Tây Hồ, Hanoi – With a smile on his face and boundless love in
his heart, Nguyen So Hiep beams with pride as he watches his granddaughter
Duyen learn to pedal her pink bicycle, riding up and down a busy stretch of Yen
Phu Street at rush hour.
The four-year-old has taken to the streets of Hanoi like a duck
to water, pumping her feet in rhythm and deftly weaving in and out of the
trucks, motorbikes and gold-rimmed SUVs that hurtle past her.
“Nothing gives me greater joy than hearing the anguished
cries of buses and ice delivery drivers when she cuts them off and completely
ignores them. It reminds me of my carefree youth,” Hiep wistfully said to The Durian as he watched Duyen pedal the
wrong way down the street while playing a game of Candy Crush on her phone.
When asked whether it was sensible teaching a child still
not fully in control of their bowel movements to cycle on a busy road, Hiep
snorted so loudly he almost spat out what remains of his teeth.
“What’s the problem? I learned to cycle here as a child and
the roads weren’t even paved back then. Yes, it’s a little busy, but we can’t
coddle children or else they’ll never grow up. She has to learn to get back up
when she falls, dust herself off, rearrange her kneecaps into the correct
positions, argue her case in the ensuing traffic dispute, and get back on the
bike as if nothing happened,” he said.
Hiep is also explaining the finer points of cycling fashion
to his descendant and letting her know how important it is to dress properly on
the roads.
“Under no circumstances should she ever enjoy unrestricted
peripheral vision, how else is she going to learn to cycle as if she’s the only
person or thing using the road? I’ve made sure she has a hat, mask and scarf to
wear to keep her safe and blind.”
Nhanh Van Nhanh, owner of the Tay Ho-based driving school
YouDriveFast, told The Durian that
Duyen has a promising career as a road user ahead of her.
“All the greats start early. Anyone who ever caused a
traffic accident with four fatalities or more got on the roads by at least six,
so Duyen has a strong head start. If she has the necessary grit and
thoughtlessness required to flout all the laws of man and God on the roads and
thereby cause chaos and devastation every time she pops to the shops, she could
go all the way to the YouDriveFast Hall of Fame.”
While Hiep acknowledges Duyen has a long way to go before
she’s ready to hit the roads totally unsupervised, he has faith she’ll get
there sooner rather than later.
“She’s already dipping out from behind parked cars at the
last minute and finding other cyclists to talk to while they ride slowly,
stalling traffic behind them to a crawl,” he said with great pride, “She’s a
natural!”
The Durian is a
satirical news outlet, all of our stories are completely fictional, designed
only to amuse and entertain. Any resemblance to people living or dead is purely
coincidental and in no way intended to hurt your feelings. Sorry for pointing
out the obvious, but there’s an abundance of humourless morons out there.
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