RUMBLED: Authorities shut down factory found to be making fake English Teachers - The Durian - Hanoi's Smelliest News


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RUMBLED: Authorities shut down factory found to be making fake English Teachers

Vinh City, Nghệ An Province – Police in Nghệ An have uncovered an operation producing counterfeit English teachers near the Laos border. Following a daring late night raid, local police seized hundreds of poorly-manufactured English teachers.

It was a swift victory for Vietnamese authorities, making scores of arrests, including that of alleged ringleader, Nguyen Thi Cam Giang, 32.

Nguyen and her accomplices had been bio-engineering shoddy, fake English teachers and selling them to Hanoi and Ho Chi Minh City at a staggering profit. Some 3,200 imitation English teachers were seized in what has been dubbed “Operation Apollo” – so named after the oracular deity in Greek and Roman mythology.

Stating that they were still in the process of putting the pieces together, sifting through evidence and chasing up leads, authorities today assured the nation that counterfeit English teachers already in circulation would be easy to spot.

“The defects are clear, even to the untrained eye,” said Nguyen Minh Tan in a press conference. Nguyen, the Lead Investigator from the Steering Board for Combating Smuggling, Fraudulent Trading and Counterfeit Goods, went on to reassure the parents of students nationwide.

“While it appears that we’re dealing with a fairly well-organised operation here, the fake [English] teachers will display a distinctly low level of competence in the classroom, many will have sloping brows, missing limbs – we urge everyone to remain vigilant, but the situation is under control.”

Nguyen went on to detail the charges brought against Nguyen – the accused – including several counts of illegally constructing white people, sale of counterfeit goods, and fraud. She stands to serve up to 11 years in prison for her crimes.

The Durian has obtained exclusive access to documents suggesting that the relevant authorities in Hanoi and Ho Chi Minh City have been granted the right to ethically terminate counterfeit English teachers on sight.

Speaking in favour of the government’s decision to exterminate the fake English teachers now thought to be running amok in classrooms across the nation, Professor of Ethics, Nguyen Van Bach stated “It’s the only humane thing to do.”

“These tortured abominations will go on living a brief, brutal life at the mercy of Vietnam’s public school students,” he added, wiping a tear from his eye, “I know it sounds cruel, gunning them down like that, but nothing could be crueller than forcing them to go on living a life of pain and torment as they navigate the murderous bureaucracy of our education system.”

“Besides, the majority of their frontal cortex is only half-formed, so – like most English teachers – they’re scarcely sentient in a legal sense anyway.”

At press time reports of white people being shot arbitrarily were dismissed by authorities as a change in the weather.

The Durian is a satirical news outlet, all of our stories are completely fictional, designed only to amuse and entertain. Any resemblance to people living or dead is purely coincidental and in no way intended to hurt your feelings. Sorry for pointing out the obvious, but there’s an abundance of humourless morons out there.

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