Tây Hồ, Hanoi – “Are
you going to let me speak or not you pasty savages?”
These were the words
of exasperated British Ambassador Garfield Chambers as he addressed a rabid
crowd of British expats from the steps of popular fried food dispensary House37
in Tây Hồ earlier today.
Masked, black-clad embassy
security staff were present to keep the restless horde in check. With the crowd
finally quieting down a little, Ambassador Chambers was seen holding aloft a
sheaf of paper bound with treasury tags.
“I’ve spent all
morning in discussions with my counterparts from the EU and I am now in a
position to guarantee that L’s place will still stock HP sauce after Brexit,”
the ambassador continued, “I repeat, there will be no HP shortage.”
Today’s impromptu
press conference came after an orgy of decidedly middle-class rioting had left
the district of Tây Hồ shocked, with shrubberies disturbed and table settings
molested.
Despite Ambassador
Chambers guaranteeing the safe passage of the thick, brown breakfast condiment
to Hanoi, an assorted community of Brits abroad remained characteristically sceptical.
An unknown protester
sporting socks with sandals and a ‘Keep Calm and Carry On’ t-shirt was among
the vocal elements in the crowd.
“What about proper
mustard?”
In response, Chambers
made vague gestures of placation towards the crowd.
“Talks over mustard
have reached a deadlock. The French and the Germans are arguing that their
mustard is just as proper, and that there is no problem.”
“Kellogg’s cornflakes!”
another voice shouted. Suddenly the air was thick with product queries. “Heinz
baked beans!”
The ambassador could
be seen casting nervous glances at an aide, who merely shrugged with total
indifference to the crippling condiment catastrophe.
“After a thorough
investigation by the ministry of breakfasts,” he began tentatively, “it has
been found that neither Kellogg’s nor Heinz are actually British and...”
Before he could
continue, his voice was lost under a barrage of shoes, bum-bags, and stray
animals that the crowd hurled in the direction of the ambassador. Unable to
regain control, both Chambers and his aide were bundled into the nearest Grab
helicopter and released onto the roof of the British Embassy, where – at press
time – they are believed to be hiding.
These ugly scenes have
been commonplace over the past six months. With uncertainty over mass-produced
British foodstuffs which do not spoil in transit growing, so too has the crowd’s
appetite for destruction.
Police immediately set
about dispersing the crowd back to their respective language centres, but not
before our intrepid reporter on the scene was able to squeeze some coherent
sentences out of the crowd, a minor miracle before 1pm in an expat enclave.
Speaking to The Durian on the condition of
anonymity, the owner of the ‘Keep Calm’ t-shirt explained his unbridled
frustration.
“Brexit means
breakfast, I get that part,” he began, “but how are we supposed to take back
control if these clowns in charge can’t even guarantee my basic right to
smother a greasy fry-up in the viscous, congealed joy of HP sauce?
“It’s a joke – the one
thing I hate more than foreigners coming into the UK to exploit the system is
unelected bureaucrats from Brussels stealing the food off my plate,” he added
without a hint of irony.
Seeking refuge from
the very British calamity, associates of the angry ‘Keep Calm’ t-shirted individual had different
grievances.
“He’s dicking around
again,” stated Pierre Bernard, bespectacled Frenchman and long-time Tây Hồ
resident.
“Whenever we go out
drinking here, there’s an agreement that we should share the tab at the end of
the night. It was going fine until he got really drunk the other night and said
he would only pay for himself, and that he’s not going to drink here anymore.”
“But he hasn’t left,”
added Fritz Muller. “He just stares into his wallet for a few moments and then
sits there.”
More on this story as
it develops, which it surely will because Brexit will drag on even after the
sun swallows the earth.
The Durian is a satirical news outlet, all of our stories are completely fictional, designed only to amuse and entertain. Any resemblance to people living or dead is purely coincidental and in no way intended to hurt your feelings. Sorry for pointing out the obvious, but there’s an abundance of humourless morons out there.
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