Revealed: bubble tea shops just a front for drugs

Ba Đình, Hanoi – Bubble tea shops are everywhere you look in Hanoi, supposedly because teenagers love drinking neon coloured ‘liquid’ and choking on lumps of boiled rubber.

The truth, however, is far more insidious, and The Durian can exclusively reveal that all bubble tea shops in Hanoi and, perhaps Vietnam, are simply fronting for an elaborate drug dealing operation.

While it may look like gelatinated globules of semen floating around in a Dulux colour range of pastel paints, bubble tea has remained inexplicably popular with the youth of Hanoi, but now The Durian can finally offer a concrete explanation.

Yes, gangsters have been peddling heroin, cocaine and methamphetamine out of well-known bubble tea chains like Bubblez4U’n’Me, TeaIzLyfe and SlurpMyGoo for close to two years.

The Durian was first tipped off to this shocking truth after one of our reporters made a purchase from Trà Thuốc Gây Nghiện on Giang Văn Minh Street.

“I had to see what all the fuss was, the queues outside had been fucking massive for months and I wanted to be the 400th person to write about teens hooked on bubble tea,” explained, Mr X, a freelance reporter who wished to remain anonymous so as not to be passed around Vietnamese prison like currency.

“I only had one sip – easily the worst taste balls have left in my mouth, so I threw it on the side of the street like any good Hanoian would, the stuff was absolute pish! But about an hour later I was having epiphanies while listening to Kid Cudi, Googling places that sell hemp in Hanoi, and trying to start a Kickstarter to bring Quest back, so I knew I was off my tits – what’s worse, I wanted more.”

Our freelancer has since been locked in a basement, with food and water intermittently lowered in via a system of pulleys until Mr X is feeling better.

This revelation launched an investigation into the shops across the city.

Fronting for drug deals was the only logical explanation, as there’s no reason for any economy to be able to support one place selling water with tapioca and food colouring, yet alone thousands.

“I opened my shop with good intentions, I’d heard they were doing well in Taiwan,” explained current bubble tea shop owner Mrs Y, also speaking under condition of anonymity.

“Just a few weeks in, I was nearly bankrupt – I had no customers, but the SlurpMyGoo shop across the road was always packed with kids gnashing their teeth and passing out from anticipation.

“I was then approached by someone who said he represented the ‘Funki Tea Boyz’. He said he could make my garbage tea irresistible for a small retainer, he said I could have the world! Oh God, what have I done?” Mrs Y sobbed, while sat on a throne of cash.

Mrs Y explained that initially, she just sprinkled some of the Boyz “funky powder” into her products, but before long customers were asking for pure, uncut bags of the flavouring, and she was rolling in the dough.

“I’m ashamed but I’m rich, so I sleep at night for the most part. To be honest, I’m stunned no one figured it out until now. It’s been a real eye-opener for what people will endure to get their next fix though,” she said.

If you know someone addicted to bubble tea, contact The Durian for more information on how to safely and humanely have them put down.

The Durian is a satirical news outlet, all of our stories are completely fictional, designed only to amuse and entertain. Any resemblance to people living or dead is purely coincidental and in no way intended to hurt your feelings. Sorry for pointing out the obvious, but there’s an abundance of humourless morons out there.