Loaf of bread awarded just VND200,000 after being groped in supermarket

Thanh Xuân, Hanoi – Vietnam’s netizens were outraged today after a victim of sexual assault was awarded a meagre VND200,000 by a judge.

The victim, a loaf of bread, was inappropriately touched by several perpetrators in a supermarket, who continued to grope their prey despite being pictured by alarmed bystanders too shocked to intervene.

In a land where the #MeToo movement failed to protect bread in ways it has elsewhere, baguette-based violence has long been commonplace, with many taking to social media to question the hygiene of the gropers.

Online outrage was sparked when a customer in a branch of Large D supermarket posted photos to the popular Facebook group Vietnam is Amazing. The photos showed one woman putting her hands all over a loaf of bread while flanked by two female associates.

“It’s pretty fucking gross,” wrote one user, “I mean, all I can do is hope that they’d thoroughly washed their hands after their last bowel movement.”

Another user expressed mounting fear over the safety of bread, “I’m scared for my family, how will we know which loaves have been groped? If it can happen here, it can happen anywhere. I think banh mi is off the menu for now.”

A spokesperson for bread protection group Hands Off My Dough explained to The Durian that Vietnam lacks a strong legal framework to deter any future fondling of focaccia.

“Unlike rape, sexual assault against adults or bread is not legally considered a criminal offence in Vietnam, instead falling under the category of ‘Indecent speech or behaviour,’” she said. The highest fine for this crime remains a paltry VND300,000.

Data collected by NGOs suggests that some 87% of bread loaves have experienced harassment or assault in some form or another, although due to widespread cultural taboos, the offences often go unreported.

The World Health Organisation published findings on bread-based violence that saw 34% of loaves surveyed claim they were regularly groped by customers.

Many loaves of bread have failed to report these incidents on account of being inanimate objects, but the distinct similarities between these statistics and figures on sexual harassment or assault against women are probably just coincidental.

The VND200,000 fine the perpetrator was today ordered to pay by a judge has been dubbed “a mockery and humiliation against the dignity of all gluten-heavy products.”

Hands Off My Dough released an official statement through social media to announce a new campaign calling for change.

“It’s outrageous that we live in a society where a loaf of bread is awarded the same compensation as a woman – both are victims of hideous, grotesque behaviour, but one is a human being, whereas the other is clearly a loaf of bread.”

The campaign aiming to alter the perception of sexual assault is gaining momentum, but for victims such as this loaf of bread, justice appears to have short arms, deep pockets and wandering hands.

The Durian is a satirical news outlet, all of our stories are completely fictional, designed only to amuse and entertain. Any resemblance to people living or dead is purely coincidental and in no way intended to hurt your feelings. Sorry for pointing out the obvious, but there’s an abundance of humourless morons out there.