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Kim discovers internet, becomes digital nomad


Hoàn Kiếm, Hanoi - Just days into the much vaunted “Backpacking for Peace” tour of Southeast Asia a large, pretentious and horn-rimmed spanner has been thrown into the works, threatening to derail the entire trip and in turn, usher in a nuclear holocaust.

Kim Jong-un, supreme leader of North Korea and US President Don Trump’s backpacking soul brother, discovered the internet on his first visit to a Hanoi Starbucks on day one of the trip, and has since fomented plans to move to Chiang Mai and become a “digital nomad.”

While the so-called ‘Hermit Kingdom’ does have limited internet access, it is believed the supreme leader was positively overwhelmed by the amount of information readily available at his gilded fingertips as he scrolled an afternoon away in Hanoi.

“I love the internet, you know Al Gore is a good friend of mine, you know, nice guy, not a winner though. This guy Kim though, once he saw the tremendous – and it truly is tremendous – stuff you can do, with the pictures and words and that was it – bing-bing-bing-bing – he was gone. Sad,” lamented Trump between sips on his 33rd Diet Coke of the day.

Our correspondent corroborated the POTUS’s rambling, explaining the hereditary ruler of the DPRK had swiftly gone from viewing a few innocent cute cat videos, to injecting the dankest of memes directly into his eyeballs within minutes.

Before long, the internet-stricken leader had set up his own Upwork, LinkedIn and Medium pages as well as his own website (which has been classified for security reasons) to advertise his services as a “Virtual Assistant”.

On the “About Your Supreme Tasker” page of his personal website, Kim presents an enticing overview of his services:

“Ready for a break from the day to day labours of ruling your own glorious nation state? Want a weekend off from smiting your enemies and dictating righteous angry missives to your underlings? What you need is a bit of virtual assistance from me, your Supreme Tasker Kim Jong-un.”

Offering services including but not limited to “Optimising your pig-dog nemesis database,” “Photoshop Top Tips for the Rotund Rascal” and a boutique service, “Executing the Perfect Execution – How to Add that WOW Factor,” Kim told The Durian, via Slack of course, he was already inundated with requests.

“As it turns out, there are a lot of people out there looking for support services to optimise the running of their SMEs, social media channels or socialist utopias,” he explained, before sending us a video of a cat petting a puppy with the caption “OMG!!! Cute overload!!”

Experts suggested that the excessive use of exclamation marks may signal a strengthening of the nuclear bromance between Kim and Trump, even as the 45th President of the United States was seen sat in Hanoi’s sole branch of McDonalds alone for much of the day.

At press time Kim’s Instagram story, accompanied by numerous hashtags, including #RiseAndGrindBitches, #Hustlin’, and #I’mNotARocketmanImmaRockItMan had failed to gain any followers from North Korea.  



The Durian is a satirical news outlet, all of our stories are completely fictional, designed only to amuse and entertain. Any resemblance to people living or dead is purely coincidental and in no way intended to hurt your feelings. Sorry for pointing out the obvious, but there’s an abundance of humourless morons out there.

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