorry for pointing out the obvious, but there’s an abundance of humourless morons out there.