Roadside photoshoot causes 18-car pile-up on Kim Mã - The Durian - Hanoi's Smelliest News

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Roadside photoshoot causes 18-car pile-up on Kim Mã



Ba Đình, Hanoi – A bronzed, muscular Adonis of a man has caused an 18-car pile-up on Kim Mã today after posing for an especially revealing roadside photoshoot.

Motorists couldn't keep their eyes off the handsome hunk, whose distracting physique led to the deaths of 13 people with four more in hospital. Authorities expect that number to rise on account of the mostly nude macho man’s abs.

In a clear departure from the traditional Vietnamese roadside photoshoot, the Italian stallion – later identified as Antoine Vecchio Sfigato – had chosen to bare all in a compromising photoshoot that saw his Androstenedione-enhanced muscles flexing under the spring sunlight and several motorists lose control of their vehicles.

The abrasively handsome European had allegedly hired a Vietnamese photographer to enhance his Lay a Tây profile, but ended up being the stated cause of mindless vehicular mayhem.

Said photographer, who has since deleted her Instagram account, suggested Sfigato follow the Vietnamese tradition of dressing up in traditional garbs and standing by a roadside looking coy, innocent, and vaguely bewildered.

A steroid addict of close to half a decade, Sfigato refused to even try on the traditional Vietnamese Áo dài, instead hoping to trick another human into mating with him on account of his elephant testicle sized biceps, which adorn his online presence.

“My heart goes out to those who lost loved ones in the wake of today’s photoshoot, but sun’s out, guns out bro. They told me I could be anything I wanted to,” explained Sfigato via Instagram, “So I became a balloon animal.”

His cryptic post was accompanied by picture of him wearing a seatbelt in a Vietnamese taxi and a range of incoherent hashtags that neither Howard Carter nor Lord Carnarvon could’ve been expected to decipher that may or may not have referred to road safety.

Local police were swift to comment on the incident that has seen one of Ba Đình’s arterial roads closed off for much of the day.

“Obviously, we encourage everyone to playfully pose with bouquets of flowers under the flattering gaze of a camera on Kim Mã, but today Mr Sfigato went too far with his well-groomed, handsomely chiselled display of indecency, and while – clearly – he’s too attractive and European for us to press charges, people have died.”

“Starting from next month, we will be enforcing a code of conservatism to all photoshoots occurring along Kim Mã,” read an official police statement to local media, “Anyone deemed overly attractive and therefore distracting to drivers will be shot on sight – no exceptions – it’s the only humane response to today’s tragedy.”

The new law, expected to be implemented in the following week or so, will permit the photography of only ugly, physically repellent people along Kim Mã from the hours of 8am to 7pm – allowing drivers to focus on more important issues such as tailgating, undertaking, and developing an elaborate language using only horn honking.

At press time, Sfigato was reportedly planning to hold an orgy on Long Biên bridge as a charity fundraising event for the families of those who perished on Kim Mã today.

“It’s 100% ethical,” he told The Durian’s sex and death correspondent, “Maybe even 110% ethical, I don’t know for I am no mathematician, I am just absurdly attractive and so, for the wellbeing of those affected by today’s tragedy, I shall plunge my considerable genitalia into the willing orifices of those who wish to make a difference, simply put, I fuck for peace.”

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