ESL teachers deported as Vietnam joins SE Asian nations sending trash back to West - The Durian - Hanoi's Smelliest News

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ESL teachers deported as Vietnam joins SE Asian nations sending trash back to West



Ba Đình, Hanoi – Vietnam has today joined neighbouring Southeast Asian nations in sending millions upon millions of tonnes of organic trash back to the West as Hanoi authorities ordered the deportation of numerous ESL teachers.

As one of the Southeast Asian nations that has been the recipient of hordes of trash English teachers, Vietnam has today decreed that it will be sending said human garbage back to the darkness from whence it came.

Countries like the UK, the US, Canada and Australia have been dumping unwanted cretins in Southeast Asia by the tonne for over a decade now, but with the academic year finally over, Vietnamese authorities are taking out the trash.

Citing the relative ease of finding high-paying work in countries such as Vietnam that offer lower costs of living than their home countries, trash teachers have flooded the Southeast Asian education market in their thousands in search of a better life and, if possible, an exotic STD.

“We can no longer afford to play host to such parasites,” stated Nguyen Lửa Rác addressing reporters in a press conference outside the Ministry of Wastemen this morning.

“No more will the West exploit our children’s future for cheap beer and colossal savings,” claimed Nguyen, a senior policy analyst for the think-tank West-Waste, “Like China, the Philippines, Malaysia and many other of our great neighbouring countries, we must take a stand and send this trash straight back where it came from – it does not belong here.”

The fiery rhetoric flared up following a totally unverified study that we’re going to publish right here that claimed less than 14% of Vietnam’s foreign English teachers would be qualified for a similar role in their home countries.

Reactions from within the international community has been mixed, with the UK offering to take back up to 60% of its human refuse in exchange for a potential trade deal should Brexit ever come to pass. Australia meanwhile has quite typically threatened to shoot down any boats bringing Australian ESL teachers home.

Unqualified TEFL teacher and laughing gas connoisseur Chad Hodgekins spoke with The Durian via a phone he’d borrowed, claiming he never buys data for his own phone, to express his fear and outrage at his depiction as trash.

“There is absolutely no truth to these claims,” he stammered, afraid to admit his location for fear of being deported, “What I lack in qualifications, experience, and professionalism, I more than make up for in whiteness and a totally baller attitude,” he claimed.

“Could I live like this back home? Obviously not, the USA and Vietnam aren’t comparable in that respect, just look at my Tinder game bro! Shit’s unreal – back home, I’d be lucky if my cousin looked at me the way women here do.”

While Hodgekins later admitted that he and his cousin had been intimate, he went on to explain that it was for precisely this reason he didn’t want to face deportation.

“Man, nobody’s trying to extradite me for missed child support payments here, if I go back social services will bankrupt me, now you tell me – who’s the real trash here?” he asked apparently rhetorically.

With an overwhelming majority of language centres across the nation reliant on a docile, intellectually-stunted workforce of semi-legal migrants from the West, it remains unclear how these businesses will continue to rip off Vietnamese parents eager for a white fleshy object in the classroom.

At press time officials from West-Waste were blaming delays to the mounting trash teacher crisis on sharks in the classroom.

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