Sentient Trump wig causing chaos in upscale hotel - The Durian - Hanoi's Smelliest News


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Sentient Trump wig causing chaos in upscale hotel

Nam Từ Liêm, Hanoi – While American President and all-round crotch-goblin, Donald Trump, may have left quite an impression following his summit with North Korean despot Kim Jong-un last week, it appears he also left behind one of his iconic wigs.

Reports have been flooding in claiming that said wig has now turned feral and has been viciously attacking staff and guests at the J.W Marriott earlier this morning. Sources on the ground have confirmed that the rampage has left at least three guests dead, with one bellboy in critical condition.

The building was swiftly evacuated by hotel management, with the sentient wig feasting on the flesh of anyone whose legs didn’t move fast enough. Police have since quarantined the area, but were unable to enter the building until the surviving guests and staff could be moved to safety.  

Speaking with The Durian, Mike Ulysses McCaw, a US tourist who was evacuated earlier this morning, said he saw the wig attacking a hotel maid.

“It was just chomping on her face, like that Alien movie y’know? Blood and face everywhere, so I didn’t have to think twice, I ran for it.”

When asked of the fate of the maid, McCaw claimed he had no choice but to leave her, “Look, I may be just a humble golf caddy to the stars, but this sort of shit would never happen in America – the only thing that can stop a bad wig with a taste for human flesh is a good guy with a gun.”

“Wait – is it treason to shoot the President’s wig though?” he added thoughtfully.

The striking, blonde hairpiece was reportedly making a break for an open window as riot police were able to make their way into the Marriott.

Our reporter on the scene was able to ascertain that, after a full sweep of the building, police found no trace of the wig. Despite this, police reported suspicious orange stains, possibly connected to Mr Trump, found smeared across the scene of the wig’s crimes, perhaps shedding some light on what the 45th US President got up to during his stay here.

The whereabouts of Trump’s forgotten wig is still unknown and police are advising anyone with a face to remain indoors, seal the windows, and approach any sentient wig they may come across with extreme caution.

More on this story as it rolls out of reality’s anus.

The Durian is a satirical news outlet, all of our stories are completely fictional, designed only to amuse and entertain. Any resemblance to people living or dead is purely coincidental and in no way intended to hurt your feelings. Sorry for pointing out the obvious, but there’s an abundance of humourless morons out there.

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