Nation well-rested after long weekend queuing

Ba Đình, Hanoi – Following a weekend away from the usual rat-race of their everyday lives, citizens of Vietnam are reportedly feeling well-rested, replenished, and rejuvenated having spent the past five days queuing in unfamiliar places.

Few national holidays offer up such bountiful opportunities for queuing as the five-day combination of Reunification Day and International Labour Day, with many holidaymakers stating they even found the time to sweat, not swim at the beach, and spend hours on trains and sleeper buses.

For local man, Nguyen Mồ Hôi, five days free from the shackles of gainful employment gave him time to take his family to queues they’d always wanted to see in Phong Nha-Ke Bang National Park.

“Obviously, it’s every parent’s dream to be able to provide their children with the queues that I never had growing up,” explained Nguyen.

“So having the chance to see the queues in Phong Nha for myself was great, but I’m so pleased that my children were able to spend 12 sweat-sodden hours learning how queuing doesn’t work in another part of the country – it was everything I’d ever hoped it would be.”

Despite the heatwaves lapping against the shores of Vietnam’s sanity, few were deterred from getting their elbows out to enjoy queues across the nation.

“It doesn’t really feel like a long weekend if I’m not embroiled in a screaming match with other passengers who try to steal my seat,” laughed local woman, Hien Chó Cái, who recently returned from Đà Nẵng feeling fresh “But when that old man passed out from heat exhaustion allowing me to put my feet up, that was what really made this year’s long weekend unforgettable.”

The snaking lines of human intolerance that consumed the nation this weekend baffled more than a few backpackers.

“I thought Vietnam was this tiny city in Asia where you can, like, do whatever and shoot cows with bazookas,” claimed a visibly perplexed Todd Manning, “So when we were told it’s like Vietnamese Christmas or something this weekend and we couldn’t even get a bus, it was like WTF, you know?”

The 19-year-old Brit landed in Hanoi last Friday, where he and his foetal companions tripped over their own umbilical cords as they were barged, bustled, and caught up in the slipstream of queues forming eagerly across the capital city in anticipation.

“So, like, Vietnamese people stole all the buses for the whole weekend – they stole from my holiday, they stole from my dream!” ventured a simpering, baby-faced, gap-year guff-wagon Manning, “I wish I could review the whole country on TripAdvisor, all I’ve eaten is elbows this whole time we’ve been here.”

With such a lengthy pause from the otherwise interminable meat-grinder existence enjoyed by much of the nation, experts have questioned whether the remaining two days of the week will be enough time to sweat out the alcohol consumed over the holiday.

While the holidays might be over for most, the strain on public transport this past weekend has been palpable. The Durian is following up on local media coverage of an ugly situation brewing on Cát Bà Island where stranded tourists, both domestic and foreign, have reportedly turned savagely tribal, turning the island into a bleak parody of Lord of the Flies.

For those not pumping rice wine out of their pores, fashioning makeshift weaponry on Cát Bà, or being coerced into teaching English on a packed train, all of us at The Durian sincerely hope that you and your loved ones enjoyed a beautiful break queuing, pushing, elbowing, and bickering in the true spirit of the holidays.

The Durian is a satirical news outlet, all of our stories are completely fictional, designed only to amuse and entertain. Any resemblance to people living or dead is purely coincidental and in no way intended to hurt your feelings. Sorry for pointing out the obvious, but there’s an abundance of humourless morons out there.