Ba Đình, Hanoi – While most find Hanoi’s never-ending
construction work as much fun as a sandpaper handjob for the ears, one local expat
can’t get enough of the sounds of drills, hammers, and ripped Vietnamese men
ripping thuốc lào.
That’s because Richard Wrigglesworth, 32, can no longer
achieve orgasm without having his skull shaken by the sound of pneumatic
drilling and other construction noise.
“It all started when I moved here last June,” the small-time
barbiturate salesman turned English teacher from Loughborough told The Durian.
“I moved into a shared house, as I couldn’t afford my own
place by working 10 hours a week, which really says something about the housing
market here if you ask me. Anyway, I met this bird on Lay a Tây, which is like
Tinder, but where white men have a leg up for once, and brought her home for a
bit o’ the old hanky panky.”
However, before Wrigglesworth could give his date the
“greatest 30 seconds of her life”, disaster struck.
“She could hear my housemates arguing over which ass cheek
they should get their ‘Live, Love, Laugh’ tattoos on,” Wrigglesworth lamented,
“and she said she didn’t want anyone to hear us making sweet, sweet love. But
luckily, that’s when the drilling started.”
While his street’s fifth Vinmart was being constructed next
door, Wrigglesworth enjoyed a summer disappointing “countless” Vietnamese
woman, all to the rhythmic soundtrack of pneumatic drilling.
Once the construction work ended, Wrigglesworth had a bigger
problem. For the 32-year-old accident, it was about more than finding a new
noise to drown out the unimpressed grunts of his latest “conquest”.
“I had an empty house, bird round, rubbered up like a
Hanoian motorist in the rain, bish-bash-bosh, things are getting saucy, but I
can’t seem to make it to the finish line, if you catch my drift,” the respected
member of both the ESL and psy-trance communities explained.
Wrigglesworth found that months of screwing to the sounds of
screws being screwed and drilling to the sound of, well, drilling, had
triggered a Pavlovian response in his nether regions, whereby sexual climax was
associated with the sound of construction work.
This realisation led him to some dark places.
“Now I wank at construction sites whenever the workers take
a smoke, tea, or chit chat break, which is luckily every 30 minutes in Hanoi. I
was almost caught once, but played it off by doing the white, male pantomime.”
When reached by phone, coitus expert Ron Jeremy told The Durian that he had, since retiring
from the porn circuit, hired a permanent, live-in slap-funk bassist.
“I’m out of porn for good now, but those bass lines – the
vibrations man, they sent something through me,” confessed a weary Jeremy,
“Now, I’m in a loving relationship, happily married, but the only way I can
make good on my wedding vows – which were actually similar to a lot of my old
contracts actually – the only way I can do it is with that bass.”
“It was a bit tough at first, getting Linda to be cool with
someone else being in the room for our most intimate moments,” he added, “so we
went through a few trial runs, but now since we’ve got Ashley on a permanent
retainer as our marital bassist, things have been bigger and better.”
The Durian is a
satirical news outlet, all of our stories are completely fictional, designed
only to amuse and entertain. Any resemblance to people living or dead is purely
coincidental and in no way intended to hurt your feelings. Sorry for pointing
out the obvious, but there’s an abundance of humourless morons out there.
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