Man's intestinal tapeworm disappointed by man’s unadventurous diet - The Durian - Hanoi's Smelliest News

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Man's intestinal tapeworm disappointed by man’s unadventurous diet



Hai Bà Trưng, Hanoi – Voicing concerns that his host, Terrence Mawson, was leading them both down a miserably familiar path regarding culinary delights, Mawson’s intestinal tapeworm, known as Nick, was today distressed by the lack of variety in his diet.

“It’s like this guy moved to Vietnam, for what? To stuff his fat stupid face with more pizza and lasagne? Yeah, so out there, Italian food – Christ!” Exclaimed a visibly outraged tapeworm, “Seriously, this place is like street food heaven – CNN Travel wank themselves into a coma about Vietnamese street food and this fucking asshole,” he continued, motioning towards the bloated chest cavity of his host, “He’s afraid his fat ass is gonna crush the plastic stools? I’m being forced to live off late night takeaways and frankly, I’m sick of it.”

Mawson’s lack of adventure regarding the local cuisine has in part been attributed to his complete failure to adapt culturally, but Nick regards this failure as predominantly as issue of confidence.

“Sure, when he speaks Vietnamese he basically wipes his arse across a centuries old language, but so few foreigners can speak the language well, it shouldn’t stop him from being able to wing it on a restaurants build on a roadside,” the tapeworm added, “Just please make the Bolognese stop, please.”

Having co-existed peacefully for several months since Mawson inadvertently consumed some undercooked pork belly at a Bia Hoi with colleagues, the tapeworm who calls himself Nick is just now witnessing the extent of Western decline through the dietary habits of his symbiotic relationship with Mawson.

“Seriously, if this fucking asshole takes me to one more build-your-own-burger shithole, I’m crawling out of his ass, I’d rather die than suffer another mayonnaise-sodden hunk of beef,” decried Nick.

Vietnam has recently seen an epidemic of foodie bloggers descend upon its shores the way that vultures hover over carrion. Even though many of these stomach-tourists have been known to clog up YouTube with their insipidly condescending approach and frustratingly cheery attitude, Nick still sees them as more desirable residence than his current bowel abode.

“I can take the vaguely self-serving sense of superiority,” he explained, “Just please, let them have a little sense of adventure when it comes to street food here – there are so many joys, so many wonders, and I’m forced to endure the humiliation of a yet another happy meal? Fuck me dead.”

Stating that, while concerned about a moving to the intestines of a foodie, he would gladly run the risk of living inside someone who is even dimly aware of deworming tablets if it meant getting to nibble on that brave new world that exists beyond Mawson’s stomach.

Intestinal tapeworm Nick ended the interview by announcing plans to “go where no tapeworm had gone before” as he detailed his forthcoming escape from Mawson’s anus and longstanding ambition to slither up the buttocks of an unsuspecting, albeit more worldly, traveller.

“Just call me Butt Aldrin – one small step for worm, one giant lunch for worm-kind,” stated Nick in eager anticipation, “I need something for my Instagram, how am I ever gonna be a foodie blogger in this guy's guts?”

More on this story as it passes through the city’s sewage system.


The Durian is a satirical news outlet, all of our stories are completely fictional, designed only to amuse and entertain. Any resemblance to people living or dead is purely coincidental and in no way intended to hurt your feelings. Sorry for pointing out the obvious, but there’s an abundance of humourless morons out there.

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