Woman misaligns chakras, vomits faeces

Tây Hồ, Hanoi - Local cretin and “educator,” Stacey Hopkinson, was hospitalised on Monday after a particularly strenuous holistic wellness session left her chundering fecal matter on Tô Ngọc Vân.

In attempting to rebalance her life force or some bullshit, Stacey attended a meditation class hosted by well-known Mystic Dave, who has lingered around Hanoi like a damp, bearded fart, parting a number of credulous fools from their hard-earned English-teaching salaries.  

“I had been feeling a lot of negative energy recently. I was really disconnected from the universe. Dave usually sorts me out, but I guess I just pushed my chakras too hard this time.” Stacey explained from her rancid hospital bed.

A reporter from The Durian was unable to find the shaman from Milton Keynes in the fog of incense that enveloped his squalid flat. However, he did respond to enquiries on Facebook Messenger.

Spiritual life-coach Dave declined to provide his prices, although a brief investigation by The Durian revealed he was charging $70 per hour of nonsense, and $100 if he whacked a small metal bowl during the scam session.

Dave assured our reporter that he had undergone intensive training on YouTube and was certified by the internet-based Institute of Health Sience. It is unclear whether the alternative spelling of ‘science’ was intentional.

“After chanting and listening to Enya for 45 minutes I was feeling a bit woozy, so I stepped out for some fresh air. That’s when I barfed crap all over the pavement. I recognised the substance almost immediately as the quinoa salad and wheatgrass smoothie I had for lunch.” Stacey said between bouts of gagging.

This isn’t the first incident of its kind. Last year, a group of 10 dupes required emergency treatment after eating a bowl of quartz crystals to bring emotional stability to their colons. Doctors were able to remove the stones rectally from nine of the idiots, while one man wanted to leave them where they were. His current condition or whereabouts is unknown.

Undeterred by the gastrointestinal repercussions, Stacey said the unfortunate event would not keep her from such pursuits in the future.

“I got a tarot reading from one of Mystic Dave’s housemates and it said I should keep paying for the sessions. You have to trust the cards, you know? I’ll just bring a bucket next time.” Stacey said.

At press time, Mystic Dave was advertising a new ‘blindfolded motorcycle yoga’ class. The Durian encourages all of Dave’s customers to give it a go.

The Durian is a satirical news outlet, all of our stories are completely fictional, designed only to amuse and entertain. Any resemblance to people living or dead is purely coincidental and in no way intended to hurt your feelings. Sorry for pointing out the obvious, but there’s an abundance of humourless morons out there.