American tourist overestimates ability to do Asian squat

Hoàn Kiếm, Hanoi – American tourist, Dirk Bellow, has today grossly overestimated his ability at participating in the coveted Asian squat in Hanoi’s notorious Old Quarter.

Bellow, 32, was reportedly attempting to blend in while enjoying a Bia Hoi when the 400lbs tourist lost control and startled local wildlife by emitting a loud, wet fart. 

Onlookers described the look of terror that swiftly overtook Bellow’s jowly face as the realisation of what had just transpired began to sink in.

Far from being the first American to drop unwanted bombs in Hanoi, Bellow, shocked and appalled by his own total lack of sphincter control, immediately excused himself and was seen waddling through the Old Quarter while fumbling with his phone to find his hostel.

“There was this ear-rattling ripping sound,” said Bia Hoi owner, known only as Madame Rượu, “At first I assumed a sewage pipe had burst, they’re doing some construction further up the road, but when he [Bellow] rose to his feet with that ‘Oh Fuck’ look on his face, it clicked – he’d shat himself mid-squat.”

The Asian squat has been a source of misery for lanky foreigners visiting Hanoi for decades, with few possessing the centre of gravity and cultural awareness to pull it off convincingly.

Although the term Asian squat has been hotly disputed by Slavs, who have also proven themselves capable of sitting flat-footed with their arses hovering mere inches from the ground for no good reason whatsoever, it has become a matter of national pride here in Hanoi.

It is believed that Bellow’s ill-fated attempt at the cultural legacy of squatting was encouraged by some beer-giddy locals, none of whom had expected him to leave such a literal skid-mark on their preferred means of sitting.

Racing through the streets to catch up to a visibly shaken and shit-sodden Bellow, our reporter was able to ascertain the level shame felt by the visiting American were “indescribable.”

Waddling forth with a thousand-yard-stare and visible staining, the young American admitted that beige cargo shorts were a poor choice for his squatting exploits.

“It’s ok, it’s ok,” he was heard telling himself, “Plenty of Americans have shit themselves in Vietnam, just think about John McCain, everyone loved him, it’s going to be ok,” continued the traumatised tourist as he attempted to balance the raw faecal matter that hung heavy in his underwear.

Stay tuned for more shit reporting, only from The Durian.