MSG “fucking awesome” new study finds - The Durian - Hanoi's Smelliest News

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MSG “fucking awesome” new study finds


Hai Bà Trưng, Hanoi – Adding Monosodium Glutamate, better known as MSG, to your meals could increase the risk of demolishing the fuck out of your food by up to 87 percent, new research suggests.

Two studies published today in the Vietnamese Journal of How That Shit Taste Bruh? have highlighted an intrinsic link between the addition of MSG and the fuckability of the resulting meal.

Citing data gathered over a decade-long study into the controversial flavour enhancer, lead researcher Điền Vào Tôi today announced that MSG is not only “completely safe,” but also has the potential to “make some raggedy-ass shit taste like God’s jizz, trust bro - you'll inhale the whole plate.”

The findings come as little surprise to those within the foodie community, who’ve sworn by the mind-blowing, ball-tingling otherworldly goodness of MSG for years, but today’s breakthrough clearly cements the place of MSG in everyone’s meal.

“Naturally, it was a gruelling study, carried out over the course of 10 years, involving some 300,000 participants and more than four metric tonnes of MSG,” explained Điền.

“Compounding the issue was the lack of reliable data on awesomeness in relation to taste and ingredients, so we essentially had to start from scratch to determine the correlation between sublime fucking deliciousness and the amount of MSG included in the meal.

“We found that while certain dishes could induce a holy-fucking-shit-that’s-incredible response without the addition of MSG, we managed to establish that in 87 percent of cases MSG really turned what was a poor excuse for a meal into something you could really get your slobbering gob around,” he added.

To ensure the validity and fairness of the study, Điền and his team fed participants the same meal with varying doses of MSG in a controlled environment.

“So we started at the ground level – that is to say, with no MSG – and then gradually increased the amount of MSG for each subsequent feeding session, until finally our participants were served a bowl of pure MSG, although sadly, we concluded that no meal can consist purely of MSG as the vast majority who reached that stage of the experiment had to be put down," sighed a visibly dejected Điền.  "Honestly, it was tragic, they became feral, unruly, and quite frankly no different from slavering beasts, which left us with little choice but to have them humanely executed for the sake of the study - we lost of a lot of good interns that day.”

Speaking with The Durian via a secure line from his science grotto, Điền stated he was anxious to secure funding for further studies into MSG, with a hope for military application to be found somewhere in his research.

While the future for Điền remains uncertain, there’s no denying the pride he feels having submitted his research to the Ministry of Health.

“It’s finally time to put the MSG debate to bed,” he said, beaming with pride, “At last we have irrefutable proof that, on a scale of volume to sheer fucking tastiness, MSG is in no way detrimental to any meal you’re cooking, whether that be a traditional bowl of phở or a particularly large rat you’ve pulled out of the gutter.”


More on this story as it makes its way through the digestive tracts of the news.

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