“Actually, it’s pronounced ‘fuh’” says smartarse destined to die alone - The Durian - Hanoi's Smelliest News


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“Actually, it’s pronounced ‘fuh’” says smartarse destined to die alone

Tây Hồ, Hanoi – A foreigner has once again stunned Hanoi with his worldly wisdom by dropping an earth-shattering truth-bomb on the unsuspecting ears of the unlearned fools at a Tây Hồ eatery today.

Having consistently corrected both expats and locals on their pronunciation of Vietnamese dishes, Martin Osborne, one of Hanoi’s longest serving English teachers and self-styled foodie, is destined to die alone, following a lifetime of smug solitude.

The incident took place earlier today in Tây Hồ when a group of tourists were sitting down to a bowl of phở gà with their tour guide, when Osborne overheard their enthusiastic yet phonetically erroneous praise for the Vietnamese staple.

Approaching them, Osborne astutely corrected their mispronunciation with the self-satisfied smile of a man who’s just learnt to fellate himself.  

“To the untrained eye it looks like it should be pronounced ‘fo’," began the man who would one day have nobody to hold his hand in the icy purgatory of a hospital waiting room, "But when you’ve been here as long as I have, you start to pick up a finely-tuned ear for the local language.” concluded Osborne.

Osborne, who has reportedly floated around Hanoi like a turd that won’t flush for the last seven years, was seen flexing his intellectual prowess and further cementing his place in society as an friendless wankstain, incapable of loving or being loved in return.

Sources close to Osborne have confirmed that the oracular prophet remained gleefully oblivious to his reputation as a loudmouth twat, despite numerous interventions.

“We tried to explain to him over and over that correcting minor points of grammar hardly makes you a superior being,” explained Cong Viet Le, a former colleague of Osborne, “but he firmly believes that being able to name a few local dishes and having the ability to count to a hundred in Vietnamese makes him some sort of living god emperor.

“I mean seriously, I have a four-year-old son who makes [Osborne] sound like a strategically-shaven ape,” added Cong, “There's no way I'm lifting his [Osborne's] body down all those flights of stairs when he croaks it, alone, in a dingy flat.”

When reached for comment by The Durian Osborne claimed that “By interrupting people to tell them just how wrong they are saying ‘ban me’ instead of ‘bánh mì’, I’m providing a valuable educational service to the community,” seemingly unaware that his actions put him at a higher risk of choking to death on a microwave meal in total isolation.

Admitting that his “sublime genius” had cost him many relationships and friendships over the years, Osborne’s comments to our reporter suggest that he remains resolute to cough out the last of his life-force in the dank, cold confines of his ivory tower, entirely alone if not for an ageing stash of pornography that may one day crush him to death.

“Sure, some people can’t handle it when I correct them, but it’s better to completely stop them in the middle of their sentence, than to have them carry on making a fool of themselves in public.”

Our reporter’s interview with Osborne was unfortunately cut short when Osborne, catching glimpse of a white person bartering with a taxi driver, scampered off to revel in his own twattish ways.

At press time, sources close to Osborne confirmed that he had created yet another online dating profile.

The Durian is a satirical news outlet, all of our stories are completely fictional, designed only to amuse and entertain. Any resemblance to people living or dead is purely coincidental and in no way intended to hurt your feelings. Sorry for pointing out the obvious, but there’s an abundance of humourless morons out there.

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