Delivery range of man’s favourite restaurant confirms God is dead - The Durian - Hanoi's Smelliest News


Home Top Ad

Responsive Ads Here

Delivery range of man’s favourite restaurant confirms God is dead

Thanh Xuân, Hanoi – Throwing himself back onto his bed with an audible sigh of exasperation, 31-year-old Gareth Barnes today learned his Thanh Xuân residence was considered too far for delivery by his favourite Hanoi restaurant, Culo Cazzo, and that God must be dead as a result.

According to sources, a dejected Barnes lay staring at the ceiling fan wondering how such an omnipotent, omnipresent and thoroughly benevolent being as God could possibly preside over Earth if Culo Cazzo couldn’t even deliver the measly few kilometres that separated their luscious fettuccine alfredo from his home.

“It’s just so eye-opening,” said Barnes to no-one in particular, “I mean, if having a creamy white pasta delivered to my door is too much to ask for, then what hope is there for the people of Syria, Yemen and all of us who suffer needlessly?”

Upon realising that he perhaps had it better than most and was in the luxurious position of being able to order a pizza while millions of people worldwide would have to hunt rats with a dirty, old shoe for their dinner tonight, Barnes wondered if he’d been overly harsh on the Almighty Lord and Creator.

Shaking his head, he later stated “No, he [The Light, The Shepherd, The Creator of All] must be dead. A living God wouldn’t allow such an injustice to occur to such a righteous man. I’m a good person and don’t deserve this, it was only last week I bought a pack of chewing gum off a man with no limbs!”

An abject Barnes reportedly motioned over to his phone, before going on to claim “This just fucking proves it.”

Unaware that he was on his feet now and speaking in a half-murmur to himself, Barnes continued, “Come friendly asteroids and wash this intolerable pain away in the cleansing fires of oblivion.”

Speaking exclusively with The Durian, Francesco ‘Frankie’ Palmisano, owner and manager of Culo Cazzo, claimed that this wasn’t the first time Barnes had been driven into an existential funk by his restaurant.

“One time we couldn’t get the parmesan we needed for his risotto and I found him trying to hang himself in the customer bathroom.”

Adding that while he felt a surge of pride to know that anyone could equate a lack of access to his food to the demise of the Alpha and reportedly the Omega, Palmisano felt he had no choice but to “ban the fucking psycho,” as he considered Barnes “a loose cannon.”

Sources confirmed that Barnes remained prone for some time before eventually staggering over to his phone and settling on a less reputable Italian restaurant.

The Durian is a satirical news outlet, all of our stories are completely fictional, designed only to amuse and entertain. Any resemblance to people living or dead is purely coincidental and in no way intended to hurt your feelings. Sorry for pointing out the obvious, but there’s an abundance of humourless morons out there.

No comments:

Post a Comment