Hoàn Kiếm, Ha Noi – Though President Donald J Trump was
physically unable to fight in Vietnam some four decades ago, the POTUS has
since developed into a keyboard warrior the likes of which the world has never
seen.
Trump is currently travelling Asia with his arch-frenemy Kim
Jong Un, Supreme Leader of North Korea and aspiring digital nomad, on what has
been dubbed the “Backpacking for Peace” tour, but seemingly not everything has
lived up to the Donald’s expectations.
The leader of the free world demonstrated his prowess behind
a dimly lit blue screen again yesterday, leaving a scathing review on the
TripAdvisor page of Hanoi restaurant Bun Cha Huong Lien, aka Obama Bun Cha.
Trump’s predecessor Barack Obama made the hole-in-the-wall
eatery famous in 2016 when he stopped in for a bite and a beer with the late,
great Anthony Bourdain, but it seems noted cheeseburger and Diet Coke
connoisseur Trump was less than impressed with the Hanoi delicacy.
“If I had to choose a word – and I know many words, lots of
people say I have all the good words, remember that – I’d say overrated, ok? I heard
such tremendous things, ok, but I just don’t get it, nobody gets it. This guy
Obama, ok, he never got food, never understood it, that’s what everyone is
saying. Do we even know he came here? I never saw a visa, nobody else, the CIA,
the FBI, the IBM, they never said they saw it. Where is his certificate of
entry?” the review begins, after extensive review from editorial staff at The Durian managed to decipher the
grammatical minefield Trump had left online.
The 45th President of the United States of
America went on to lambast the cutlery options, which he is believed to have
described as “these long, fat toothpicks”, before querying the lack of ketchup,
promising to Make America Great Again by securing a trade deal on ketchup with
Vietnam and claiming to be “doing his bit” for bilateral relations by posting
his review to TripAdvisor.
As to the actual food, the POTUS expressed some confusion as
to the mechanics of bun cha consumption:
“What’s with the burger patties floating in the soup? I’ve
eaten at all the top restaurants, all of them, in fact, the KFCs, McDonalds,
Pizza Huts here, they’re begging, begging me to eat their food. So, you know, I
know a little bit about food, more than a little bit, actually. And I’ve never
seen burger patties floating in soup, even though I’ve been everywhere, by the
way.”
The review stumbled over a range of emojis that seemed to
imply further confusion on behalf of the Leader of the Free World, before
returning to a 7-year-old’s interpretation of English.
“By the way, Anthony, Anthony Bourdain, he wanted me on that show. Parts Under There or
whatever it was called. Because, you know, as I said, I know a thing or two
about food, and reality TV, you know. He says ‘Mr Trump I need you on the show,
we’re getting killed by the Apprentice in the ratings!’ And I said ‘Eh, Tony,
I’ll think about it, ok.’ I’m still killing him in the ratings, by the way,
even though he’s dead and I’m not. I was very sad he died. Tragedy. Like this
food!”
Reached for comment, Trump’s comrade Kim would only say, “It
was fine, like I would have preferred more grovelling and fear-induced heart
attacks at the mere sight of my presence from the waitresses, but whatever, he [Trump] is killing my buzz man, nobody even uses TripAdvisor anymore – but I’m working on a new food app called
#SlimKims.”
The Durian is a
satirical news outlet, all of our stories are completely fictional, designed
only to amuse and entertain. Any resemblance to people living or dead is purely
coincidental and in no way intended to hurt your feelings. Sorry for pointing
out the obvious, but there’s an abundance of humourless morons out there.
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