Tây Hồ bar to sacrifice and serve dog as peace offering

Tây Hồ, Hanoi – The Hanoi bar at the heart of the ‘Dogshitgate’ controversy that erupted over the weekend is attempting to repair its reputation by ceremonially slaughtering a dog and offering expatriates the first bites of the grilled pooch.

The owners of Apooni, a popular late-night expat haunt known for its ambience of stale piss and regret, were accused of temporarily detaining and assaulting an American female this past weekend, following reports that she had cleaned dog shit from her shoe in their bathroom.

The netizens of Hanoi reacted in a typically graceful and measured manner, with only a few hundred plus comment threads on the subject across the various cesspools of healing crystals and casual sexism that make up Hanoi’s expat Facebook groups.

Speaking exclusively to The Durian Dương Vật Nhỏ, the owner of Apooni, explained he had been “shocked” at the online backlash.

“I didn’t understand I had done anything wrong, until I saw the Hanoi Massive posts. It was only after I sat down to read the sage advice from TEFL holders cum philosophers that I understood – what I had done must have been wrong,” he said, while installing public free-to-use shoe cleaning equipment outside his establishment.

“But then I realised it couldn’t have been me that fucked up, for I have a penis. No, the bastard that started this whole shit-show was the dog what done the shit!”

Nhỏ soon found a beagle which he insisted was definitely the culprit, or at least equally guilty.

“He certainly looks the type to have dropped one in the path of that poor unsuspecting girl; he’s all shifty and keeps trying to sniff my ass, implying I did it or something! And even if he didn’t do that particular shit, he’s done plenty of others. Let he who is without shit hanging off their arse cast the first dingleberry, that’s what I say,” Nhỏ told us while drawing a ceremonial pentagram on the floor of Apooni.

While it remains to be seen how a community made up of dreadlocked trustafarians and vegan soothsayers will react to a reconciliatory feast of dog, the international response has been positive.

Reached via phone, US Secretary of State, Mike Pompeo, told The Durian that any attempt at rapprochement was to be applauded. “There was a real danger that an incident of this gravity could have escalated and undone all the hard work that both Vietnam and the United States have put into making our relationship stronger.”

“I’m just happy cooler heads prevailed and that we can all put this incident behind us, I was worried I’d have to fly back to Hanoi to sort this mess out! Now, I can sleep easily knowing all is well in Tây Hồ,” he said.

At least one West Lake resident is unhappy with the offering however, and has demanded even greater reparations than the ritual sacrifice of one dog.

Speaking under condition of anonymity and wearing a ‘V for Vendetta’ mask, the crusty hippy told The Durian that if the owners of Apooni were truly sorry, they would exterminate every single dog within the Tây Hồ area.

“Ever since this happened I’ve been petrified I’ll be the next to step in shit and be forced to commandeer a stranger's bathroom to clean my knock-off Vans! I’ve spent so much time staring at the floor my neck is killing me!” our source revealed.

“The only solution is to snuff the problem out at its root, and I’m sorry to say that means slitting every dog in Tây Hồ from neck to ass. It’s a quicker and more practical solution than teaching people not to assault one another with saliva or slaps, and while it may be unpalatable, hell I’m a vegan myself, there’s no way I could suffer the emotional distress of having to walk all the way home to my own bathroom to clean my shitty shoes.”

At time of press it remained unclear how far Nhỏ would go as he was occupied Googling dog and quinoa recipes.

The Durian is a satirical news outlet, all of our stories are completely fictional, designed only to amuse and entertain. Any resemblance to people living or dead is purely coincidental and in no way intended to hurt your feelings. Sorry for pointing out the obvious, but there’s an abundance of humourless morons out there.