Hoàn Kiếm, Hanoi - Just days into the much vaunted “Backpacking for Peace” tour
of Southeast Asia a large, pretentious and horn-rimmed spanner has been thrown
into the works, threatening to derail the entire trip and in turn, usher in a
nuclear holocaust.
Kim Jong-un, supreme leader of North Korea and US President
Don Trump’s backpacking soul brother, discovered the internet on his first
visit to a Hanoi Starbucks on day one of the trip, and has since fomented plans
to move to Chiang Mai and become a “digital nomad.”
While the so-called ‘Hermit Kingdom’ does have limited
internet access, it is believed the supreme leader was positively overwhelmed
by the amount of information readily available at his gilded fingertips as he
scrolled an afternoon away in Hanoi.
“I love the internet, you know Al Gore is a good friend of
mine, you know, nice guy, not a winner though. This guy Kim though, once he saw
the tremendous – and it truly is tremendous – stuff you can do, with the
pictures and words and that was it – bing-bing-bing-bing – he was gone. Sad,” lamented Trump between sips on his 33rd Diet Coke of the day.
Our correspondent corroborated the POTUS’s rambling,
explaining the hereditary ruler of the DPRK had swiftly gone from viewing a few
innocent cute cat videos, to injecting the dankest of memes directly into his
eyeballs within minutes.
Before long, the internet-stricken leader had set up his own
Upwork, LinkedIn and Medium pages as well as his own website (which has been
classified for security reasons) to advertise his services as a “Virtual
Assistant”.
On the “About Your Supreme Tasker” page of his personal
website, Kim presents an enticing overview of his services:
“Ready for a break from the day to day labours of ruling
your own glorious nation state? Want a weekend off from smiting your enemies
and dictating righteous angry missives to your underlings? What you need is a
bit of virtual assistance from me, your Supreme Tasker Kim Jong-un.”
Offering services including but not limited to “Optimising
your pig-dog nemesis database,” “Photoshop Top Tips for the Rotund Rascal” and a
boutique service, “Executing the Perfect Execution – How to Add that WOW Factor,”
Kim told The Durian, via Slack of
course, he was already inundated with requests.
“As it turns out, there are a lot of people out there
looking for support services to optimise the running of their SMEs, social
media channels or socialist utopias,” he explained, before sending us a video
of a cat petting a puppy with the caption “OMG!!! Cute overload!!”
Experts suggested that the excessive use of exclamation
marks may signal a strengthening of the nuclear bromance between Kim and Trump,
even as the 45th President of the United States was seen sat in
Hanoi’s sole branch of McDonalds alone for much of the day.
At press time Kim’s Instagram story, accompanied by numerous
hashtags, including #RiseAndGrindBitches, #Hustlin’, and #I’mNotARocketmanImmaRockItMan
had failed to gain any followers from North Korea.
The Durian is a
satirical news outlet, all of our stories are completely fictional, designed
only to amuse and entertain. Any resemblance to people living or dead is purely
coincidental and in no way intended to hurt your feelings. Sorry for pointing
out the obvious, but there’s an abundance of humourless morons out there.
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