Tây Hồ, Hanoi – A foreigner has once again stunned Hanoi
with his worldly wisdom by dropping an earth-shattering truth-bomb on the
unsuspecting ears of the unlearned fools at a Tây Hồ eatery today.
Having consistently corrected both expats and locals on
their pronunciation of Vietnamese dishes, Martin Osborne, one of Hanoi’s
longest serving English teachers and self-styled foodie, is destined to die
alone, following a lifetime of smug solitude.
The incident took place earlier today in Tây Hồ when a group
of tourists were sitting down to a bowl of phở gà with their tour guide, when
Osborne overheard their enthusiastic yet phonetically erroneous praise for the
Vietnamese staple.
Approaching them, Osborne astutely corrected their
mispronunciation with the self-satisfied smile of a man who’s just learnt to
fellate himself.
“To the untrained eye it looks like it should be pronounced ‘fo’," began the man who would one day have nobody to hold his hand in the icy purgatory of a hospital waiting room, "But
when you’ve been here as long as I have, you start to pick up a finely-tuned
ear for the local language.” concluded Osborne.
Osborne, who has reportedly floated around Hanoi like a turd
that won’t flush for the last seven years, was seen flexing his intellectual
prowess and further cementing his place in society as an friendless wankstain, incapable of loving or being loved in return.
Sources close to Osborne have confirmed that the oracular
prophet remained gleefully oblivious to his reputation as a loudmouth twat,
despite numerous interventions.
“We tried to explain to him over and over that correcting
minor points of grammar hardly makes you a superior being,” explained Cong Viet
Le, a former colleague of Osborne, “but he firmly believes that being able to
name a few local dishes and having the ability to count to a hundred in
Vietnamese makes him some sort of living god emperor.
“I mean seriously, I have a four-year-old son who makes
[Osborne] sound like a strategically-shaven ape,” added Cong, “There's no way I'm lifting his [Osborne's] body down all those flights of stairs when he croaks it, alone, in a dingy flat.”
When reached for comment by The Durian Osborne
claimed that “By interrupting people to tell them just how wrong they are
saying ‘ban me’ instead of ‘bánh mì’, I’m providing a valuable educational
service to the community,” seemingly unaware that his actions put him at a
higher risk of choking to death on a microwave meal in total isolation.
Admitting that his “sublime genius” had cost him many
relationships and friendships over the years, Osborne’s comments to our
reporter suggest that he remains resolute to cough out the last of his
life-force in the dank, cold confines of his ivory tower, entirely alone if not for an ageing stash of pornography that may one day crush him to death.
“Sure, some people can’t handle it when I correct them, but
it’s better to completely stop them in the middle of their sentence, than to
have them carry on making a fool of themselves in public.”
Our reporter’s interview with Osborne was unfortunately cut
short when Osborne, catching glimpse of a white person bartering with a taxi
driver, scampered off to revel in his own twattish ways.
At press time, sources close to Osborne confirmed that he had
created yet another online dating profile.
The Durian is a
satirical news outlet, all of our stories are completely fictional, designed
only to amuse and entertain. Any resemblance to people living or dead is purely
coincidental and in no way intended to hurt your feelings. Sorry for pointing
out the obvious, but there’s an abundance of humourless morons out there.
brillant
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