British ambassador assures angry crowd L’s Place will stock HP sauce after Brexit - The Durian - Hanoi's Smelliest News

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British ambassador assures angry crowd L’s Place will stock HP sauce after Brexit



Tây Hồ, Hanoi – “Are you going to let me speak or not you pasty savages?”

These were the words of exasperated British Ambassador Garfield Chambers as he addressed a rabid crowd of British expats from the steps of popular fried food dispensary House37 in Tây Hồ earlier today.

Masked, black-clad embassy security staff were present to keep the restless horde in check. With the crowd finally quieting down a little, Ambassador Chambers was seen holding aloft a sheaf of paper bound with treasury tags.

“I’ve spent all morning in discussions with my counterparts from the EU and I am now in a position to guarantee that L’s place will still stock HP sauce after Brexit,” the ambassador continued, “I repeat, there will be no HP shortage.”

Today’s impromptu press conference came after an orgy of decidedly middle-class rioting had left the district of Tây Hồ shocked, with shrubberies disturbed and table settings molested.

Despite Ambassador Chambers guaranteeing the safe passage of the thick, brown breakfast condiment to Hanoi, an assorted community of Brits abroad remained characteristically sceptical.

An unknown protester sporting socks with sandals and a ‘Keep Calm and Carry On’ t-shirt was among the vocal elements in the crowd.

“What about proper mustard?”

In response, Chambers made vague gestures of placation towards the crowd.

“Talks over mustard have reached a deadlock. The French and the Germans are arguing that their mustard is just as proper, and that there is no problem.”

“Kellogg’s cornflakes!” another voice shouted. Suddenly the air was thick with product queries. “Heinz baked beans!”

The ambassador could be seen casting nervous glances at an aide, who merely shrugged with total indifference to the crippling condiment catastrophe.

“After a thorough investigation by the ministry of breakfasts,” he began tentatively, “it has been found that neither Kellogg’s nor Heinz are actually British and...”

Before he could continue, his voice was lost under a barrage of shoes, bum-bags, and stray animals that the crowd hurled in the direction of the ambassador. Unable to regain control, both Chambers and his aide were bundled into the nearest Grab helicopter and released onto the roof of the British Embassy, where – at press time – they are believed to be hiding.

These ugly scenes have been commonplace over the past six months. With uncertainty over mass-produced British foodstuffs which do not spoil in transit growing, so too has the crowd’s appetite for destruction.

Police immediately set about dispersing the crowd back to their respective language centres, but not before our intrepid reporter on the scene was able to squeeze some coherent sentences out of the crowd, a minor miracle before 1pm in an expat enclave.

Speaking to The Durian on the condition of anonymity, the owner of the ‘Keep Calm’ t-shirt explained his unbridled frustration.

“Brexit means breakfast, I get that part,” he began, “but how are we supposed to take back control if these clowns in charge can’t even guarantee my basic right to smother a greasy fry-up in the viscous, congealed joy of HP sauce?

“It’s a joke – the one thing I hate more than foreigners coming into the UK to exploit the system is unelected bureaucrats from Brussels stealing the food off my plate,” he added without a hint of irony.

Seeking refuge from the very British calamity, associates of the angry ‘Keep Calm’ t-shirted individual had different grievances.

“He’s dicking around again,” stated Pierre Bernard, bespectacled Frenchman and long-time Tây Hồ resident.

“Whenever we go out drinking here, there’s an agreement that we should share the tab at the end of the night. It was going fine until he got really drunk the other night and said he would only pay for himself, and that he’s not going to drink here anymore.”

“But he hasn’t left,” added Fritz Muller. “He just stares into his wallet for a few moments and then sits there.”

More on this story as it develops, which it surely will because Brexit will drag on even after the sun swallows the earth.


The Durian is a satirical news outlet, all of our stories are completely fictional, designed only to amuse and entertain. Any resemblance to people living or dead is purely coincidental and in no way intended to hurt your feelings. Sorry for pointing out the obvious, but there’s an abundance of humourless morons out there.

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