Ba
Đình, Hanoi – A bronzed, muscular Adonis of a man has caused an 18-car pile-up
on Kim Mã today after posing for an especially revealing roadside photoshoot.
Motorists couldn't keep their eyes off the
handsome hunk, whose distracting physique led to the deaths of 13 people with four more in hospital. Authorities expect that number to rise on account of the mostly
nude macho man’s abs.
In
a clear departure from the traditional Vietnamese roadside photoshoot, the
Italian stallion – later identified as Antoine Vecchio Sfigato – had chosen to
bare all in a compromising photoshoot that saw his Androstenedione-enhanced muscles
flexing under the spring sunlight and several motorists lose control of their
vehicles.
The
abrasively handsome European had allegedly hired a Vietnamese photographer to
enhance his Lay a Tây profile, but ended up being the stated cause of mindless
vehicular mayhem.
Said
photographer, who has since deleted her Instagram account, suggested Sfigato
follow the Vietnamese tradition of dressing up in traditional garbs and
standing by a roadside looking coy, innocent, and vaguely bewildered.
A
steroid addict of close to half a decade, Sfigato refused to even try on the
traditional Vietnamese Áo dài, instead hoping to trick another human into
mating with him on account of his elephant testicle sized biceps, which adorn
his online presence.
“My
heart goes out to those who lost loved ones in the wake of today’s photoshoot,
but sun’s out, guns out bro. They told me I could be anything I wanted to,”
explained Sfigato via Instagram, “So I became a balloon animal.”
His
cryptic post was accompanied by picture of him wearing a seatbelt in a
Vietnamese taxi and a range of incoherent hashtags that neither Howard
Carter nor Lord Carnarvon could’ve been expected to decipher that may or may
not have referred to road safety.
Local
police were swift to comment on the incident that has seen one of Ba Đình’s
arterial roads closed off for much of the day.
“Obviously,
we encourage everyone to playfully pose with bouquets of flowers under the
flattering gaze of a camera on Kim Mã, but today Mr Sfigato went too far with
his well-groomed, handsomely chiselled display of indecency, and while –
clearly – he’s too attractive and European for us to press charges, people have
died.”
“Starting
from next month, we will be enforcing a code of conservatism to all photoshoots
occurring along Kim Mã,” read an official police statement to local media,
“Anyone deemed overly attractive and therefore distracting to drivers will be
shot on sight – no exceptions – it’s the only humane response to today’s
tragedy.”
The
new law, expected to be implemented in the following week or so, will permit
the photography of only ugly, physically repellent people along Kim Mã from the
hours of 8am to 7pm – allowing drivers to focus on more important issues such
as tailgating, undertaking, and developing an elaborate language using only
horn honking.
At
press time, Sfigato was reportedly planning to hold an orgy on Long Biên bridge
as a charity fundraising event for the families of those who perished on Kim Mã
today.
“It’s
100% ethical,” he told The Durian’s
sex and death correspondent, “Maybe even 110% ethical, I don’t know for I am no
mathematician, I am just absurdly attractive and so, for the wellbeing of those
affected by today’s tragedy, I shall plunge my considerable genitalia into the
willing orifices of those who wish to make a difference, simply put, I fuck for
peace.”
Hilarious! Thanks for posting!
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