Local man unable to orgasm without pneumatic drilling in background - The Durian - Hanoi's Smelliest News


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Local man unable to orgasm without pneumatic drilling in background

Ba Đình, Hanoi – While most find Hanoi’s never-ending construction work as much fun as a sandpaper handjob for the ears, one local expat can’t get enough of the sounds of drills, hammers, and ripped Vietnamese men ripping thuốc lào.

That’s because Richard Wrigglesworth, 32, can no longer achieve orgasm without having his skull shaken by the sound of pneumatic drilling and other construction noise.

“It all started when I moved here last June,” the small-time barbiturate salesman turned English teacher from Loughborough told The Durian.

“I moved into a shared house, as I couldn’t afford my own place by working 10 hours a week, which really says something about the housing market here if you ask me. Anyway, I met this bird on Lay a Tây, which is like Tinder, but where white men have a leg up for once, and brought her home for a bit o’ the old hanky panky.”

However, before Wrigglesworth could give his date the “greatest 30 seconds of her life”, disaster struck.

“She could hear my housemates arguing over which ass cheek they should get their ‘Live, Love, Laugh’ tattoos on,” Wrigglesworth lamented, “and she said she didn’t want anyone to hear us making sweet, sweet love. But luckily, that’s when the drilling started.”

While his street’s fifth Vinmart was being constructed next door, Wrigglesworth enjoyed a summer disappointing “countless” Vietnamese woman, all to the rhythmic soundtrack of pneumatic drilling.

Once the construction work ended, Wrigglesworth had a bigger problem. For the 32-year-old accident, it was about more than finding a new noise to drown out the unimpressed grunts of his latest “conquest”.

“I had an empty house, bird round, rubbered up like a Hanoian motorist in the rain, bish-bash-bosh, things are getting saucy, but I can’t seem to make it to the finish line, if you catch my drift,” the respected member of both the ESL and psy-trance communities explained.

Wrigglesworth found that months of screwing to the sounds of screws being screwed and drilling to the sound of, well, drilling, had triggered a Pavlovian response in his nether regions, whereby sexual climax was associated with the sound of construction work.

This realisation led him to some dark places.

“Now I wank at construction sites whenever the workers take a smoke, tea, or chit chat break, which is luckily every 30 minutes in Hanoi. I was almost caught once, but played it off by doing the white, male pantomime.”

When reached by phone, coitus expert Ron Jeremy told The Durian that he had, since retiring from the porn circuit, hired a permanent, live-in slap-funk bassist.

“I’m out of porn for good now, but those bass lines – the vibrations man, they sent something through me,” confessed a weary Jeremy, “Now, I’m in a loving relationship, happily married, but the only way I can make good on my wedding vows – which were actually similar to a lot of my old contracts actually – the only way I can do it is with that bass.”

“It was a bit tough at first, getting Linda to be cool with someone else being in the room for our most intimate moments,” he added, “so we went through a few trial runs, but now since we’ve got Ashley on a permanent retainer as our marital bassist, things have been bigger and better.”

The Durian is a satirical news outlet, all of our stories are completely fictional, designed only to amuse and entertain. Any resemblance to people living or dead is purely coincidental and in no way intended to hurt your feelings. Sorry for pointing out the obvious, but there’s an abundance of humourless morons out there.

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