Hai Bà Trưng, Hanoi – Adding Monosodium Glutamate, better
known as MSG, to your meals could increase the risk of demolishing the fuck out
of your food by up to 87 percent, new research suggests.
Two studies published today in the Vietnamese Journal of How That Shit Taste Bruh? have highlighted an
intrinsic link between the addition of MSG and the fuckability of the resulting
meal.
Citing data gathered over a decade-long study into the
controversial flavour enhancer, lead researcher Điền Vào Tôi today announced
that MSG is not only “completely safe,” but also has the potential to “make
some raggedy-ass shit taste like God’s jizz, trust bro - you'll inhale the whole plate.”
The findings come as little surprise to those within the
foodie community, who’ve sworn by the mind-blowing, ball-tingling otherworldly goodness of
MSG for years, but today’s breakthrough clearly cements the place of MSG in
everyone’s meal.
“Naturally, it was a gruelling study, carried out over the
course of 10 years, involving some 300,000 participants and more than four
metric tonnes of MSG,” explained Điền.
“Compounding the issue was the lack of reliable data on
awesomeness in relation to taste and ingredients, so we essentially had to
start from scratch to determine the correlation between sublime fucking
deliciousness and the amount of MSG included in the meal.
“We found that while certain dishes could induce a
holy-fucking-shit-that’s-incredible response without the addition of MSG, we managed
to establish that in 87 percent of cases MSG really turned what was a poor
excuse for a meal into something you could really get your slobbering gob around,” he added.
To ensure the validity and fairness of the study, Điền and
his team fed participants the same meal with varying doses of MSG in a
controlled environment.
“So we started at the ground level – that is to say, with no
MSG – and then gradually increased the amount of MSG for each subsequent
feeding session, until finally our participants were served a bowl of pure MSG,
although sadly, we concluded that no meal can consist purely of MSG as the vast majority who reached that stage of the experiment had to be put down," sighed a visibly dejected Điền. "Honestly, it was tragic, they
became feral, unruly, and quite frankly no different from slavering beasts, which left us with little choice but to have them humanely executed for the sake of the study - we lost of a lot of good interns that day.”
Speaking with The
Durian via a secure line from his science grotto, Điền stated he was
anxious to secure funding for further studies into MSG, with a hope for
military application to be found somewhere in his research.
While the future for Điền remains uncertain, there’s no
denying the pride he feels having submitted his research to the Ministry of
Health.
“It’s finally time to put the MSG debate to bed,” he said, beaming with pride,
“At last we have irrefutable proof that, on a scale of volume to sheer fucking
tastiness, MSG is in no way detrimental to any meal you’re cooking, whether
that be a traditional bowl of phở or a particularly large rat you’ve pulled out
of the gutter.”
More on this story as it makes its way through the digestive
tracts of the news.
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