Clueless Backpacker has no idea he’s bottom of foreigner food chain

Hoàn Kiếm, Hanoi – Touching down into Hanoi’s infamous Old Quarter and as oblivious as the day he was born nude and shrieking, an utterly clueless backpacker is yet to cotton on to the simple fact that he will be the butt of all other foreigner’s jokes for the duration of his stay.

Despite having spent something close to 17 hours in transit from his native home, the UK, Derek Dalwhinnie had not even thought for a moment that he would be the lowest form of foreigner in Hanoi.

Sources close to Dalwhinnie noted that the swaggering saunter with which he carried himself into the taxi and his broad, unassuming smile undoubtedly meant that he remained blissfully ignorant to his perceived parasitic status within the foreigner community in the Vietnamese capital.

With an ear for the uninitiated’s language, his taxi driver saw to it that Dalwhinnie received a thorough welcome to Hanoi by charging him VND800,000 for his ride from the airport to his Old Quarter hostel.

Upon arriving Dalwhinnie bade an earnest farewell to the taxi driver and began his journey from white middle class male to the most looked-down-upon sentient foreigner in the nation.

“Get a load of this tool,” chirped a lesser-speckled English teacher as her and her herd of unqualified edutainment yuppies strolled past the mesmerised Dalwhinnie, “That’s the best he’ll smell all week!”

The gaggle of girls trotted on, with Dalwhinnie unaware of their goading jokes about his appearance, moral compass, and virility. He remained ignorant to the girls giggling, even as they remained completely ignorant of their own place within the hierarchy of foreigners in Hanoi. 

Sources close to the clods of bacteria grown in language centres stated that none of the girls were in any way willing to accept their status as inherently low-rent foreigners.

While Dalwhinnie grazed peacefully in the paddock of ignorance, The Durian tracked down Professor Xuan Ban Nam of the Foreigners Academic Research Trust (FART) – a think-tank that focuses on the behaviour of foreigners in Vietnam.

“While I would caution that it’s too early to say,” stated Professor Xuan over the phone, “It sounds as though his cocksure sense of confidence stems purely from a blissful state of naivety.”

“I’ve spent years studying the habits of these cheese-fiends,” added the Professor, “They are in fact social beings, despite their relatively low levels of engagement with Vietnamese culture, but they organise themselves within specific patterns, always ensuring that there is someone positioned directly below them – someone to reassure them that they’re not the dregs of society – and in spite of their differences, the expatriate community will gladly unite around the common cause of condemning the backpacker for they lack the agency, comprehension, and ultimately the will to respond in a retaliatory fashion.”

When pressed to fully disclose the hierarchy of foreigners to The Durian, Professor Xuan chuckled, “It’s really very simple, your garden-variety language centre yuppies make the lowest band of resident whiteys, then above them, the unqualified public school teachers and then further still, the qualified teachers at international schools.”

“Of course, there’s a whole separate band for professionals outside of education,” he added, “There are inexperienced alcoholics who’ve opened a bar and acquired a Vietnamese wife, then beyond you have the restaurant owners – mostly French – and then your white collar professionals, professional service types and of course, at the tippy-top, you’ve got the guys who write for spoof news sites.”

Relieved, our reporter took a long hard look down his nose at any and all foreigners in the vicinity, before prompting the Professor to continue.

“The gap-year loving, beg-packing, crusty, white-guy-with-dreads-and-a-ukulele on the prowl for cheap beer and exotic STDs has unwittingly become a bogeyman that has the power to bring the often splintered foreigner community together through a loathing of his elephant pants, his unkempt appearance, and his assumed ignorance to all judgements levied against him.”

Staff at the Wet Nights Hostel where Dalwhinnie was staying said they were unable to distinguish him from any of the bearded young white men intent on discovering themselves on a soul-searching voyage through Southeast Asia.

“It’s so lovely to be here,” Dalwhinnie stated while repairing his only pair of shoes for his three month journey with duct-tape found under his bed, “Walking right through a place so dramatically shaped by history – a past that has created such a vivid and engaging cultural experience is here before me now, in the present.”

“Though I’m still left wondering the polite price for a handjob and a spliff,” grinned Dalwhinnie from the confines of his stale bunk bed.

More on this story as it develops.

The Durian is a satirical news outlet, all of our stories are completely fictional, designed only to amuse and entertain. Any resemblance to people living or dead is purely coincidental and in no way intended to hurt your feelings. Sorry for pointing out the obvious, but there’s an abundance of humourless morons out there.