Tây Hồ, Hanoi - Local cretin and “educator,” Stacey Hopkinson,
was hospitalised on Monday after a particularly strenuous holistic wellness
session left her chundering fecal matter on Tô Ngọc Vân.
In attempting to rebalance her life force or some bullshit,
Stacey attended a meditation class hosted by well-known Mystic Dave, who has lingered
around Hanoi like a damp, bearded fart, parting a number of credulous fools
from their hard-earned English-teaching salaries.
“I had been feeling a lot of negative energy recently. I was
really disconnected from the universe. Dave usually sorts me out, but I guess I
just pushed my chakras too hard this time.” Stacey explained from her rancid
hospital bed.
A reporter from The
Durian was unable to find the shaman from Milton Keynes in the fog of
incense that enveloped his squalid flat. However, he did respond to enquiries on
Facebook Messenger.
Spiritual life-coach Dave declined to provide his prices,
although a brief investigation by The
Durian revealed he was charging $70 per hour of nonsense, and $100 if he
whacked a small metal bowl during the scam session.
Dave assured our reporter that he had undergone intensive
training on YouTube and was certified by the internet-based Institute of Health
Sience. It is unclear whether the alternative spelling of ‘science’ was
intentional.
“After chanting and listening to Enya for 45 minutes I was
feeling a bit woozy, so I stepped out for some fresh air. That’s when I barfed
crap all over the pavement. I recognised the substance almost immediately as
the quinoa salad and wheatgrass smoothie I had for lunch.” Stacey said between
bouts of gagging.
This isn’t the first incident of its kind. Last year, a group
of 10 dupes required emergency treatment after eating a bowl of quartz crystals
to bring emotional stability to their colons. Doctors were able to remove the
stones rectally from nine of the idiots, while one man wanted to leave them
where they were. His current condition or whereabouts is unknown.
Undeterred by the gastrointestinal repercussions, Stacey said
the unfortunate event would not keep her from such pursuits in the future.
“I got a tarot reading from one of Mystic Dave’s housemates and
it said I should keep paying for the sessions. You have to trust the cards, you
know? I’ll just bring a bucket next time.” Stacey said.
At press time, Mystic Dave was advertising a new ‘blindfolded
motorcycle yoga’ class. The Durian
encourages all of Dave’s customers to give it a go.
The Durian is a
satirical news outlet, all of our stories are completely fictional, designed
only to amuse and entertain. Any resemblance to people living or dead is purely
coincidental and in no way intended to hurt your feelings. Sorry for pointing
out the obvious, but there’s an abundance of humourless morons out there.
Hilarious, and too close to the truth.
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