Hot water announces hostile takeover of cold tap

The entirety of Hanoi – Hot water has today announced it now has a controlling stake in all unrefrigerated fluids across the city, successfully concluding the almost annual hostile takeover of Hanoi’s water pipes once again.

As this week’s heatwave reduces Caucasian residents to grimy puddles of poorly dressed gunk, the hits just keep coming for those among us unsuited to sweltering extinction-grade temperatures as a spokesman for hot water briefed the nation’s perspiring press.

“As some of you were perhaps aware, this move has been a long time in the making,” explained Jim Chalmers, a visibly sunburnt yet distinctly generic press officer representing the business interests of hot water.

“Naturally, we’ve had to keep it secret until conditions were right, but now, given the concentration and isotropic composition of CO2 has been shaped by mankind’s hubris, we’re proud to announce that cold taps are now thoroughly under our control,” continued Chalmers with a smile as his ass-cheeks formed a sweaty waterfall.

“Of course, we couldn’t have done it without a little help,” winked Chalmers, with a clear and unrepentant nod to humanity’s self-destructive reliance on fossil fuels and our collective inability to now prevent a mass species die-off.

The controlling stake in Hanoi’s waterworks and ultimately the fate of all living things enables hot water and its stakeholders to ensure that the city will be unable to experience a cold shower until such a time when share prices in hot water inevitably fall.

Experts have warned that due to brainless consumption of natural resources, hot water’s merciless reign of unrelenting prickly heat may last as long as October this year.

Today’s events do not exist in a vacuum, fluid analysts warn. Predictions inked in blood and bound in flesh by think-tank Wet Dreams suggest this takeover is merely phase one of an aggressive acquisition campaign, with some going so far as to believe that hot water is eager to stake a claim in the refrigerated market.

“If this trend continues without regulation, no Revive, no Pocari Sweat – not even a goddamn Beer Hanoi will be safe,” claimed Drew Dyke as he called upon the Vietnamese government to heed warnings about monopolistic monsters denying us all the right to drink a beer in the shower to escape this heat.

With concerns now mounting as to the seemingly unstoppable heat, many humans of Hanoi have simply given up and sealed themselves in their freezers. Police found a suicide note pinned to the door of a freezer in a Ba Dinh residence over the weekend and one local man is being treated with dialysis after inserting a family pack of iced lollies into his orifices. It is believed the man is in a critical, albeit delicious condition.

The Durian hopes all of our readers somehow stay cool throughout this nightmarish glimpse into the unending hellscape that inevitably awaits lest we change our ways.