Tây Hồ, Hanoi – Smelting Pot Tiny Food Festival; a
day usually reserved for cosy, middle-class expressions of late-stage
capitalism where people exchange money for a mouthful of food served on a paper
doily, instead descended this weekend gone into an orgy of violence that has
left one person hospitalised and a further four in police custody.
“Smelting Pot has always hoped to push the boundaries of
culinary cultures – for example, our flambeed air tarts have sparked much joy
among those who can afford them, and the blue cheese & buffalo pigeon wings
have become an international success after Gordon Ramsey tweeted about them,”
stated Lola Crunkle, organiser of the long-running food festival in Hanoi, “So
I think it’s a bit unfair that the media has chosen to focus only on the
negatives.”
The negatives, in this case, being the inclusion of
Abra-Cadaver’s food stall, run by infamous Dutch chef, Hans von Grubber.
Grubber, 37, has made his mark on the global foodie scene for incorporating
human meat into his recipes.
Hanoians attending this month’s Smelting Pot were shocked to
see some of Grubber’s more creative concoctions on sale alongside the regular,
exorbitant sliders.
“We know the foodie community is always craving something
new, so this time we thought we’d pull out all the stops and invite Hans to
showcase his controversial dishes,” Crunkle said, in an apparent defence of her
decision to let a self-confessed cannibal loose in an enclosed space filled
with juicy, tender white people.
“There seemed to be a touch of irony to what he was doing,”
she added, “So we honestly, hand-on-heart, thought it would be harmless. This,
I now acknowledge, was wrong.”
Serving up his trademark broiled scalp, turmeric-toes
marinated in bone marrow and world-famous breakfast Justin skillet – a creative
twist on the breakfast skillet classic that uses assorted parts of men
exclusively named Justin – Grubber stole the show this weekend in
Hanoi, along with some internal organs.
The trouble reportedly began when Grubber, furious at the
lack of provisions for human meat, offered esteemed vegan classroom-ornament
Stefan Jollisburg of South Africa the chance to be eaten, live at the festival.
Drunkenly believing himself to be living in a period of
peak-irony, Jollisburg accepted the offer, but only when a butcher’s knife
pierced his stomach and Grubber’s assistants were reaching into the bleeding
wound to retrieve his innards did Jollisburg realise that this was no joke.
It took a cavalcade of assorted vegans, vegetarians,
pescatarians, and flexitarians to rescue Jollisburg from the Abra-Cadaver food
stall, but not before Grubber had allegedly performed an ad hoc lobotomy on the
young South African.
Sources state Jollisburg is undergoing treatment at Đừng Chết
private clinic, where doctors have pronounced him partially brain-dead, but have
confirmed he will be able to return to the classroom next week and still stands
a chance of scoring an above standard mark in his quarterly performance review.
“While we cannot defend the actions of Grubber or
Abra-Cadaver, I vehemently deny any part in the violence that took place,”
explained Crunkle, who has been detained along with Grubber and Abra-Cadaver
staff as part of a wider investigation into commercialised human consumption.
A spokesperson for Abra-Cadaver confirmed that a
misunderstanding between Smelting Pot organisers and Grubber regarding
the provision of human flesh had escalated unexpectedly, but stated that there
was an untapped market in Hanoi for white meat and that they hoped to attend
next month’s festival better prepared.
“We are deeply sorry for the egregious errors that took
place this weekend,” wrote Abra-Cadaver on social media, “But we do actively
encourage any humans with an interest in being cooked or eaten to apply to our
meat donor programme, especially those called Justin."
"It is our understanding
that Hanoi is awash with prime candidates, who – if successful – can spare
themselves the indignity of teaching English in a dimly neo-colonial fashion by
donating their flesh to Abra-Cadaver."
The statement continued, "We pride ourselves on using only
the tastiest, least STD-affected parts of the English teacher and we hope that
we can showcase our chefs’ talents at next month’s Smelting Pot Tiny Food
Festival.”
The Durian is a
satirical news outlet, all of our stories are completely fictional, designed
only to amuse and entertain. Any resemblance to people living or dead is purely
coincidental and in no way intended to hurt your feelings. Sorry for pointing
out the obvious, but there’s an abundance of humourless morons out there.
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