Đống Đa, Hanoi – Documents handed to The Durian have today uncovered the truth behind the recent
Clean-up Challenge, a trend more viral than a savage outbreak of super
gonorrhoea at some far-flung Quest Festival of yesteryear.
The challenge, which has been encouraging wholesome,
environmentally sane behaviour is in fact the mean-spirited machination of a
devious few who are just really, very good at Photoshop.
While people across Vietnam have been acting in the best
interests of humanity’s long-term survival as a result of the Clean-up
Challenge, evidence we received today that we are yet to verify, read, or even
really stare at longer than you would a casual roadside fire in Hanoi, has
confirmed the worst.
Countless idealistic individuals have gotten off their
phones and taken to the streets, beaches, and sparse green patches of Vietnam
to rid the nation of discarded rubbish. The craze has seen people who don’t
want to watch the planet die a miserable choking death take “Before” and
“After” photos of the area they’ve cleaned up. The transformation of affected
areas has been both more stunning and easier to look at than even the most
skilled nose-job.
But The Durian can
reveal that these photos are merely the work of Photoshop enthusiasts sipping
cà phê sữa đá into the wee hours of the night.
With the rise of fake news, a term popularised by a fake
president, this bombshell series of documents has opened another festering
wound on the bloated carcass of trust.
Indeed, it begs the question – is anything we read online to
be believed these days?
The Durian met
with two young, optimistic, and enterprising teen participants of the Clean-up
Challenge to break this devastating news to them in person.
“Well, personally, I think whether it started as real or
fake, it’s inspired people to do something real,” explained nubile twerp with a
desire to create a habitable environment for generations to come, Nguyen Đéo Gà
Diep.
“The virality of this challenge has tapped into a collective
fear we all share about environmental sustainability,” added Nguyen’s
associate, Van Làm Tình, “It’s good so many people have responded to such an
urgent, universal crisis.”
Sickened to his core by such enthusiastic notions of
positivity and responsibility, especially from people who look like they have
their umbilical cords attached and tucked into their trousers, our reporter was
forced to flee to the nearest bar.
The online response to the Clean-up Challenge has not been
entirely positive though.
Anti-environmentalist and all-round human butt-plug, Justin
Jaffretto, took to social media while hiding behind his penguin profile picture to complain about the trend.
“It’s a bloody disgrace, where the hell am I supposed to
throw my litter now? I bet these libtards wouldn’t like it if they found me
rummaging through their garbage late at night and taking photos of all their
used condoms! They don’t even stop to think that maybe the places they’re
cleaning up was more aesthetically pleasing while covered in human debris –
inconsiderate snowflakes.”
While these revelations published today by The Durian may have individuals like
Jaffretto wanking themselves to sleep and throwing the ejaculate-sodden tissue
into a park, the extent of the fallout and what this means for the Clean-up
Challenge is yet to be seen.
Will people continue to actively make a positive impact on
their environment, or will they too simply take to Photoshop? Find out next
week as The Durian sends our reporter
undercover as a piece of garbage.
The Durian is a
satirical news outlet, all of our stories are completely fictional, designed
only to amuse and entertain. Any resemblance to people living or dead is purely
coincidental and in no way intended to hurt your feelings. Sorry for pointing
out the obvious, but there’s an abundance of humourless morons out there.
Whoever wrote this, just made my night 1000 times better (I lied). Love xxx
ReplyDeleteAbsolutely hilarious ��
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