Hoàn Kiếm, Hanoi – An American man vacationing in Hanoi as part of
a Southeast Asia backpacking trip was found unconscious at the edge of Hoàn Kiếm Lake this morning, with bloody stumps in place
of where his feet should have been.
Ben Jenkins, 25 from Seattle, reportedly went on a date with a local
woman he met on the popular matchmaking app, Lay a Tây, the evening prior to being found.
“We agreed to meet in the Old Quarter and walk around the lake,” said a
visibly shaken Jenkins, “I thought it sounded a bit boring, but that it would
be a good chance to wow her with my exotic backpacking stories. I normally lead
with the one about when I did Angkor Wat after a 24-hour booze, balloons, and mystery
powder bender.”
“I have a great photo of a pile of my puke in the foreground of one of
those shitty temples as the sun rises,” he added, “Majestic, man.”
According to testimony given by Jenkins to local police, the two walked
around Hoàn Kiếm Lake
six times before buying ice cream and sitting on a bench to chat about pets,
marriage, and intersectional feminism.
“After the ice cream we started walking again – I was beginning to
wonder if it’d ever end,” he says. “That’s when I lost sight of her in a group
of Koreans dressed as bananas.
“I would have just said fuck it and went to look for a happy ending
place, but I couldn’t work out the local SIM cards, so I just kept walking,
looking for her. Oh god, what have I done?”
Jenkins was found the next morning with pus and blood oozing out from
his mangled legs and third-degree brain freeze, presumably from eating copious
amounts of matcha ice cream.
His date on the evening in question has been identified as Nguyen Chi
Phuong, 23 from Hanoi.
The Durian was contacted the following afternoon by a man
who also claimed to have walked around the lake with Phuong, barely escaping
with his feet intact. He wished to remain anonymous.
The anonymous caller – Alexander Smythe, 24 from Nottingham, UK who
works at Fun Speak English Centre on 27B Nguyen Chi Thanh Street – told The Durian that he was subjected to an
evening of drinking bubble tea and walking around the same lake after meeting
Phuong on February 16th.
“She talked about how she wasn’t ready to get married yet,” said Smythe,
“But then she kept asking me if I wanted to marry a Vietnamese girl. To be
honest, I didn’t really get what she was after.
“We walked around the lake a couple of times and then I lost her in a
group of Koreans dressed as watermelons. I said, ‘fuck it’ and went to look for
a happy ending.”
Smythe traversed the lake a few more times before migrating to a nearby
craft beer bar which serves his favourite apricot fart infused beverages, where
it is believed he eventually blacked out and went back to the lake. He was
picked up by local police in the middle of the night circling a roundabout in a
cyclo.
Local police officer Pham Dang Duc confirmed that there have been
several reports of foreigners in Hanoi being left to wander aimlessly around
lakes like lost children in recent months. He was unwilling to comment on how
many had been found with mangled limbs.
“We pick them up and drop them at Spy Bar where they can drown their
sorrows,” said Duc, “They usually look very confused, but we just tell them
that it’s all okay and then they calm down.
“The Tây is
a solitary creature that adapts to the presence of other life forms by warming
itself up with alcohol, so one must take care not to startle it,” he added.
Duc also confirmed that the local authorities are aware of Korean
tourists dressed as fruit and that measures are being taken to contain the
situation.
At press time, our reporter was taking a picture for a Korean couple
dressed as cartons of milk.
The Durian is a
satirical news outlet, all of our stories are completely fictional, designed
only to amuse and entertain. Any resemblance to people living or dead is purely
coincidental and in no way intended to hurt your feelings. Sorry for pointing
out the obvious, but there’s an abundance of humourless morons out there.
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