Kim and Trump’s backpacking tour of Southeast Asia to begin in Hanoi - The Durian - Hanoi's Smelliest News


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Kim and Trump’s backpacking tour of Southeast Asia to begin in Hanoi

Nội Bài International Airport, Hanoi – Donald J. Trump and Kim Jong-un today began their backpacking tour of Southeast Asia, landing in Hanoi earlier this morning.

Billed the “Backpacking for Peace” tour, the two world leaders are expected to travel around Southeast Asia together for much of the next year, until their respective economies collapse.

There was an electric atmosphere at Nội Bài International Airport today, for once not due to faulty wiring, but rather in anticipation of this historic moment.

In a joint press conference, Trump and Kim stated that, after much soul-searching, they had decided to forgo their differences and, in a bid to find themselves, would spend the foreseeable months travelling around Southeast Asia together.

“I love Hanoi, it’s a tremendous city, one of the best, they had John McCain, they had him and they said, y’know what they said to me?” asked the President of no-one in particular, “They said, ‘We don’t want him, he’s not a war hero, he was captured’ so now I’m here, it’s great,” exclaimed Trump.

“I never got to see Vietnam as a young man, and now, now I wish I had, it’s tremendous, most beautiful airport I’ve ever seen, ever, and I fly a lot, I fly, like, all the time, cause I’m, well y’know I’m a very important guy and the thing, the thing with important guys like me, is that well, obviously, they’ve gotta fly and that’s what Obama never got, yknow? He never flew – not once, believe me, I checked, he never flew and he never flew to Hanoi, this beautiful city, that I’m in, it’s a city and I’m in it, it’s beautiful, tremendously beautiful, a city...”

According to local press, the President of the United States continued on for some time until a senior aide gave him the signal to stop by wiping the dribble from his chin.

It was a sentiment that Kim echoed, “It’s so good to get some time off from thinking up nihilistic  rhetoric about nuclear holocausts,” he stated, caressing his stomach like it were a baby sloth and in doing so prompting speculation that the Supreme Leader of North Korea was less than satiated by the VietJet in-flight meal.

“I’m serious,” stated the Supreme Leader after finding his composure, “It’s always ‘Total annihilation’ this, and ‘thrice-cursed pig-jackals’ that, you have no idea how repetitive it gets out there, so yeah,” Kim let out a long exhale, “it’s just nice to take some time out.”

Senior Trump aides insisted that the President of the United States had described the tour as unprecedented, rather than the distinctly audible “unpresidented” that had escaped his aging mouth earlier today.

As Trump’s national emergency drags on in America, the Commander-in-Chief seemed remarkably at ease with senior aides attending to the President’s tie, while an embarrassed Kim looked on in earnest.

Confiding in The Durian, Kim expressed dismay that Trump hadn’t been allowed to make the trip unaccompanied.

“It’s just such a bummer that these secret service goons are gonna be there,” moaned an exasperated Kim, “It’s so fucking lame, man – this is supposed to be our trip and now we got all these big boys spoiling all the fun.”

“We just got here and he’s already ruining it,” whined Kim, “but at least he left that dork Pence at home, that bitch’ll scare off all the pussy,” the Supreme Leader flashed a smile.

At press time the world leaders’ taxi was forced to wait for a full 30 minutes as the pair continued to make jokes about paying with their Dong. This led to an escalation of Dong jokes the likes of which even 19-year-old Australian backpackers only chuckle at.

The Durian has managed to obtain press passes for the entirety of the Backpacking for Peace tour and will be bringing you live coverage from around Vietnam and Southeast Asia as this historic event wipes its arse over our collective memory.

The Durian is a satirical news outlet, all of our stories are completely fictional, designed only to amuse and entertain. Any resemblance to people living or dead is purely coincidental and in no way intended to hurt your feelings. Sorry for pointing out the obvious, but there’s an abundance of humourless morons out there.

1 comment:

  1. Pardon my French, but I don't know why there just ain't enough comments up in this b*tch. This kinda writing man, as an amateur writer I had a massive intellectual ejaculation every time I check out Durian's newest article. Kudos to you and your writing, my good sir~!