VietFly passengers eagerly anticipating landing so battle royale can begin

In this special dispatch filed from his cellular device, Geoffrey Hornswaggle brings you a report from an aircraft, shortly before descending into the belly of Hanoi.

With mere minutes to go before landing in the capital, the tension on board flight VF69-420 from Da Nang was rising as passengers braced for the traditional post-touchdown brawl.

From row one all the way back to 32, passengers are licking their lips furiously, sharpening their elbows, and making peace with their ancestors in preparation for the carnage to come when the plane lands. The Durian can exclusively report that all passengers aboard flight VF69-420 are bulging with bloodlust, waiting for the moment wheel meets tarmac, allowing them to leap to their feet, climb the chairs and begin raiding the overhead bins.

“See that sleeping grandmother in 27D? I’m about to make her my bitch,” one man said to me, with baggage lust in his eyes.

While the rest of this was flight was conducted in something close to civility, with only a few phone conversations during take-off and one half-hearted attempt at smoking in the bathroom, the vibrations took a turn for the wretched and depraved as soon as the pilot announced we would be landing soon.

Once the announcement ended, a blood-curdling scream echoed down the plane from the front row as the frailer passengers began to openly weep. One unidentified woman was heard wailing, “In the name of all that is holy have some mercy – it’s a Versace for crying out loud!”

In an attempt to find out exactly why every VietFly landing warrants scenes of blind, ugly violence, I decided to ask some of my fellow passengers – just what was driving them to gnaw on one another’s skulls in a bid to feast on the gooey innards?

“Well, once we’re allowed to stand up, I’m allowed to get my things. Waiting’s for suckers, and I ain’t no sucker. Foolish Tay,” said one teen, who was busy filing his fingernails into sharp points.

“I’ve been stuck in this seat for almost two hours and so it’s about time I physically expressed myself – violence is a beautiful medium” explained a middle-aged man.

We’re about to land now. I’m not sure I’ll make it, some of the others are arming themselves with knives and all I have is this flimsy 1999 Durian-issued laptop to defend myself with.

Delete my internet history and tell my family I wasted my life with them.

Since that report was filed, a small avalanche of severed limbs tumbled out of flight VF69-420’s cabin doors, with one blood-spattered passenger, clutching her luggage, emerging victorious.

The Durian is a satirical news outlet, all of our stories are completely fictional, designed only to amuse and entertain. Any resemblance to people living or dead is purely coincidental and in no way intended to hurt your feelings. Sorry for pointing out the obvious, but there’s an abundance of humourless morons out there.