Ciputra residents mock flimsy barbed wire outside Tây Hồ housing complex

Khu đô thị Ciputra, Hanoi – Noting that the razor-wire defence mounted by ambitious Tây Hồ urban developers was utterly useless, residents of Ciputra mocked the notorious foreign district of Hanoi without mercy or the presence of armed guards.

“Well I’d say bro, just look at this,” exclaimed Trayden Rufflin, as he and fellow Ciputra residents embarked on “urban safari” into the darkest bowels of Tây Hồ, “They’ve not even got manned gun turrets, let alone sentry gun defences, how quaint!”

Looking like the sort of arsehole you’d usually only see from the safety of your sofa while he presents a TV game show, Timeshare Manager by day and all-round wank-stain, Rufflin, 38, had earlier that morning enjoyed a liquid breakfast, quaffing cocktails at the Ciputra Club that inexplicably cost VND2,900,000 each.

“They’re part of a boutique, curated recipe,” explained Rufflin as he carefully stepped over a puddle, “Four parts gin, two parts brandy, and just a twist of orphan’s tears.”

“I’ll send it back if it’s anything more than a twist,” he added.

The party of four had allegedly drank enough to spend the afternoon “slumming it” in the sun, while marvelling at the lack of armed guards in a small Tây Hồ neighbourhood.

“But how can someone live like this?” asked a totally straight-faced Daphne McCloné, a 34-year-old retired corporate lawyer, “These hovels scarcely look large enough to house the help!”

The couple accompanying Ruffling and McCloné were reportedly traumatised by the sheer number of Vietnamese people living in Hanoi. The pair, later identified as Reginald Von Bloomington and Penelope Lithely – jewellers specialising in conflict diamonds – were reportedly struggling to comprehend the barbarism of Tô Ngọc Vân.

“It was all a bit of a shock,” Von Bloomington confided to The Durian reporters on the scene.

“I just never imagined myself in such a ruinous war-zone where...” tragically Von Bloomington’s sentence and life were both cut short as he walked into traffic while inspecting the overhead electrical wiring.

He was killed instantly by the impact of an English teacher on a Honda Wave. He is survived by his wife Jennifer Jollifer, his mistress Penelope Lithely, and swathes of illegitimate children.

Distraught by the demise of their fellow adventurer, the shell-shocked trio vowed never to leave Ciputra again and, with the assistance of their private security taskforce, scuttled back to the ostentatious holes from which they’d slithered.

At press time foreigners and locals were coming together to load the splattered remnants of Von Bloomington and the now-deceased English teacher that hit him onto a wooden cart, so that they could later be salvaged for parts.

The Durian is a satirical news outlet, all of our stories are completely fictional, designed only to amuse and entertain. Any resemblance to people living or dead is purely coincidental and in no way intended to hurt your feelings. Sorry for pointing out the obvious, but there’s an abundance of humourless morons out there.