ESL recruiters gear up for hunting season as new school year looms

Đống Đa, Hanoi – ‘Tis the season where white people batten down the hatches as the annual ESL equivalent of The Purge turns Vietnam’s urban environments into a battleground, one stalked by language centre recruiters and lazy public school HR goons armed with man-sized nets, fake contracts and big smiles.

The new school year rolls around inexorably like a bánh mì moving ever closer to the bowels and this year recruiters seeking white corporeal mass to educate the Vietnamese youth are once again back on the prowl, fiercer than ever.

Despite having an entire summer to adequately organise themselves for the inevitability of the academic year, ESL recruiters across the nation have collectively determined that this week is the one to don the gloves, lay the man-traps and take to the streets in search of unsuspecting whiteys.

The open season on Caucasians has been declared earlier than previous years, in part prompted by an announcement from the Ministry of Immigration stating that fewer than average business visas had been issued this year.

“We have noticed a serious decline in the number of business visas issued compared with the same period last year,” the announcement said, “Although of course, we have no doubt that there will be more gumptious would-be teachers here than ever before, it’s the same every year.”

The announcement, made earlier this month, unleashed a wave of entirely typical panic among HR professionals working within the ESL industry, with some lower-tier language centres even stooping so far as to leaving a trail of marijuana to their recruiters’ desks.

Local dirtbag and all-round piece of lazy neo-colonial shit Thomas “Tommo” Richardson farted words out of his repulsive face-hole in the direction of The Durian, using them to claim that even a useless white giblet like him had been contacted mercilessly for work.

“Yeah so like, I was just blazing in the bathroom cause my housemate is a little bitch about me smoking the kush in my room right? So then like, this fucking random Vietnamese name pops up on Facebook and so I’m like ‘naaaaah bruv’ but he’s like offering me like $30 an hour for a job that starts tomorrow,” slurred a blatantly intoxicated Richardson as he ironed his only shirt in preparation.

In spite of the grungy, decrepit and generally derelict appearance of Richardson, he is not alone in enjoying innumerate job offers flowing in this past week as ESL recruiters scramble to lock even the most drug-addled of white people into a one-year teaching contract.

Creativity is the name of the game this year it seems, with various recruiters – some hailing from as far as Hai Phong – seen patrolling the Old Quarter with a fully loaded tranquiliser gun while disguising themselves as tour guides, prostitutes and kebab shops to lure in that all-important white flesh. The need for unqualified white meat-sticks has reportedly grown year on year, regardless of the actual quality of education offered, with feckless parents, unscrupulous teachers and the entire ESL industry to blame.

Speaking on a condition of anonymity, a former recruiter for Artemis – a depressingly popular language centre that covers Hanoi the same way VD covers genitals – was able to reveal the ever-evolving tactics of ESL recruiters when faced with a statistical dry patch like this.

“So obviously they’ve got the tranq guns, they’ve lined popular bars with man-traps, bear-traps, cages – any metal holding device they can get their hands on that still guarantees the survival of the prey,” explained Ngueyn Không Tên.

“But they’re determined to make it more sophisticated, to catch that digital nomad market – the ones who think they’re above teaching – so now they’re getting online, cat-fishing horny white males into unfulfilling yet exceptionally well-paid jobs,” he added, “It’s not really anything new, why do you think the world is full of lawyers?”

At the time of writing none of The Durian’s editorial staff had received any such ludicrous offer, but a particularly happy looking Vietnamese man appears to have been stood outside the office for well over two hours now.