Ba Đình, Hanoi – Vietnam has today joined neighbouring Southeast
Asian nations in sending millions upon millions of tonnes of organic trash back
to the West as Hanoi authorities ordered the deportation of numerous ESL
teachers.
As one of the Southeast Asian nations that has been the
recipient of hordes of trash English teachers, Vietnam has today decreed that
it will be sending said human garbage back to the darkness from whence it came.
Countries like the UK, the US, Canada and Australia have
been dumping unwanted cretins in Southeast Asia by the tonne for over a decade
now, but with the academic year finally over, Vietnamese authorities are taking
out the trash.
Citing the relative ease of finding high-paying work in
countries such as Vietnam that offer lower costs of living than their home
countries, trash teachers have flooded the Southeast Asian education market in
their thousands in search of a better life and, if possible, an exotic STD.
“We can no longer afford to play host to such parasites,” stated
Nguyen Lửa Rác addressing reporters in a press conference outside the Ministry
of Wastemen this morning.
“No more will the West exploit our children’s future for
cheap beer and colossal savings,” claimed Nguyen, a senior policy analyst for
the think-tank West-Waste, “Like
China, the Philippines, Malaysia and many other of our great neighbouring
countries, we must take a stand and send this trash straight back where it came
from – it does not belong here.”
The fiery rhetoric flared up following a totally unverified
study that we’re going to publish right here that claimed less than 14% of
Vietnam’s foreign English teachers would be qualified for a similar role in
their home countries.
Reactions from within the international community has been
mixed, with the UK offering to take back up to 60% of its human refuse in
exchange for a potential trade deal should Brexit ever come to pass. Australia
meanwhile has quite typically threatened to shoot down any boats bringing
Australian ESL teachers home.
Unqualified TEFL teacher and laughing gas connoisseur Chad
Hodgekins spoke with The Durian via a
phone he’d borrowed, claiming he never buys data for his own phone, to express
his fear and outrage at his depiction as trash.
“There is absolutely no truth to these claims,” he
stammered, afraid to admit his location for fear of being deported, “What I
lack in qualifications, experience, and professionalism, I more than make up
for in whiteness and a totally baller attitude,” he claimed.
“Could I live like this back home? Obviously not, the USA
and Vietnam aren’t comparable in that respect, just look at my Tinder game bro!
Shit’s unreal – back home, I’d be lucky if my cousin looked at me the way women
here do.”
While Hodgekins later admitted that he and his cousin had
been intimate, he went on to explain that it was for precisely this reason he
didn’t want to face deportation.
“Man, nobody’s trying to extradite me for missed child
support payments here, if I go back social services will bankrupt me, now you
tell me – who’s the real trash here?” he asked apparently rhetorically.
With an overwhelming majority of language centres across the
nation reliant on a docile, intellectually-stunted workforce of semi-legal
migrants from the West, it remains unclear how these businesses will continue
to rip off Vietnamese parents eager for a white fleshy object in the classroom.
At press time officials from West-Waste were blaming delays to the mounting
trash teacher crisis on sharks in the classroom.
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