Vinh City, Nghệ An Province – Police in Nghệ An have
uncovered an operation producing counterfeit English teachers near the Laos
border. Following a daring late night raid, local police seized hundreds of
poorly-manufactured English teachers.
It was a swift victory for Vietnamese authorities, making
scores of arrests, including that of alleged ringleader, Nguyen Thi Cam Giang,
32.
Nguyen and her accomplices had been bio-engineering shoddy,
fake English teachers and selling them to Hanoi and Ho Chi Minh City at a
staggering profit. Some 3,200 imitation English teachers were seized in what
has been dubbed “Operation Apollo” – so named after the oracular deity in Greek
and Roman mythology.
Stating that they were still in the process of putting the
pieces together, sifting through evidence and chasing up leads, authorities
today assured the nation that counterfeit English teachers already in
circulation would be easy to spot.
“The defects are clear, even to the untrained eye,” said Nguyen
Minh Tan in a press conference. Nguyen, the Lead Investigator from the Steering
Board for Combating Smuggling, Fraudulent Trading and Counterfeit Goods, went
on to reassure the parents of students nationwide.
“While it appears that we’re dealing with a fairly
well-organised operation here, the fake [English] teachers will display a
distinctly low level of competence in the classroom, many will have sloping
brows, missing limbs – we urge everyone to remain vigilant, but the situation
is under control.”
Nguyen went on to detail the charges brought against Nguyen
– the accused – including several counts of illegally constructing white
people, sale of counterfeit goods, and fraud. She stands to serve up to 11
years in prison for her crimes.
The Durian has
obtained exclusive access to documents suggesting that the relevant authorities
in Hanoi and Ho Chi Minh City have been granted the right to ethically
terminate counterfeit English teachers on sight.
Speaking in favour of the government’s decision to
exterminate the fake English teachers now thought to be running amok in
classrooms across the nation, Professor of Ethics, Nguyen Van Bach stated “It’s
the only humane thing to do.”
“These tortured abominations will go on living a brief,
brutal life at the mercy of Vietnam’s public school students,” he added, wiping
a tear from his eye, “I know it sounds cruel, gunning them down like that, but
nothing could be crueller than forcing them to go on living a life of pain and
torment as they navigate the murderous bureaucracy of our education system.”
“Besides, the majority of their frontal cortex is only
half-formed, so – like most English teachers – they’re scarcely sentient in a
legal sense anyway.”
At press time reports of white people being shot arbitrarily
were dismissed by authorities as a change in the weather.
The Durian is a
satirical news outlet, all of our stories are completely fictional, designed
only to amuse and entertain. Any resemblance to people living or dead is purely
coincidental and in no way intended to hurt your feelings. Sorry for pointing
out the obvious, but there’s an abundance of humourless morons out there.
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