Nội Bài International Airport, Hanoi – It’s Fear and
Loathing in Hanoi as a flustered Donald Trump and Kim Jong-un were seen charging
through the airport in a mad dash to hit the immigration desk before their
hostel owner reports them.
There were visible sparks flying between the two as they
bickered their way out of a taxi, allegedly without paying, or stopping to
remove the toilet paper that had become attached to Trump’s foot. Clearly,
something, somewhere had gone horribly wrong on the much-ridiculed “Backpacking
for Peace” Southeast Asian tour.
Our reporter retraced their steps from the night before.
Claiming that the pair had overslept and then made a less
than discreet run for it, fellow backpacker Dean Hamilton, 19, stated that a
drunken Kim had been carried to bed in the shared dorm room by Trump at
approximately 3.15am this morning.
“I just remember this huge scene kicking off sometime after
3am,” recalls Hamilton, “Someone had told Kim Jong-un to keep it down or
something and he just flew off the handle, yelling about nuking everyone,
nuking their mums and Trump – that dude was trying to be chill about it, but
even in the dark, you could tell he was scared.”
“I’m not surprised they did a runner,” added Hamilton, “I
saw Trump’s tiny little hands all over the place last night, he was like a
particularly gropey spider, but large, orange, and humanoid. He wasn’t even
drinking.”
While owner of Beds,
Bugs & Beyond was unavailable for comment, airport CCTV showed an
irate, apparently unpaid taxi driver chasing them into Nội Bài International
Airport before being wrestled to the ground by airport security.
Speaking exclusively with The Durian as he trampled over a small child on the way to the
immigration checkpoint, North Korean Supreme Leader, digital disruptor, and
would-be influencer Kim Jong-un claimed, “We had no choice man, that place was
skanky and I totes forgot I booked us on the earlier flight to Bangkok, we
could take a later one, but we’d miss our connection to Chiang Mai.”
Stopping to mop the sweat from his supreme brow, the North
Korean leader confided to our reporter that he was too hungover to deal with
Trump’s shit and had deliberately booked a seat on a separate aisle.
Trump echoed his backpacking buddy’s sentiment in a
characteristically unedifying and incoherent statement, “People say we didn’t
pay, that’s fake news, people – they know nothing, these people, nothing, I’m a
very rich guy, one of the richest, too rich some people say, not me, but that’s
what people say, they say ‘He’s very successful, sure, but he’s too rich’ – I’m
unpresidently rich and I’m a winner, I’m gonna win at immigration, I’m gonna
win at catching this flight, and I’m gonna win at this full moon party Kim’s
taking me to, great guy, Kim, short, but great, tremendous eye for parties, I
love parties, love them, except the crooked Democrats, they won’t pay for my
trip, they’d rather pay for illegal immigrants.”
Reports stated that the pair were just inches from the
security checkpoint when they descended into visceral, verbal violence as it
emerged that the passports of both world leaders were in fact still behind the
desk at Beds, Bugs & Beyond.
It may be too early to speculate on the outcome of this ugly
spat, but as authorities surrounded the pair with guns drawn, it signalled a
premature end to the “Backpacking for Peace” Southeast Asian tour that promised
so much and delivered little more than memes and hours of reportage that nobody
asked for.
Detained and indicted for absconding without paying, Trump
and Kim are set to appear in court later this month, but for the time being,
their journey together enters a new phase as they await trial behind bars at an
undisclosed location in Hanoi.
More on this sphincter-tightening story as it develops.
The Durian is a
satirical news outlet, all of our stories are completely fictional, designed
only to amuse and entertain. Any resemblance to people living or dead is purely
coincidental and in no way intended to hurt your feelings. Sorry for pointing
out the obvious, but there’s an abundance of humourless morons out there.
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